Red Flags to Watch for When Dating a Widower
February 10th, 2008 | 53 comments
Over the last few years I’ve received hundreds of emails from women dating widowers. From them I’ve noticed some patterns of behavior that indicate the widower isn’t ready for a serious relationship and just using the woman to temporarily fill the void created by the death of his late wife.
If the widower you’re dating has one or more of the red flags below, don’t take it to mean that the relationship is doomed or that that issues can’t be resolved. However, keep your eyes open to potential problems before giving too much of your heart to him. It’s better to know what to look for and bail out early then waste years of your life with a widower who’s not ready to make you the center of his universe.
The Widower Hides You from Family and Friends
It’s not easy for a widower to let friends and family know there’s a new woman in his life – especially when many of them are still grieving over the late wife’s passing. He’s probably worried that they’ll think he’s moving on too fast or, perhaps, won’t be open to the idea of seeing him with someone else. He might also be concerned that this new relationship will cause friction with other family and friends who are still mourning.
These worries and concerns are natural, but they’re no excuse. If a widower really has serious feelings for you, he won’t let the thoughts or opinions of others stop him from letting the world know about you. He will find a way to introduce you to family and friends. Don’t worry whether friends and family will approve of you. Your only concern is whether or not the widower is embarrassed to tell others about you.
You Remind the Widower of His Late Wife
Widowers are naturally attracted to people that remind them of their recently departed wife. Hair color, body type, or similar interests are just a few things that might make him notice you.
If you look, act, think, or have other similarities to the late wife, be very concerned – particularly if the widower’s wife is recently deceased. The danger here is that he’ll want you to be the late wife and once he realizes you can’t be the woman he still loves, the relationship will come to a crashing end.
He Constantly Compares You to His Late Wife
People are creatures of habit. We become accustomed to things being done a certain way. In relationships – especially those that have lasted many years – one becomes used to the spouse’s habits and ways of doing things.
One of the big adjustments widowers have to make when they become serious with another woman is realizing that you come with your own unique habits and ways of doing things. Widowers who can’t remember that you’re a different person are a ticking time bomb. Unless you’re willing to become the late wife and do things exactly like she did them, don’t waste your time. Bail out while you still have some sense of identity left.
There Are Still Visible Shrines to the Late Wife
When a wife dies, she becomes immortalized. It doesn’t matter how many faults or sins she committed before she died; overnight those things are forgotten and those behind tend to focus on the good qualities and characteristic of the deceased. Often the person is immortalized through online memorial sites, photos, or even literal shrines to that person.
If a widower is truly making room in his heart for you, the shrines, photographs, and other ways of commemorating the dead will slowly disappear. He’ll find a way to make his home and other places you frequent together a place where you’ll feel comfortable. Don’t even try to compete with a ghost. You’ll always lose. If the shrines remain, it’s time to find someone else who doesn’t mete out his love to dead idols.
He Won’t Tell You That He Loves You
The widower sends you cards, flowers, and chocolates. You have great dates and fun-filled romantic weekends together. He treats you right and gives you all the outward signs that he loves you but an “I love you” has yet to part his lips.
It’s not always easy for men to express what’s in their hearts. But they will express them when the feelings are strong enough. Anyone can give you flowers or a memorable night on the town. Nothing, however, can take the place of a sincere “I love you.” If the widower you’re dating can’t tell you that he loves you and mean it, you risk being a passing fancy with nothing to show for the relationship other than memories and a broken heart.
He Refuses to Talk About His Grief
It’s not a secret that men don’t like talking about their feelings. But you should be reach a point where you both feel comfortable talking about the progress (or lack thereof) that he’s making in regards to his grief.
Open communication doesn’t come overnight. It’s a process of working together and understand when and how to approach the other person. If he can’t or won’t tell you occasionally the progress he’s making as far as moving on, you risk waking up one day and realizing that he’s still in great sorrow and you’ll never have a place in his heart.
Conclusion
Any successful relationship takes two people to make it work. However, both people involved need to make the other person the center of their universe. A relationship with a widower can wonderful – so long as you both work to make is successful. If the widower is letting the dead wife come between the two of you, it’s time to move on.
