The Widowerhood Excuse
December 26th, 2006 | 36 comments
Let’s say you’re dating a guy who pledged his undying love to you one day but the very next day became withdrawn told you he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Let’s say you dated him for several months and he exhibited this erratic behavior on a consistent basis. Would you stay with this guy or end the relationship? Most people would realize he wasn’t ready for a serious, committed relationship and would move on.
What if you were dating someone who was exactly the same as person in the previous paragraph with one notable exception: this man also happened to be a widower. Would you be more tolerant of his behavior hoping that he’d eventually commit or would you end things with him?
Unfortunately, there’s a tendency to put up with behavior from widowers that women wouldn’t put up with from single men. Slap the widower label on someone and suddenly their widowerhood becomes an excuse for all sorts of screwy behavior. If the he’s not willing to commit to you, it’s because he’s still grieving. If he gets angry when you try to talk with him about your relationship, it’s because his wife died. If the widower keeps the house like a monument to the dearly departed wife it’s nothing to worry about (he’ll move on eventually), it’s because he’s still sad. If he tells you he feels guilty about spending time with you and needs some space — well, you get the point.
If you’re involved with a relationship with a widower, you should expect the same treatment from him as you would from anyone else you were dating. Don’t let his widowerhood give you an excuse to cut him some slack. Yes, dating a widower comes with some very unique issues and challenges, but that doesn’t mean the widower is allowed to put you through the emotional wringer whenever he feels like it. And you shouldn’t enable his bad behavior by excusing his unwillingness to have a loving, committed relationship because of his marital status. Men will generally rise to whatever standards you hold them to. If you lower the bar, they’ll find a reason to meet your lowered expectations.
When I was dating Marathon Girl, it became readily apparent that she wasn’t going to change the way she wanted to be treated simply because I had lost a wife and daughter. She let me know early on her reservations about dating a widower and told me if she didn’t feel the relationship was moving forward, she had no qualms about ending it. She was not going to settle for someone who wasn’t going to treat her like the number one woman in his life.
Marathon Girl was patient when hard moments came and always willing to listen if I needed to talk, but her high expectations made me realize something: if I really wanted a serious, committed relationship with her, I was going to have to make the necessary mental and emotional effort to move on. Excuses would not be tolerated. Marathon Girl’s high expectations are one of the main reasons I was able to move on and marry her as quickly as I did.
Your relationship with a widower should be moving forward to marriage or wherever long term goal the two of you have for the relationship. There may be a day or two where things don’t go as planned, but all relationships had bad days. Ninety nine days out of 100 the widower should make you feel like you’re the number one woman in his life. If he’s struggling in giving you the loving, committed relationship you want, in a loving, caring way let him know how you expect to be treated. And don’t be afraid to let him know that if he’s not meeting your expectations, you will end the relationship.
Remember that not all widowers are ready for a serious relationship. Some widowers date simply because they want company. Some date before they’re ready — while they are still heavily grieving for the loss of their wife. And some know they can use their grief as an excuse for getting away with a lot of bad behavior. You need to make sure you’re not dating one of these men.
If you’re not looking for something serious but want a relationship that comes with extreme ups and downs or abusive behavior then sit back and let the widower take you on an emotional roller coaster. However, if you want a loving, committed relationship then demand the same treatment from him as you would from any other man you were dating. If a widower really loves you, he will treat you like the number one woman in his life. He won’t let his grief or loss serve as an excuse. He will do what it takes to make you feel loved and important. He will not only tell you that he loves you but show you that he loves you. He will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Don’t settle for anything less.
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Entry Filed under: dating a widower,widow,widower,widower relationship issues
This article goes for all excuses, not just widowerhood. It’s amazing what people put up with in the name of trying to be understanding. High-five to MG for being a strong woman who knew what she wanted and had the courage and good sense to stand up for nothing less.
Hey I can comment now! (When I came to comment the comment function wasn’t working.)
I think that entering a relationship where you want to do all the taking and no giving it’s counselling you need not a relationship.
And I agree with Abel wholeheartedly that accepting bad behaviour is creating the basis for a bad relationship.
Ali
Amen, brother. No one should settle when it comes to love – ever.
Thanks for yet another insightful post…
Lisa
As a widower, I want to say this is probably the most hurtful piece of garbage I have ever read. I recently started dating a girl whom I really liked. But I am not ready to move forward towards commitment or marriage — I’ve only known her one month! She sent me this article without comment because she intertrepted my “I want to slow down” talk as being somehow related to my wife’s death!
In reality, it had more to do with needing to get out of the “whirl wind” so I could breath and get to know her better before I commit.
So along comes your article like a night stick to the head… basically she used it to bully me into loving her NOW or be dumped!
