Widower Wednesday: A Widower’s Heart
July 13th, 2011 | 21 comments
I’ve got a couple inquiries as to the official launch date of the Dating a Widower book. I don’t have a firm date other than late August. I was hoping to get it out earlier but Marathon Girl is expecting a baby the first week or so of August and trying to release the book around her due date probably isn’t the best idea. I hope to nail down an official release date by the end of this month.
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On a recent discussion thread in the Dating a Widower Facebook Group a woman made an acute observation about the widower she’s dating. She noted that when the widower is thinking about the late wife or still grieving he tends to distance himself from the new relationship. When the widower’s thoughts are focused on her he and their relationship tend to grow stronger. She, and several other woman who have similar experiences, found this push/pull aspect of the relationship to be very aggravating and frustrating and wanted to know why he was acting that way.
The answer is pretty simple: Men can only actively love one woman at a time. Though the human heart has a great capacity for love, men can only put one person at the very top. When a widower’s actively mourning the late wife or spending inordinate amounts of time thinking about her, then the woman he’s dating is going to be pushed from the top spot. And it’s usually a big fall from to the number two— just ask any woman who’s been shoved from the top.
All widowers struggle to some degree with putting feelings for the late wife to the side. This mean just about every woman has experienced the push/pull aspect in the relationship. The problem happens when the push/pull goes on for days or weeks and is a constant part of the relationship. For example, some women will email me and say that the widower will go through an emotional rough spot and not contact her for an entire week before saying he’s ready to get back together. Sometimes they’ll repeat this push/pull pattern every month. Others might me dating widowers who have three or four good days followed by three or four bad days. If your relationship is experiencing push/pull moments that make you feel like you’re on a never-ending emotional roller coaster ride, that’s usually a sign that the widower is having a difficulty moving on or has his own doubts about the relationship. Healthy relationships are always moving forward.
Though Marathon Girl and I had our own push/pull moments they were never that frequent or that extreme. For every time Marathon Girl felt pushed away there were 10 or 20 times she felt I was pulling her closer. In other words, for every step backwards there were 10 or 20 steps forward. If you feel like your relationship is moving backwards or treading water, maybe it’s time to do a gut check and figure out if the widower is really ready for a committed relationship with you.
Widowers will always love and have feelings for the late wife. There’s nothing wrong with that. However as the widower starts a new relationship he needs to move those feelings for the late wife in a different part of the heart—a place where they won’t compete for the number one spot. If he’s unable to do that, odds are the new relationship will eventually fizzle out.
So how does a widower put those feelings for the late wife in a special place? That will be my topic of next week’s column.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Just met my widower 6 weeks ago. There are two children 12 and 10. No family around to help him take care of them. It’s kinda hard for Dad to be in two places at one time, work and at home with the kids. This is a double wammy for me, I care about him and his children and what they are going through. Though this week he has pulled away. Any advice ?????
Debbie,
What do you mean by he’s pulled away?
Two thoughts: 1) It could be with all that’s on his plate, he just needs some space. 2) you are hitting the 3-8 week drop off curve. (See http://www.abelkeogh.com/blog/widower/widower-wednesday/the-6-week-drop-off-curve/ He may simply not be interested in a relationship.
I couldn’t get to the website you sent me. Wish I could , I would love to hear more about the 3-8 week drop off curve. I know he needs time, but I don’t feel that his situation is a excuse to be cruel to others…..
Debbie — I just emailed it to you.
I had mispelled my email….Two b’s not one. can you resend it Please…..
Sent it to new address. Let me know if it didn’t arrive.
just love love love this site…for a time after we started dating, i actually thought i was going crazy.i felt as though i was the only one dealing with these issues. thankfully i now know i am not crazy!
after many long talks, arguments & tears…we have both decided that this relationship is something we BOTH want. I knew this relationship was going to be tough from the beginning. He has 2 teenage children & he lost is last love 4 years ago. now after 9 months of being together, the pushing me away & pulling me close are getting easier & not happening as much… i knew i needed to give him space so he could work things out on his own. I know he loved his wife & the mother of his children-and he always will. i know he thinks about her everyday-and he always will. I know he misses her-and he always will, i know he at times feels like he’s being stretched to the limit-emotionally and physically becauses hes a single parent & shes gone..but i also know this…i know he loves me & i know we are making our own memories together and i know he wants this relationship as much as i do. he is learning to express his feelings more to me, progress not perfection. we both know this relationship will be so much better for the both of us because we are able to express our feelings to each other.
thank you again for this wonderful blog…
God bless you & your family.