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Another two cents worth. Imagine dealing with grief when there are two widowed persons involved. Neither intended to fall for the other one and were not looking for any type of relationship. Both still have shrines and both admit they are still in love with their deceased. Are they both crazy? No, they are newly widowed. What happens at about the two year mark is that inevitable lonliness that only a person of the opposite gender seems to be able to fulfill. To say it is a struggle for two such people is an understatement. But if one is only looking for a replacement, this might be a problem. If, however, they are willing to be good friends to one another and allow time to pass where both of them are ready to take on a serious relationship, what better way than that of two good friends? What do they have to lose if all they ever are, are just good friends? Those are harder to find than any lover.
I agree with most of what you say. I do not agree about the grief talk. I don’t feel it is my place to be the therepist to a grieving widower. Many of the women the widower will date will fall into this trap – The counselor. It is best avoided. many men do not seek professional help to deal with the grief. I had been down that road with my husband who is a former widower and it was very wrong. It made me feel sorry for him and also kept me from being myself to an extent because I felt like I was being selfish? Does that make sense. While you are waiting for your partner to become whole you are not having your own needs met in a relationship. It has taken a very long time to get to the point where we are us and not “them” but it has been worth it. for others it never gets to that point and they divorce because the man is stuck in grief and it destroys the new marriage.
Maria,
The “grief talk” I was referring to IS NOT a counseling or therapy session. It simply means both parties being able to be open with each other about how things are going. There’s nothing wrong with the girlfriend being able to ask how the widower’s doing and the widower being able to tell her how he’s feeling. Open communication is simply part of having a healthy relationship – whether you’re dating a widow or widower, someone who’s been divorced, or never married before. I highly suggest an open communication environment to avoid the very problem you had with your widower husband when you were first married.
I agree with you that women shouldn’t fall into the trap of being a councilor. That isn’t the role of a girlfriend/wife. But both parties should feel comfortable enough to talk with each other about anything. In your example, you should have been able to express your feelings that you felt the dead wife was a third wheel – before you were married – and he should have been able to tell you what progress he was making to make you the center of his universe.
Abel
I have been a widow for over 6 years and only recently began dating. My late husband had qualities that attracted me to him in the beginning. I am not looking for someone just like my late husband, but there are qualities in a partner that each of us intrinsically looks for. I hope my new partner has some of those qualities.
Able, Thank you once again for your insight and sharing in this article. and your other enries. Your writing has been so helpful to me in dating my current bf ,a widower. He is a great guy and of course I’m hoping there is a future for us, but your reality checks really help me to move forward slowly and with both eyes open. Things are going well for us and we seem to check in with each other on the greiving process at least once a month. I really appreciate your candor and it has made the process alot more understandable for me.
Regards,
Lorrie
BANG ON, Abel!! I agree with 99% of what you have written. However, I think it’s up to the individual couple as to what their particular (and individual) comfort levels may be in regards to keeping pictures of the late wife. As mentioned in my book, my formerly widowed husband keeps his “memorabilia” in a trunk in our basement. I have no problem with that, as I do not care to view them personally, but I do not begrudge him his occasional walk down Memory Lane when he feels the need.
Interestingly, I was contacted by one WOW (Wife Of a Widower), as I call us, who enjoyed having pictures of the late wife on her mantle. She tells me that she often stops to “thank” the late wife’s picture for the man she loves today.
Different strokes for different folks, I guess!
Anyway, keep up the great work, Abel!
Best regards,
Julie Donner Andersen
After reading through these warning signs and comments, I am so happy. Last year, this time of year was much harder for me, and Abel, I shared this with you then. My husband is a widower, and I was stuck in the position where I wanted to talk to my husband about how his distance while he was reliving times with his first wife were truly affecting me, but had a very hard time because I was putting his feelings before my own because of all that he had been through. And I learned how to talk to him about my needs as well as how to be just as compassionate and sincere as I have always been with my regards to his feelings. It was the most uncomfortable conversation I think I have had to date so far, but so valuable! It opened up doors in both of us. It removed my reservations of talking to him about her, and he realized he could talk to me about her. And he also was aware of my need to be the number 1 in his life and welcomed me with open arms once he realized how our situation at the time was beginning to divide us. But now, over a year later, I no longer feel like a visitor in ‘their home’ but instead, like it is our home. I see none of the warning signs, and our communication is great. My reason for sharing this is to give others an example from my life on how things can go from possibly doomed to true love and happiness on both sides with communication. It’s not easy, but being honest with the widow/widower and yourself about what you need, while still showing that you are there for them when they need you, really can help them see that while the past was wonderful and will always be a wonderful chapter in their life, and is part of what made them who it is that you fell in love with, that you are the next wonderful chapter and are here now. Which helped my husband come back to me. I’m just very grateful that we were able to open that door of communication that was crucial for both sides to be happy. There are still some things that are difficult on occasion, but luckily, we can discuss them. I hope that others in this situation are able to get the same results from talking about everything that needs to come out. Thank you Abel!