The hurtful part of your article is the intimation that all widowers philander, can’t commit, use their grief as an excuse or otherwise manipulate the situation. Your assumption is that all women naturally want to be in a relationship that is moving toward marriage. Maybe that is true, but if (as you say) a widower just wants to date because he is lonely… and he openly states this… it does not make him an abusive person.
Ironically, the woman in my instance used your blurb as a club to abuse my emotions. I was really getting to like her, until she destroyed any chances for a relationship with her ulitmatum.
Your point about “whatever long-term goal you BOTH want” is well taken… she obviously didn’t listen when I said I wanted to just date casually… but the tone of your article is gruff, mean-spirited and harsh.
Any woman who tells me she has “no qualms about ending our relationship” so early on (one month) if it’s not moving towards marriage is needy, controlling and manipulative. I mean – no man is THAT lovable! And I’ll be damned if I am going to let someone use my emotional connection with them to coerce me.
Women – if someone you like or feel attached to doesn’t want to commit to you… there is a reason. Threats and manipulations are the surest way to kill any healthy relationship. The far better approach would be to simply pull back, give the guy room to breath. Go out and have fun without him! Don’t even tell him where or when… just enjoy your life as if the universe didn’t revovle around him… because it doesn’t. Maybe he will make the effort to commit, maybe he won’t. If he doesn’t after a week or so then you have found your answer elegantly and should move on to the next guy with confidence and strength. But please… Nobody likes a whiny, clingy baby making demands for love and commitment.
The way to find true love is to be strong and complete within yourself. Love yourself, and enjoy spending time doing what YOU like to do. Don’t make it all about some guy! And when you are out being your strong, noble, beautiful self, the perfect guy who is READY and WILLING to commit will find you.
That is the advice from THIS widower.
Will,
If you had actually read my article, you’d notice that it’s not directed at widowers but women who put up with abusive and manipulative behavior and makes excuses for it. I also never stated or implied that ALL widowers act this way. I’ve been in contact with many who have dealt with their grief, fallen in love and were never used the death of their wife as a reason to emotionally manipulate women.
However, I receive a lot of email each week from women who are dating widowers who are with men who hide behind their widowerhood and use it as an excuse not to commit or give straight answers about how they feel or where they want the relationship to go.
Since I don’t know you or your (now ex) girlfriend, I really can’t comment if you fit the bill or not. However, something in this article must have resonated with her.
Instead of jumping all over me and slamming the girlfriend for emailing you this article, you should use this moment as an opportunity to sit down with her and say, “I had no idea you felt this way. This is how I feel.” and have a conversation with her about where the two of you see this relationship going and how fast or slow you’d like to take things.
But since you have a penchant for assuming the worst about people and their intentions, maybe it’s best that things are ending. It sounds like she deserves better.
Abel
Abel: I agree with your assessment of Will’s situation. He was very angry at this girlfriend for emailing him the article. Unreasonably so. But as you said something must have resonated with her to send this. As for the 1-month issue. Sure it’s a short period of time but he also referred to their relationship as a “whirlwind” so that says to me things must have been moving very fast and she probably was confused . I agree he should have taken the opportunity to speak with her about her feelings – why she was sending this article and how she felt it applied to his behavior. The thing that struck me is he didn’t seem to realize the relationship was a two-way street. That she might have conflicting feelings and confusion as he had given her the talk about slowing down and just wanting to “date” but this was AFTER a whirlwind perion – so likely she was feeling confused and getting mixed signals and possibly was even hurt by his pulling back. It’s hard to say.
In the end he could have used it as an opportunity to openly communicate with her about both their feelings. Instead he became angry and defensive – lashing out at her and breaking up with her and then lashing out at you for writing the article.
How sad. I agree she proabably deserves better.
I am dating a widower. Just about 2 months. I am having some reservations myself about his inability to move on (it’s been many years since his wife passed and he still talks of her reguarly, at times compares, and has her photos everywhere throughout the house – It’s like the elephant in the room but hard to ignore when they are displayed so prominently in the living area. It make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. But then guilty for feeling that way. It’s really an odd feeling. I have never dated a widower before – so it’s very confusing to me. He does have children (but nearly grown) at home but still seems odd after so many years since his wife’s death that he has not moved on in terms of the many, many photos and collages and memorials – and he not really dated hardly at all until me either.
I appreciate your articles because just as you said I do find myself making excuses for behavior that I would never do if I was dating a single or divorced man simply because he is widowed.
Although I have not ended the relationship there are enough things that raising red flags that I am watchful and yes I will end the relationship if it doesn’t move forward and if it does I certainly do want to like the number one woman in his life and not always in his deceased wife’s shadow. I have a healthy understanding of the situation I believe. I Understand he will always love and cherish his first wife. They had an awesome marriage, but she has been gone for some time and if he cannot put it aside enough to let me into his heart and his life and really make me his number one woman then I would defintely move on . This is not an ultimatium it’s just being honest. I would tend to do it sooner than later as simply because I don’t wish to waste months and years with someone who will never fully give themselves to our relationship.
