Widower Wednesday: A Different Emotional Place
May 16th, 2012 | 8 comments
One challenge many GOWs, WOWs, and widowers have to face are friends and family members who are less than thrilled that the widower is starting a new chapter in his life. Even though you and the widower and are more than ready to tie the knot and start a new life together, others may not be so enthusiastic that their father/friend/son-in-law/brother is taking this step. Lately it seems I’ve got a lot of frustrated emails wondering why some people don’t “get it” or at the very least pretend to be happy that the widower is moving on with his life.
It’s a natural reaction to get upset at those who don’t share our excitement about a new relationship or other life event but sometimes it helps to take a step back and see things from their perspective. Just because a widower has moved on and is ready to start a new chapter in his life doesn’t mean everyone else feels the same. Those who may be struggling with the news of an engagement or steady girlfriend are probably still grieving and probably haven’t had time to even thing widower falling in love with someone else. Change can be hard for people to deal with and if they’re still reeling from the death of a loved one, seeing someone move on can be a shock to the system.
Back when Marathon Girl and I were dating, sometimes I had to tread carefully when discussing our relationship with certain friends and family members. I did this because I could tell that many of them were still struggling with my decision to date and remarry so soon after Krista’s death. I didn’t downplay the relationship or my love for Marathon Girl but simply knew it was a better to discuss something other than our latest date or wedding plans. Yes, it was hard to know that some people weren’t as thrilled about Marathon Girl as I was but I shrugged it off and figured they’d eventually come around once they had a chance to grieve and move on. Eventually everyone did.
I’m not advocating that you spend time a lot of time with people who are negative or are having a hard time with you and the Ws relationship. Rather, I’m just asking that you take a moment and try to understand why they might be acting they way they are. Instead of getting upset or frustrated with them, count your blessings and look forward to a new life together. Maybe they don’t “get it” now but most of the time they’ll eventually accept life’s changes and move on. It just may not be as quick or as soon as you or the widower was able to do it.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Very sound advice. Sadly, after 3 years, adult SD’s slanderous blogging and acting out is getting harder to ignore. Also harder not to take personally since I’m no longer “new.” As I’m sure you know, having a supportive partner makes all the difference.
Last two columns have been spot-on, thanks!
Three years is plenty of time for her to adjust. She’s not grieving at this point–she’s just being mean.
There’s a certain point where some people, and it seems to mostly be daughters of widowers, that you have to realize they are not going to accept you. It’s no different than children in a divorce that decide to pick mom over dad. Except they’re picking their late mother and unwilling to accept that their father has moved on.
My husband’s daughters are that way and even their therapists have encouraged them to be entirely estranged from their father because they refuse to accept that I am in life.
You have made some valid points Abel- but the difficulty that I have is that W seems to be lead by everyone else and is playing down or even not acknowledging our relationship with friends and HIS family, ( LWs family don’t really keep in touch and lW and W did not have any children together), he does this saying he does n’t want to offend or upset them
That’s a different problem, C. If he’s not even telling people about the relationship, that might be a red flag that he’s not ready to move on. I’d be concerned about this.
ding! ding! ding!
Had a similar experience being a friend of a widower. He was talking out of both sides of his mouth. Says one thing to us, his friends….says something completely different to the gf. Bottom line is he was not ready, but wanted a warm body due to being desperately lonely. NO excuse!.
I’ve come across some very mean people since I’ve been dating my W…who has two young boys who are 10 and 6 years old. His late wife committed suicide a little over two years ago. We’ve been dating a year and 5 months. So I totally get that maybe my W moved on faster then most but we are extremely happy with eachother and I am head over heels for his boys. We all live together and I am actually 4.5 months pregnant. W’s late wifes family and some friends had a really hard time with us being together, and I get it. However, I know that I’m a good person and totally did not deserve some of the treatment I was receiving from them. Just the other day, Mother’s Day I took the boys miniature golging (my W had to work, so it was just me and the boys) and we happened to run into a friend of LW’s. Which I had no idea at the time. She was extremely rude to me and telling W’s 10 year old that he should be spending Mother’s Day with Nana (who is LW’s Mom)…asking him why he wasn’t with her, etc. Needless to say, I was PO’d. I could tell a million stories of how these ppl have treated me and my W over the past year…but I won’t bore you. The 10yr old invited me to his “Special Woman’s Tea” this past Tuesday and the things he said about me and drew for me touched my heart in ways that only a child can do. And it all made me realize that I am truly so lucky to have the two boys and their Dad in my life…and I finally decided that I wasn’t going to let these people that will never understand our situation bother me anymore. I love the boys as if they were my own and I know they love me just as much. And I believe that I’ve helped them in ways that only a mother figure could. And I’m going to continue to do so…no matter what any one else has to say. My family, W’s family and our friends are all extremely happy for the family we each now have. And come October…there will be one more to add to the bunch.
LW’s parents have come a long way…and are nice to me now, knowing that I’m not here to hurt anyone or take anyone’s place. But deep inside me, I think they are nice to my face bc they are afraid of losing their grandchildren, which would never happen…of course. I just find it very unfair to treat ppl so coldly, esecially when they aren’t actually doing anything wrong. Good luck to all of you!
Sorry, *Golfing, lol