Widower Wednesday: 10 Years Later
November 10th, 2011 | 31 comments
Ten years ago today my late wife, Krista, took her own life. It’s a day that I haven’t publically acknowledged in years because life goes on and I enjoy my new life too much to be bogged down in sad memories and anniversaries. But the 10 year mark holds some significance for me because in the midst of my sorrow and misery I promised myself I would rebuild my life and be happy again. And I gave myself 10 years to do it.
In the months that followed Krista’s death I had no idea where life would take me. The emotional toll of her suicide left me floating from one day to the next. I found it hard to get up in the morning, focus on work, hang around with friends and family, or participate in activities that I previously enjoyed. My zest for living was vanquished. I didn’t want to live my life this way but I was unable to focus enough to think about what I wanted to do more than a day or two in the future.
Then one morning my alarm clock went on the fritz. As a result I missed my morning run and was late to work. It seemed like the beginning of another day where my life was spinning out of control. I hurried to work that morning wishing I had stayed in bed. On the way home from work, I bought a new alarm clock. And it was this new alarm clock that helped me put the future into focus.
Before I went to bed that night, I set the clock’s time and the alarm. This alarm clock also happened to have a date feature. I set the day and the month but stopped when I got to the year. Instead of setting it for the current year, I pushed a button and watched the years scroll by. As I watched the years pass by I started thinking what I wanted my life to be like one, five, and ten years down the road. I didn’t come up with a concrete direction that night but at least I was thinking about it.
Every night for several weeks I looked on the years of the clock. Eventually I had a fairly clear idea what I wanted my life to look like 10 years in the future. I won’t list everything I wanted to accomplish during that time with but the top three things on my list were:
- Forgive Krista
- Remarry and start a family
- Become a published author
I had no idea how long it would take any of those three things to happen but I figured if they could all happen within10 years, I would have successfully rebuilt my life. That night I vowed to live my life in such a way that I could accomplish everything on my list within a decade.
Fast forward to today. I’m not only living the life that seemed like an impossible dream 10 years ago, it’s far exceeded any expectations. It only took a year to forgive Krista. I haven’t had any anger or animosity towards here since then. Three months after that I married Marathon Girl. This year we celebrated eight wonderful years together and have five(!) amazing kids. My first book was published six years after Krista died. I’ve had two more published since then and have many more on the way. All the other goals on my list have also been accomplished usually sooner than I originally thought possible.
Ten years ago if someone would have told that this is what my life would look like today, I wouldn’t have believed them. Back then I didn’t think it was possible to rebuild a life and become happy again so quickly. I never would have thought that wounds of loss could heal so soon. But they did. And it all happened because I figured out what I wanted to do with my life then worked my butt off make a dream become a reality. As a result, I’ve never been happier or more satisfied with my life. I wake up excited to take on the challenges that come with every new day. I can say without reservation that I love my life.
So if you find yourself in a place where you’re not happy with your life, take a long hard look about where you want it to be one, five, or even 10 years down the road. Then examine your life as it is and see if there are people, habits, or other things in your life that are stopping you from living the life you want to live. Don’t let the actions of others determine your happiness or where your life ends up. If there issues that need to be addressed, figure out what steps you need to take to solve those problems. It doesn’t matter if you’re a widow, widower, someone who’s dating a widow or widower, or someone who’s going through other hard times. Get off your butt, throw off the shackles that are hold you back and start making changes today.
My journey to reach this point in my life wasn’t smooth—I experienced plenty of bumps and setback along the way—but the rewards were well worth it. Life is too short to be sad and miserable. The future is a blank slate. Do what you need to do so that a decade from now you can look back and triumphantly declare that you’re living a life that seemed like an impossible dream today.
Entry Filed under: Widower Wednesday
Abel, you are a warm and compassionate man, and thoroughly deserve the happiness you have found.
Agreed!!!!
Agreed too! That was beautifully written. Abel, thank you so much (again and again) for sharing so freely of your personal experiences. You have no idea what a huge help and support you’ve been to so many of us. Happy Anniversary of your new/happy life!
You’re welcome. Glad you all enjoyed. it.
During the LH’s long illness, I was sometimes asked how I managed to keep moving. Most ppl think that they would just curl up in similar situations. My answer was always the same, “I know that someday, I will be happy again.” I had no particular plan or even a time frame, but about a year after his diagnosis, I went back to graduate school (because of course that made sense) and one of my teachers had us write a letter to ourselves in which we would outline what we wanted to achieve within a five year time frame.
5yrs was way too long, so I shortened it to two and I did everything and a bit more. When LH died, I was actually in the last 6 months of my original plan and I simply stuck to it. It helped. After that I floundered a few months but eventually began formulating a new plan. While I was planning, I met Rob and well, then I needed a new plan – but your point that drifting isn’t as effective for moving on with your life as setting goals and seeing them through is one I can relate to.