I think most undertsand this is what the is article is about. Moving on and expecting to be treated with respect and love by the widower and not to tolerate bad behavior or excuses because of their widowhood.
I’m reading these articles and trying to apply them to my situation. My husband commited suicide almost two years ago. I have truley fallen in love with someone and wish to Marry. In the recent months tension has built in our home. I too still have momento’s of my dead husband. I don’t have a shrine, but little things here and there. The thing is they are truely not there for me. My daughter, and my mother live with me. My father passed three months ago. My mother is in very bad health. Both had a wonderful, loving relationship with my husband. I feel that it would hurt them if I completely removed him from my home. They so enjoy talking and remembering him. But this is causing much friction between myself and my boyfriend. I truely understand him not wanting to live in a shadow and not wanting to see my dead husband around the house. I just don’t know what to do, I know what ever I do will hurt someone. I was raised with such strong family values that of course my first instinct always is to do what makes my family happy and live with whatever my choices are, whether I am happy or not. But now, I am second guessing that, because I truely love this man that I have found.
Sometimes it not the widower that isn’t ready to move on. In my case it’s my family and I include my passed husbands family in my family that isn’t ready to move on. Some of us chose to hold on to things for them. I know there is that reality of we are supposed to keep ourselves happy first, but for some of us it is impossible to be happy if our family’s hearts are hurting. I know if I completely ridded my house of my passed husband I would be marked as someone who didn’t care for him at all and should feel ashamed for not wanting to remember him. Even though what they don’t realize is that he is someone I could never forget…I am rambling. If anyone can make some sense out of what I am trying to say, do, or accomplish, please feel free to attack, suggest, or simply say I don’t know what you should do….Good luck to you all, I hope you all find true love in your life!!!
Well, two and a half months into the relationship with the widower and things have came to a sudden and complete halt. Leaving me with a 1000 questions and no answers. We had talked every day and night. Wonderful conversation that went on way into the night.
We talked about everything and would see each other when he could “sneak away”. Since his wife had only been gone a month and a half he wasn’t ready to let others know about me. He didn’t want anyone to think he hadn’t loved his wife, and he has small childred at home. He wasn’t sure how it would affect them so soon. I felt it would be ok to be a “secret” for awhile.
Recently we had some friends invite us away for the weekend. The only friends who actually knew we had been seeing each other. We were both so excited and anxious to get away and be together until the day we left for the getaway I could tell right away he wasn’t comfortable. He was so nervous he could hardley look at me. It was like a complete different person than the man i had been seeiing. I almost felt sorry for him.
We survived the weekend, but since we returned home, he has withdrawn from me almost completely. Then I recieved a message from him, “trying to get his head straight” then another one saying he wasn’t sure he could do this right now. I have been giving him time to clear his head not with no preasure from me. I know the guilt is consumming him.
I have been trying to educate myself on the grieving process in order to better understand what he is going through. But he will not talk to me since we have returned home. We had no arguement, dissagreeement of any kind during the weekend. Finallly after 5 days without hearing from him he sent a message and said he would call. I still haven’t heard from him.
I am trying to convince myself that this is all a part of one of his “low days” and that he will come around in a few days. But I get mad at myself because I wouldn’t put up with this out of anyone else, and i shouldn’t let him treat me less of a human being because he is a widower. It’s easy to allow that to happen.
I miss him something terrible, and not sure how to act when he does call. Do I continue to be understanding that he needed time alone to deal with his guilt or dump his butt and let him know how disrepectful he has been to me? I’m really torn with this.
I’ve been dating a widower for the past 2 months. He was married for 15 years, and she died almost 5 years ago. I’ve been very understanding when he has talked about his deceased wife but maybe I’ve been too understanding. He now doesn’t hesitate in telling me her favorite color rose, her favorite herb she put on a salad, her and his “song” and will mention, “my deceased wife and I” to others in conversation. I did finally put my foot down and told him that I’d prefer he notice my favorites and I wasn’t sure why he keeps bringing her into our conversations. He didn’t seem to realize he did it and said he would pay attention to that. (its been a week and so far, so good)
I know he has not taken care of her ashes yet, and he tells me he has boxes of hers still in his house, but I wouldn’t know because he says his house is too messy for me to see. He has been to my house numerous times and I’ve not been invited to his.All red flags? Really care about him and want to believe there’s hope…haven’t been in this situation and not sure how to proceed. Any thoughts?