After reading through these warning signs and comments, I am so happy. Last year, this time of year was much harder for me, and Abel, I shared this with you then. My husband is a widower, and I was stuck in the position where I wanted to talk to my husband about how his distance while he was reliving times with his first wife were truly affecting me, but had a very hard time because I was putting his feelings before my own because of all that he had been through. And I learned how to talk to him about my needs as well as how to be just as compassionate and sincere as I have always been with my regards to his feelings. It was the most uncomfortable conversation I think I have had to date so far, but so valuable! It opened up doors in both of us. It removed my reservations of talking to him about her, and he realized he could talk to me about her. And he also was aware of my need to be the number 1 in his life and welcomed me with open arms once he realized how our situation at the time was beginning to divide us. But now, over a year later, I no longer feel like a visitor in ‘their home’ but instead, like it is our home. I see none of the warning signs, and our communication is great. My reason for sharing this is to give others an example from my life on how things can go from possibly doomed to true love and happiness on both sides with communication. It’s not easy, but being honest with the widow/widower and yourself about what you need, while still showing that you are there for them when they need you, really can help them see that while the past was wonderful and will always be a wonderful chapter in their life, and is part of what made them who it is that you fell in love with, that you are the next wonderful chapter and are here now. Which helped my husband come back to me. I’m just very grateful that we were able to open that door of communication that was crucial for both sides to be happy. There are still some things that are difficult on occasion, but luckily, we can discuss them. I hope that others in this situation are able to get the same results from talking about everything that needs to come out. Thank you Abel!
Abel:
I agree with most of your comments above, but I also do agree with some of the responses from others. Each couple has to evaluate the “Red Flags” relative to their own situations.
In my case I am a widower with two teenage daughters at home, my girlfriend is a widow with two daughters at home as well. In both of our cases, we have plenty of pictures of our deceased spouses around our homes. Neither of us is threattened by this, as, the spouse we have lost is the other parent of our children. Just because we are dating and looking to a more serious relationship is not a reason in either of our cases to “erase” remembrances of our spouses from our homes, especially for our childrens’ sake. In time we may make some changes, but, neither of us feel threatened by this right now. We believe in our ability to forge a new rerlatonship with each other, with out need to erase our pasts. Also, we are working on adding pictures of ourselves and children to each others houses as well right now.
We also are very comfortable with sharing with each other who we were married too, both good times and bad. We both understand those difficult “anniversary” dates that remind of our deceased spouses and support each other when they arrive. We both understand it is possible to love one another, while having a special place in our heart and love for who we have lost.
I will admit, it will depend upon who the widow/widower is dating. Before I met my current girlfriend, I was communicating with a divorced woman who asked me to tell her about my life…. Well, after having spent 18+ years of my life with my wife, I either had to tell some of that or leave a big gap. In all honesty, I did not go into much detail, but realy only gave an overview. She responded to me that as I still had memories of my wife, I was not ready to be dating and shouldn’t be. My response to her was, if you can not deal with the fact that a man has memories of his marriage to a wife who is now deceased, then you should not date a widower. My wife had become a part of my heart and always would be. My heart is big enough to love again, for the right lady who can understand and accept me for who I am as I am.
Great insight, as usual, Abel. Thanks for putting it all into words so eloquently
Hugs to you, MG and the kids
Lisa
Abe,
For the first time since 2005 when I lost my wife in a ghastly motor accident, I have read and discovered myself in your article. All the red flags are real as I find it difficult to date.
But I need help in getting on with life again. Especially now that I have just been introduced to a widow of 4 years whose husband was shot to death. She has no kids but I have four, the youngest is 19 years.
She is yet to get a job having just graduated from the university. She went back to school after the tragic loss of her husband 4 years ago.I am over 50 and she is over 40.
The memories on both sides are immense.