Thanks for your kind words, Chris. Glad to hear you get a lot from this site.
I am looking forward to next week’s column. As a widower of now 9 months with two teenage kids finding a place to put the past is tough. Think of it as a chinese puzzle box- put your thoughts; memories or sadness each in a box. Open the box when you need to- close it and you can deal with the new. I have just started dating again and yes ” there is allot on my plate”- so far my dates understand. I guess we will see how things develop,
Jim — Sorry for your loss. I like your Chinese puzzle box analogy. Kind of the direction I was heading.
I have been looking at your site for a few months- it helps. I am going to buy the book today !
Have you ran across the situation Where Dad can’t handle it and sends the kids off to some of her family ????? How do you help someone in this situation ? or can you ??
Abel, you hit the nail on the head.
It works when the widower has reformatted and shifted his affections for the late wife to a different part of his heart. Not obliterated them entirely (that, in my mind, would make him a jerk), but moved them out of the living room and into safe keeping.
Once a GOW realizes she really is truly in the sweet spot, it’s no big deal when the late wife makes an occasional appearance, be it via children, a memory, old belongings. Repeat: No. Big. Deal. Insecurities melt away. You feel safe and loved and have no fear that the late wife will knock you out of the running.
Abel, I also agree with your litmus test to determine if a relationship with a widower (or anyone, frankly) is healthy. It should always feel like it’s moving forward. Sure, there are speed bumps along the way, but at the end of the day (or week, or month), it should feel like you’ve traveled to a deeper intimacy.
Thanks, Karen. The moving forward test came from MG. She pretty much told me if our relationship wasn’t moving forward, she wasn’t going to be around much longer. Personally, I’m glad she threw down the gauntlet as if forced me to make a choice between the future and the past.
Abel, I too made the same deal with my guy early on. My single life was way better than the possibility of being a second class citizen because of widower baggage. Part of me felt harsh but in the end we both agree the relationship would have withered otherwise. The wedding is just a few weeks away and I have no doubt whatsoever that we are getting married for all the right reasons.
Great post Abel. My W and I went through a bit of push/pull at the beginning of our relationship but a year down the line he seems a lot happier in himself and we’re moving in the right direction.
I wondered if any of you had heard that interview that the Irish golfer Darren Clarke did at the weekend when he won the Open. He thanked his late wife(she died in 2006 from breast cancer) and his sons. Not a mention of his fiancée/ the new love of his life that he got engaged to last year. Was it just me that immediately thought that the poor girl might have been a bit miffed by that?
Kim, that’s the first I heard of that. If had done something like that to MG, she wouldn’t have been very happy. Hmmmmm…I’ve got to look into this more.
@Debbie, I can understand totally him needing a break when he doesn’t have any family nearby to help him. Must be really tough. I’m in same situation as a divorcee with 2 kids with no family in the same country and none of my friends would be willing to take them even a few hours to give me a break. Only time I get a bit of peace is when their dad has them which is as little as he can possibly get away with. My W has 2 as well and only gets a 24 hour break twice a month when his mum has them. I guess your W is just using whatever help is available to give him a break and some ‘me’ time
I just feel like not only did they loose there Mother, but now they have lost there Father too. It is really sad. It shows how much he misses them, but right now he is having such a hard time, it probably is the best for them to be away. He and I are not seeing each other any more. He has kinda gone off the deep end and I don’t know how to help him. We spent a lot of time together the first 5 weeks, then spent a complete week together after that. Then he just pulled away. It broke my heart, I was getting very close to him. I am still trying to figure it out….
I too am looking forward to next week’s column. This site is very
enlightening. It is to early for me to start dating..but I am getting a good idea of what’s coming.
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