Allison,
Yeah, those sounds like red flags. Since talking about his constant comments seemed to work, why not tell him that you want to see his home and that you don’t care how messy it is.
As for the ashes, that’s something he has to do on his own time. You can’t ask him to take care of those. Hopefully in the next few months as you become closer he’ll take the necessary steps to get rid of the ashes on his own.
Abel
Eve,
It’s common for recent widowers to get involved in relationships before they’re emotionally ready to do so. Sounds like the man you were dating just missed having someone in his life and started a relationship – only to realize a month or so later that he jumped back in the dating waters too soon.
My advice is this: If he calls, very nicely tell him it’s over and that he needs to take his time before getting involved in another relationship. Don’t waste any more time, energy, and emotions on this guy.
Abel
Thank you for your advice Abel. Thought I would update you.
After a week of silence, he called I told him how disrespectful he had been towards me and it wasn’t appreciated. His apology led into his explanation, guilt.
He was sincere and strated to open up to me. It was like he had been away from himself and was now back.
He opened up and talked about it all, the sickness, the dying, the love they had shared. He said she had told him she didn’t want him to be with anyone else when she was gone.
He wants so bad to get past the guilt and greif. We both know now that it was all too soon. We have decided to back off as far as starting a relationship. The chemistry is there. However we are both aware that he has some healing to do, and it’s not going to happen overnight. So for now we will try out best to remain only friends.
I agree very much with Elaine’s comment (May 2009 post). I have just finished dating a widower, whose wife died three years ago.
We have been dating for three months but for the last two I have suspected that he is still grieving strongly for his wife ( he denies this and says he’s moved on). He has admitted that he ‘can’t seem to keep any girlfriends beyond a couple of months’ and that he gets to a certain point in a relationship and ‘things start to go wrong’.
Over the last two months, I broached the subject gently several times with him because I felt that I was just filling the woman-shaped hole that was left in his life. He said he was confused about his feelings and did admit that he is dealing with issues of being unfaithful to his dead wife.
Finally, after struggling a little longer with this, we talked and I explained as clearly, and as kindly, as I could that I felt he could not honestly let me into his heart and his life to really make me his number one woman. Sadly, we both agreed to split up.
This was the first time that I had dated a widower. He is a lovely person and there is so much that I value about him but I’m not sure if he will ever be able to move on, or indeed want to.
Sorry to hear that, Salsa girl. I’m curious (as someone who has recently started dating a widower) … were there any other signs over those few mos that he was taking your relationship seriously? For example, did he have children/introduce you to them? Introduce you to friends or family? Or were your interactions with him mostly just the two of you?
In my situation, we’ve seen each other four or five times … always just the two of us, talking for 4-5 hours at a stretch. We get along beautifully and have a very substantial emotional connection. That said, until he starts incorporating me into his larger life (instead of dealing with me separately), I’m trying to keep a grip on my heart. We both have young children and he’s now suggested we get together with them for a playdate … so that suggests to me that he’s trying to move things along. But I’m still wary …
I started dating this twice widowed man some months ago – only seven months after the death of Number Two Wife. He is quite a lot older than I am, kind, generous and committed, but oh dear – I’m so tired of hearing about the sainted Number Two. I’ve been very patient, listening to endless stories of their wonderful holidays together, her amazing culinary skills and her long and trying last illness. I’ve tried saying: “Yes, you’ve told me that,” but the stories keep pouring out.
I realise he’s still mourning her, that he sought another woman to fill her place too quickly, but I’m very fond of him, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. Any suggestions?
It sounds like he needs more time to grieve and be ready for a committed relationship with you. It doesn’t sound at all like he is really thinking about you or how his non-stop talk about his former wife is affecting you. I would nicely say that you feel if he wants a “friend” to talk to is one thing but to rehash things over and over is not sensitive or appropriate to you. He may not realize he is doing it and doesn’t mean to hurt you or be insensitive to your feelings but you HAVE to let him know how you are feeling. If you don’t and if you keep YOUR feelings to yourself because you are “feeling sorry” for him that is NOT healthy or in your best interest or his.
I was amazed to read your site and to realise there are so many people going through the same emotional turmoil, you tend to feel you are the only one and no one will understand, very refreshing and helpful. My mum and step dad sent me the links, I wouldnt even have thought to read up about this stuff, it’s been so enlightening.