Hi I am married to a widower. I must saywhen we first began dating I wanted to know all about his wife etc. Then I went through a patch where I got sick of her presence in our relationship. We have now married and I have moved to my husbands town, We have bought a house together and all is fine.
We have one of my husbands daughters living with us, and downstairs she has photos of her mother. We did have an issue with a cabinet that was a memorial to late wife being set up in our main lounge. I objected to this and it is now downstairs in the rumpus room.
Given time we have sorted through a lot of issues.
The only thing I am not comfortable is when late wife’s birthday and death date come around, husband goes out to dinner with daughters to commemorate. I feel uncomfortable when he then comes home and gets into my bed. I am trying hard though as I feel I would be selfish and unfeeling to put a stop to this.
I wasted 5 1/2 years with a widower. We got along great, but the widower was very close to his in-laws, who lived very closeby and who were very unpleasant and sometimes downright nasty. Other times they would be friendly, if they were in the mood. It was difficult for them to accept their son-in-law moving on. Or, they saw me as a threat. Who knows, but I do know I was always polite and cordial, even when they acted out of line………His adult married son thought his father dated too soon, resented it, and treated me like “the other woman”……I loved this widower very much and felt like a priority the first 2 1/2 years. When it became clear that these relatives were unable to accept things, it started to come between us and the relationship started to decline. The widower tried to keep everyone happy and keep everyone on the same playing field, instead of looking out for his own happiness and our happiness together………. Needless to say, I ended this relationship and will never get involved with a widower again.
Red flags to add to the list: Being too close to the in-laws and nasty adult children. You’ll never win in this situation. I wish someone warned me about what I was getting into. What a waste of my life.
I am married to a widower. From the very beginning, he has made me feel like his number one. And, blessing of blessings, his two teenage children have accepted me as their “earth mother” – I adore them. I know he has loving memories of this late wife, and I encourage him to talk about her – which does not happen incessantly – as it helps me to understand the life he and the kids lived before I met them, and allows the children to know more about their mom. We have one photograph of her up in the office area with the other extended family pics, and the kids have several in their rooms. The family photo albums are in a cedar chest in the living room for the kids to peruse as they wish.
I would just say that, in dating/marrying a widow(er), trust your instincts and expect and put up with no less than you would with an individual who did not have this experience in their past. Although there are some challenges unique to dating a widow(er), for the most part, the relationship should be smooth sailing – just as it would be without that added factor. For me, it was a no-brainer from close to the start. He was “the one”, and boy did I inherit some wonderful kids and extended family too! This is not to say there will not be difficulties with inlaws, friends, or others who knew the widower and his late wife, but as long as you are his priority/he is your advocate, and you can develop a tolerable (and hopefully loving!) relationship with the children (if any) then you will be in good shape.
I lost my husband of 23 wonderful years of marriage,3 years ago. I met an adorable,caring, man who also lost his wife 3 1/2 years ago.He was married 20+ wonderful years as well. Both of our spouses died of cancer. I have 3 sons who are all in college. He has a son and daugher still in highschool. His son as well as mine graciously accept our relationship which is definately headed towards marriage. After dating this man for 1 1/2 years, his 17 year old daughter has only spoke to me (saying hello) twice I truly feel her pain and I am very sensitive to her feelingsI love this man with all my heart and we share a fairy-tale relationship,that is absolutely amazing. If we marry, I would be living in their home, and I feel so veryintimidated by his daugher The comfort level is unbearable at times. Life is too short to allow anything to interfere with this beautiful relationship. I am a very easy going,sensitive, happy person and I feel so torn in this situation .I do know for sure ,here is a love that God gives us for someone else, after losing your first love of your life. We are living proof!!!!! We speak of our deceased spouses freely and openly. Whats a woman to do in a case llike , this if all is good, except for the daughter? Does any one out there have any suggestions for me?
My husband, a widower, and I married about a year ago. We rushed, not thinking of the consequences, into marriage less than six months after his wife passed away. She had cancer and he was her caregiver. He does not share any of their 15+ years together with me, and actually hardly ever even speaks her name. He booked our honeymoon to the same place they planned theirs. And later I found that our trip was booked in their names. I am hurt, jealous, and threatened by a woman who is no longer living. How do women deal with this? How do we stop the feelings and get our husbands to open up and become our friendss, as well?
I too am going with a man who lost his wife 3 years ago to cancer.