Life will not magically right itself when it’s not working. You have to decide what you want, make a plan and then do something about making your dreams happen. Those who sit around waiting for their grief to end before moving on or those who wait on those ppl have it all wrong.
so happy for you! xo
Thank you for sharing this. Your sensitivity in talking about these issues really helps us readers sort through our own insanity.
You are an inspiration!
-Ish
wanderoke.blogspot.com
Thank you for sharing Abel. I haven’t dealt with your same heartache, but after almost 10 years I’m finally realizing my dream of graduating from college. Actually I’ve been trying to finish for almost 22 years, but there was some time in there where I stopped to raise a family. I never thought I’d see the end. There were so many classes and it seemed to be taking forever. It’s interesting to think that ten years has gone by so quickly. I graduate next semester. Where did the time go? I’m so happy that you found peace and happiness once more. Congratulations on all your accomplisments. What an inspiration!!!
Congrats on your upcoming degree, Karen.
I love this post. Thanks for sharing it.
Being single, I can only imagine the loss of losing someone so close. I can see that 10 years ago, I would never have imagined I would be where I am. I can see in the past two years I’ve grown so much. Thanks for helping to bring that into view.
I remember reading the original blog before I even moved to Chicago, crying at an entry about you eating fast food and going to basketball. I can’t believe it’s been that long.
There have been many wonderful years since then, and I’m so glad to have seen it all unfold. A billion years of happiness to you, MG, and the five little Keoghs!
Thanks, Jo!
Abel, thank you for sharing, I am so glad you found happiness xx
Your courage and strength show me that it’s possible for my widower to overcome all his obstacles. He’s made HUGE strides already…
I’m REALLY looking forward to your next book. I will keep my eye on when it comes out. I’d LOVE to know if you are ever in the area for a signing!!!!
So glad to know and see that you are so happy with your new life. You are right… It’s a clean slate we have to make up! My newest favorite quote… “Every day may not be good… but there’s something good in every day.” I’ve been REALLY trying to get my widower to see this, and myself sometimes, too.
Keep up the great work.
Congratulations, Abel. Good words to ponder.
What a great example you’ve shown us, to turn tragedy into hope. Love ya, Abel
I had to read this through a couple of times, for several reasons. First of all, I can’t believe it’s been so many years I’ve followed along on this journey of yours. All the way back into dland days! More importantly, I needed to clear the tears so I could read it clearly and really… Absorb the message. Life here has been in huge upheaval and it feels like your description of the early days after Krista’s death are my current life. And the wisdom in this post resonates for me. I need to do more than just keep stumbling blindly along, but I don’t know what direction to march in. Thank you, Abel, for reminding me that we all get lost but that it’s not so difficult to find our way back if we look for the lights along the way. Congrats to you and MG on your 8 yrs, your gorgeous babies and the life you’ve built together. Thanks for tucking us in your pockets and carrying us along your road
hugs to all!
Thanks Nix. We need to catch up. Email on its way.
Abel, what a great and happy milestone to celebrate, and a perfect lesson for everyone to embrace no matter what our personal challenges are.
There is a lot of power in thinking about what one really wants in life, then making a plan and working for it. It gives a person both anchor and sail.
After my own own version of divorce, I too quickly got into another relationship. I knew this guy was not “the one” but I let it stagger along for four years anyway. Shame on me.
After it ended, I vowed not to date for a year to really think about the kind of person I thought would best be suited for me. I also thought about the kind of person I wanted to be in a relationship, and what I wanted that relationship to be (eventually, marriage). I made a list with three components: must have qualities, would be nice but not essential qualities, and dealbreakers.
That list hummed in the back of my head as I spent my year of dating sabbatical
Woops, did not finish here..
Anyway, long story short, I met the widower who is now my husband.
I am grateful for that list and how it prepared me for this wonderful man and our very happy marriage.
I always enjoy hearing about your success story, Karen. Those lists are always very helpful.
you have much to be proud of! so happy to read this blog and know the milestones you have reached! just think how awesome the next ten will be!
Was just commenting to Passive Guy that it doesn’t seem like it’s been that long, but it was roughly November ’04 when I first found you through our mutual cuddlebunny Chicago Jo.
That’s 7 years man. YOINKS.
Love where you’ve come to mate, and love that I’ve been along for the ride.
STOKED for the next 10, bring ‘em on.
Found you via a link on Passive Guy. Saturday marks six years since my late husband died. It’s fitting I found this today. I made a mental list back then. Today, I’m in a totally part of the country with a Husband and a son. It’s nice to keep living. I may need to write the next phase out.
Thanks for stopping by, Stacy. Sounds like you’re moving forward. Keep it up.
Abel. Perhaps the most important thing you have ever written.
Thanks so much for sharing. I wish more Ws could find this, read it and be inspired to make decisions that are appropriate and healthy for themselves and those ’round about them.
Thanks, Ted.
Abel, thanks for sharing such a heartfelt and deeply inspiring story of your journey. What better way to learn than through your example. Who can argue with your beautiful, “new” beginning.
Awesome! Thanks for inspiring all your readers.
do you miss Krista?
do you love her?
wish she was back?
You missed the point of the article, Tina.