I started dating a widower approx 5 years ago, at the time his wife had been gone 15 years, he still had all her photos everywhere at home, apparently it was like a shrine, still had clothes in the wardrobe, nail varnish, perfume bottles etc on the dresser, I was never invited into his home early on and by the time I was alot of the items had been removed, moved, put away, however, the decor etc was exactly as it had been the day she passed away, he was only 42 and had 3 boys at the time, the youngest was 3. I did decide I would never stay in the house as she had passed away at home, and I was not sure it was not the same bed she had died in. His sons were ok with me, the youngest was 18 and still very dependent on his Dad at the time. For lots of reasons it didnt work out at the time,and although he loved me and said he never confused me with his 1st wife, I wasnt so sure, he was also still wearing his wedding ring on his wedding finer and her mothers wedding ring too, on the same finger…. after a time he removed these, as someone else pointed out to him how it couldnt be very nice for me to go out with what looked like a married man, when I had no ring on my finger, however, he was not willing to commit or change anything, so we parted. Periodically I would receive anon cards in the post, love cards, flowers etc. Eventually he sold his house and moved to Spain with 2 of his sons and one of their wives, family etc, I had moved on and was seeing someone else, this didnt work out for me…. My widower came back into my life, moved back into the UK, into my flat, by default, as he had nowhere else to stay at the time… I resented this for lots of reasons, also as I felt used, I would’ve preferred to start over, courting and taking things slowly, especially as the last time he was non commital, now he was saying things would be different, but I wasnt convinced, we parted for the 2nd time, he was prepared that time to marry me, buy a home together, have a child, in spite of being 18 years my senior…. so he said, he left very bitter. Fast forward 2 years on……. we are back in touch….. or have been since September, he is in his own flat now, his middle son approached me and said his Dad had said things would be so much better now we’re both in different places, both moved on etc, I was reluctant to get in touch as I felt he would still be angry with me because I rejected him 2 years ago, but we made contact, everything was going well, lovely in fact…he has a lovely little appt not far from where I now live, as I have also moved in the meantime, however, little things have started to come up again, hes always had his wifes ashes and they are in the kitchen by the kitchen sink, when I visited his home he had one photo of her in the kitchen and one in the lounge, their wedding photo, on his bed stead his 23 year old son, who was the 18 year old & is now in his own home, has tied his mums rosary beads, as he believes these protect his Dad, he now wears his rings on his right hand, but still her mums ring too…. I feel annoyed with myself because I did comment on the photos, and he moved them, but I wish I hadnt cos I agree he should’ve done that when or if he wanted to, I’ve also asked about the ashes, but he said now he would be doing someting with them because he has to, not because he wants to….His son also lost a daughter 7 years ago and apparently suggested to his Dad a few months ago they put both their ashes down, but he still didnt want to. I dont have a problem with the ashes to be honest, as I cant see her in the ashes, but the photos hurt more. We had a break for a week and when I visited next he’d put the picture back up, that hurt, but I thought well, he shouldnt have put it down til he was ready anyway, and yes I agree you tend to make far more allowances for widowers. This time round he was very attentive, he’s even told me in the past he loves me as much as he ever loved his first wife and he loved her loads!!! when we first met, he never stopped telling me all about her, constantly talking about her, so much so, I didnt even realise she had passed away, as we used to work together, so he’d talk to me about his family etc. This time round he’s talked again about marriage, children, moving on etc, it’s all been great, and then 4 weeks ago, he just pulled the plug on everything, said he is worried that in 5 years time I will have my head turned and leave him flat, he did admit to me, whenever we are apart, he goes back to her… so I guess he’s in a safe place, and if he ever did put her ashes anyway, I reckon he would be an incredibly lonely man. I envy the life they had, it all seemed so perfect, and he tells me he has no regrets, he nursed her through illness to her last breath, a very sad situation I pray never to be in. I have been very respectful of her as a woman, a mother and his wife. I have even been back to his old house and obtained cuttings of a willow tree she planted, so I could pot them and give them to the boys as a christmas present. Her birthday is 23rd Dec, at present we havent talked for nearly 3 weeks. He has told me over and over he has moved on, he knows shes never coming back, he knows shes gone, but please can you tell me, does this sound like someone who’s moved on? How much allowance do you make for grief? I hate it that I envy a ghost, because she seemed to have had the best of him and still does. I personally feel he knows he would have to make changes as he’s an all or nothing person, & therefore chooses to stay where he is, or is that me being narrow minded? He’s told his son he still loves me but needs to know I want him 110%, is this just excuses? I feel he needs to know I’m worth trading her for, but I would never replace her, thats impossible, what do you think? Incidentally the day after her funeral, he cut all his family off, and has never spoken to them since, even though his own mum passed away 2 years ago and asked for him at the hospital, he stil wouldnt go, it was almost like he was angry they were still here and she wasnt, he raised his 3 boys alone and even though he promised her he wouldnt raise the boys without a female in their lives, he didnt have another relationship until he met me, it’s now been 20 years since she passed away. Thanks for your site. Thanks for reading, just realised how much I’ve written
I have read alot of the comments on this blog and I remember seeing some of these same red flags while dating a widower. Ridiculously, I married him anyway and I am paying for it severely today. As we speak ,he is with his deceased wife’s family having a meal and socializing for the holidays… Didn’t even mention it until I asked him 5 minutes before he was supposed to leave. Talk about hurting, disrepectful, mean, inconsiderate..I mean pick an adjective! My thought process is that if you are someplace that your spouse would not be welcomed and/or comfortable-YOU as their spouse shouldn’t be there either. He claims its for his kids sake. It isn’t. Its for his sake. They are old enough to have taken themselves if they wanted to go. He still feels obligated to them and doesn’t want to let his kids down, so he still sacrifices the objections, security and discomfort of his wife (me) to please his kids and his wife’s family. We have a decent marriage, but it is FAR from what I prayed for and FAR from what I feel I deserve. I still get mail at my NEW house with her name on it. I am bombarded with her pictures, furs and clothes in the kids room….but can’t move those can we?
Bottom Line I guess is.. If you are seeing ANY of these red flags…please LISTEN….slow down…YIELD. Abel is not lying to you, I am living this nightmare and after marriage is worse if you don’t get clear parameters set and established consistanly while dating, I understand he is probably a lovable guy-BUT do yourself a favor. Consider others (sorry guys…really I am) but being with him and sharing his heart with his fmr wife, his kids wishes, his fmr wife’s family and their wishes at my expense, is breaking MY heart….I don’t wish this pain of regret on any other woman ever. Be sure, just be VERY VERY sure.
Me? We will probably make it. I am taking alot of hits and I continue to roll with the punches, take the “body slams” and move on. I am a tough cookie and have been through way worse than this. But if you are expecting a fairytale romance, and a love that will make you feel as if you are the BEST thing that has ever happened to him, it probably won’t happen. To say you are the best, would mean that she wasn’t-HE MAY NEVER EVER TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE THE BEST-IN ANY AREA- Can you handle that? Possibly you can and if so-Go girl-but I am a witness, its not as simple as it may seem from that side of the fence.
RIght on point Denise!…I’ve been dating a widower for a few years who has been asking me to marry him and or move in with him for a couple of years now…He has used his widow-hood as an excuse to physically shove me around (twice) and has repeadedly called me rotten names when any arguements occur that are usually about his drinking and or his second wife’s picture’s made up like a shrine..He has three children from his 2nd wife (the one that went home/died…his first wife he divorced after 3 years), but his second wife’s marriage lasted over 25 years with him. He blames or uses his daughters, who are grown with their own families as an excuse to display and even carry the deceased partners’ picture in his bilfold..not my picture, but hers with them together. Every time we have a disagreement, I back off/retreat to my own home and if I stop by, my picture is put away and her pictures are put back up/on display/shrines of the dead wife…Now, after these years of dating him exclusively, he’s put up pictures of the both of them together, smooing and whatever…These articles have really opened up my eyes…No more games, no more swallowing the lies, no more foolishness…LIFE IS WAYYY TOOO SHORT!!! I am sooo glad I didn’t move in with him and soo glad I didn’t say yes to his proposals!!…Oh and a BIG THANKS to Abel for starting this “FIRE” of information!!!
This web site, and these postings, have given me the courage to break iit off with the widower I’ve been seeing for nearly a year. His wife died two years ago. While some of the “signs” were not there – I did meet his friends, and I did meet one of his grown children – her pictures are still up, including the one in the bedroom! I know that he has tried hard with me, but in the end, he is not yet ready to let go of her, and to put me first. And I deserve to be put first, just I would do for him. So thanks to Abel and to all of you for helping me to make this difficult decision.
Thank you so much for this site, it has really helped me. Abel, I can’t wait to read your book! I have been dating a widower for 4 months. His wife died 1 & 1/2 years ago. We have never had a conversation that she wasn’t mentioned, and he still wears his wedding ring. When I ask about it he says it just a “habit”. I’ve told him how I feel about it and he tries to remember to take it off when we’re going to be together. But anytime I show up unexpected he has it on! He is good to me but I always feel like there are three of us! Any ideas?
I meant a widowor about three years ago. His wife had only been dead for six weeks when I meant him. They had a wonderful marriage until she developed terminally cancer and died at the age of 41. I was very reluctant to go on a date with him because I myself was just recently divorced but he pursued me relentlessly until I did. One thing lead to another and soon we went away for the weekend . It was a wonderful weekend but as soon as it was over he just disappeared. Three years later he still will periodically contact me. At one point I didnt hear from him for almost one year and he magically appeared at my door. Then he disappeared again for 4 months. Recently he called me up and invited me to come and visit him in his home which is located six hours away. He seemed very sincere when he said he wanted to see me and that he was at a diffferent place in his life. So we made plans for a visit. iI did not go alone because I was very nervous about how it would go. I took one of my friends with me whom he knows. He had never invited me to his home before and I thought maybe he was ready for a little something more. When i got there I was amazed by how beautiful his home was. In the living room were shelves full of pictures of his deceased wife. her jewerly box still sits on her vanity and as he so informed me the house is still just the way she left it. Even the dishes in the cupboard are arranged just the same. He has removed her clothes from their closet and put them in the attic. He talked about her the entire weekend. How she died, what a sweetheart she was, things she had said to him, etc… He was very distance and unaffectate toward me. He was not the same man I talked to on the phone with a week and a half earlier. I regret going and wish i had declined his offer. This man has been stringing me along and keeping me on an emotional roller coaster for almost three years. About the time I move on with my life and forget him he will call again. He has begun to drink a lot ( on a daily basis) and he has turned away from the church. His daughter left last year for college and since she has left he really has nothing to focus on and seems to just be partying his life away. I truely care for this man but I am tried of being treated badly. i have tried to talk to him about his lack of communication but he just says that I know how he is and that women dont understand how men think. I never chase or pursue him When he does not call me for months on end I do not call him or try to contact him but he just keeps floating in and out of my life. I think it is time for him to float out forever. I too made excuses for his behaviors because of his widower status but I believe it is time for me to put my foot down and mean it.
Hi
I have read your articles with great interest. I am dating a widower of 6 months. We met 3 months ago. He and i get on very well. He convinces me that he has gone through the grieving process and tells me he did it in about a month after his wife died. She was ill for 5 yeras. Is it possible for someone to get over a loved one of 12 years in such a short space of time and be able to move on. He treats me well. He does not compare me outwardly with late wife. He still has her ashes and clothes in her wardrobe but i respect this. I am worried that he is using me even though he has told me he isn’t. He has read loads of books on the grief process and is very well educated on this matter. I cant understand how a man can be so quick in grieving but in his words he said his LW has gone and he has accepted that and he wants to move on. I think it is too quick. I divorced my husband 18mths ago and i am still grieving over it so how can a man that loved his wife for that length of time be ready to move on? Confused and afraid.
Faithe I would be confused and afraid too. I have had an on again off again relationship with a widower for almost three years. He has put me through the emotionally wringer several times. I would just proceed with caution. When i first meet the widower I know he said he wanted to move on with his life too. He still says it. Unfortunately he just doesn’t seem to be able to do that. The guy I know still talks about his wife constantly, the house is full of her pictures, the cupboards are still full of outdated food that she bought, and everything in the house is just the way she left it. He frequently disappears for several months at a time. He wont answer phone calls or text messages. Then he will call and talk to you like nothing ever happened. He tells me he cares about me and would do anything in the world for me. Anything but communicate how he really feels. I guess a lot of it is my fault because i have allowed a lot of bad behavior on his part because I felt so bad about his loss. I have tolerated behaviors from him I would not any other man. Dont fall into that trap. As long as things are going great thats good. if bad behavior starts I would nip it right off the bat. i have been confused and worried for three years and it stinks.
Oh well…. wish I’d found this site 6 months ago. I met a widower of 1 year, after my 10 years of celibacy waiting to meet Mr. Right for Me. I thought I did but now I see the light!
– time for me to move on. Thanks Abel.
I’ve been married to a widower for 8 years now, and I wish I would have researched the potential problems before I married. I had no idea what I was to face. Although he’s a great guy, I also feel there is someone else in our relationship–someone that I imagine was perfect. Marrying a widower is not for everyone, for sure. Take it slowly.
WOW!!! I am so stunned. I had been dating a widower of 7 months. The relationship had sky rocketed from day one. I questioned how he could have moved through the grieving process so quickly. He told me he loved his wife but had so much more love to give. He had fallen ” hook, line and sinker ” for me. I absorbed all this like a sponge. After about 6 weeks into the relationship , I noticed the whole tone of his texts and behavior had changed. Finally, he pulled the plug , and dissapeared. I received one text apologizing but that he needed more time. It is now 2 weeks since I was banished. I am now gaining control and ready to move on. If he does reappear, I will be leary. He too was a wonderful guy. We had alot of fun and intimacy however I cannot forget the degree of how he disrespected me by just texting me his need for time. This site has really straightened out my head even further. Thank you all and good luck
Thank you, everyone, for showing me I am not alone in these experiences and hurtful feelings.
It’s great to read all yous ladies stories. I have just started dating a widower, his wife die 2 years ago. He says he want to move on wit his life and sell the house they lived intogether for 22 years. After reading these stories it is completely scaring me off. I feel I have to counteract every good feeling about him/us with an (over)balanced of it not working out. It is very early days – what should I be asking? He has no ring. Wants to move out of de house. Wants to take it slow. I do too but I just don’t feel free to relax and enjoy. I am the first lady he has met since his wife’s death. Is it really possible that the first lady could be the one he stays with? It seems unlikely to me because this is where he will get over his hurdles and face many first times with me – i wish I wasn’t the first. But I don’t want to be all negative – but feel I can’t be positive. I have said I want a family one day – he says he never considered it due to his wife not being able to have children. The question is too big for him right now I see but I def do want children, he may come round to it – or shall I just run? It seems to early to ask if it’s out of the question. I wish I had a list of questions to ask to see if it is worth me pusuing this. Any advice? We have only kissed once very early that sent us both in a panic. Now we are takin it slow. I don’t know what to do, Maybe I should just stay single…. I like him, he likes me, he just want to be friends and see.. I do too.. but I do have an agenda for my life and it involves children… shall I say this? Ah – i think he knows it. I’ve mentioned it twice now how I wanted it with my ex. aahhh scared!!!
Barbara,
YES! You need to tell him how you feel about children. If you haven’t already. You should be able to discuss these things. It is the adage, “it is too early in the relationship to bring it up but too late in life not to”. No matter if he is a widower of not. Good luck!
I just lost my wife a month and a half ago. Abel, as you can imagine, the loneliness is unbearable. My wifes’s death was sudden and it was a tragic situation where I discovered my wife stricken by a heart attack. I guess I am still in the middle of getting over the trauma and grief of finding her so stricken. The memory haunts me and I guess it will haunt me until the end of my life. Abel, I want to date again but I haven’t done so yet because I don’t want to cheat the new woman to spend time with an undecided,hesitant and damaged personality. My question is how will I know when I am ready to start dating again? Until I can figure it out I am keeping my wedding ring on. -Arthur
I would really like some feedback. I am dating a widower; and we met about a month after his wife ended her life. We took everything really slow by just texting for several months before even meeting up again. I’m having an issue with his ex-in laws now that we are further into our journey. They want to meet him for dinner two times a week, and want him to go to the cemetery with them every other weekend. Although they preach to him to move on. I feel as though their words and actions are contracting one another, as he attempted to create some space from the weekly dinners the ex-mother-in-law stated, “it feels like we are loosing you too.” I think this is a completely selfish and mean statement to make. If anyone has a comment or some helpful words, please share them!
UPDATE:
Since the last time I posted things have changed. H told me that he didn’t think he could ever love anyone again. But told me he needed to end our relationship because I did not want to have children and he did. Does anyone think this is bizarre other than me? Can’t love anyone but will end what we have because I don’t want kids?! I am so hurt and betrayed. I feel as though I was a stepping stone for him to get over his late wife. As I helped him sleep in the master bedroom again, put away pictures of her…. He said he loved everything about me, but couldn’t say he more than liked me.
If anyone has some insight I would greatly appreciate it!
Amanda,
Every relationship has deal breakers. If the W wants kids and you don’t I can see why he’d break it off (Assuming that’s the real reason.) However, if this was something he knew about when the relationship was just beginning, he should have though more about moving forward at that time.
Abel
thanks for your wise words and also those who have shared their stories. I found this site when I was already involved with a widower of 18 months and the “photos of late wife” issue came up. I can’t believe how common and how unnerving this issue is and how this guy didn’t get it at all. 2 weeks later it was over after he excluded me from a family gathering – what a relief, I would hesitate to date a widower again, I’m sorry for all you fine men out there in that situation. I wanted to be the one to help him heal but now realise that widowers have to do that for themselves before they reach out for new relationships. I am now feeling like a bit of a failure but am helped greatly by the caring words and the community of women and men who have experienced the same.
I dated a widower for about 3 months. We clicked from the start. It was easy to communicate with each other and we both have preschool aged kids. Our kids got along great too. He introduced me to his mother on the 1 year anniversary of his late wife’s death. His mother and brother loved me. His father did too. He never mentioned me to his late wife’s family as they were giving him enough grief for not keeping in touch more often. Things were great, until Christmas holiday rolled around and he just stopped talking to me, and everyone else (what he said). Long story short it ended as he felt guilt and regret about me. Like he was cheating on his late wife… I wish I had stumbled on this site sooner. My child asks about his child often and talks about missing them. It breaks my heart for my child’s loss and also for my own. I can’t say I have ever been do mentally in sinc with someone. If I am honest I still love him. I talk to other men now, but they don’t have that connection that I shared with the widower I dated. I would love to believe him, that he will call me when he has dealt with his feelings, but I don’t think he will. I planned on sending him a book on grief for his birthday. I don’t know that it would go over well. Should I send anything? I feel like I am losing not only am amazing man but also an amazing friend.