He is 60 and we have been dating for about 6 months. He has
her name everywhere. On the walk-way into the home, over
the garage door, on the stones out by the pool and on his truck,
pictures of her all over even on the kitchen counter, bedroom
where we are intimate and on his computer moniter. I feel very
hurt over this because i asked him to at least remove the one in
the bedroom when we are intimate, which he finally did, and
now he calls me by her name. over 100 times in the past month of June and I just don’t think I can deal with it. I have tried so hard
to be patient and not say too much but the straw finally broke the camels back and I told him how I felt. He came back with the
words that I should have felt “honored” that he called me
that, well needless to say I told him I thought he needed
grief counceling and he told me that I needed it???Maybe
I do for getting too involved with this man. He was with
her 15 years and this is his 3rd. marriage. They had
no children together, what is his point??? I am totally
confused—–does anyone have any advice for me….
Hello – this site has helped me a lot – i started dating a widower about 18 months ago – he asked me to move in and before we did i felt i was brave in talking about some of the things in the house that reminded him (and me ) about his wife – ornaments etc that shouted to me every birthday, anniversary and celebration – he said it was right that they were put away but ive moved in now and they are still there and i dont feel able to bring it up again. His wifes ashes are in the garden – which i now tend and there wedding rings and precious things are on shelfs next to our bed – i can see them all of the time …. i love him and he has made major changes in his life – but i still feel like a substitue, second best.
I am 33and dating a 55 year old man that lost his wife a year ago
on may17th 2008. The anniversary was yesterday and it was like
I was at faught for just being apart of his life at this time.I knew what day it was so I took my kids to the beach to give him some along time.As we returned there was a car coming out the drive i asked him who it was he stated it was his family I said oh ok.Then as I went to turn around he said that he hasn’t got to see them in 30 days like it was my faught.Then after that he ask me how how did I expect him to be happy for my sons birthday on May 7th and mine on May13th and Mothers day also when he was trying to grieve i said nothing in return I knew her birthday was April29th but he said nothing about it.Well then to top it all off he made the statement that he didn’t like us living together that it was breaking all his morales.So what to do that seems to me he is telling me to get out or what PLEASE HELP ME!
I was married to a widower, we met soon after the loss of his wife, married 1 1/2 years after her death. I put up with too much, his deceitful lying to friends, accusing me of being the bad guy, destroying the relationships between family and friends he had before I ever met them. He has two girls, at first they liked me, 6 months into the marriage, his youngest wanted to leave home to live with her older sister, he threw me out when she left. We split up 3 more times and each time he would sweet talk me into coming back. I loved this man. finally we divorced, he talked everything out of my hands…..he remarried 6 days after the divorce, a woman he had been sleeping with for years before his first wife died, she has 3 young girls. In sifting through our life in a box full of papers and pictures, I found pictures his first wife had hiding, of his oldest daughter drawings….shear proof she had been molested by her father. My relationship was doomed from the begining.
Abel, I have your page bookmarked because your thoughts and the experiences of those who have dated widowers have really helped me over the last six months. I was involved with a man whose wife died of cancer. He is/was a friend before we became involved. Theirs was a horrible marriage, but with her death, he feels guilty about how he dealt with their relationship and she is approaching sainthood in his mind. All the signs were there that he wasn’t ready: her pictures, her clothes in the closet, even her shoes still by his bed. Slowly he got rid of them, but all the photos remain. He is very close to his in-laws who he called every day. He says they want him to move on so I have to trust that. The worst part was the pulling me close and then the next day, pushing me away. He said he wanted to marry me and live with me. I got roped in. Then in quick succession he would hide our relationship from friends and colleagues. “Moving in together” became “visit once in awhile.” He saw me when he could, usually at the last minute. I was patient and understanding but ultimately it would all boil over. I would get hurt and pull away myself. Then he would get mad at me and accuse me of the same behavior as his wife. Rather than feel like a punching bag, I tried to talk to him about it. But he sees no problem with his behavior. I’m the one with the problems. And from all these posts, I know he is not ready. I love him, but I love myself more. I’m walking away. Thank you all for saving me from months of heartache and wasted time.
Amy, Tina
Reading your stories gives me a direct indication and warning that I need not get involved with anyone at this point. In my grieving process, i would end up like these widowers and treat their girl like garb and destroy their lives. The world is much better off if I continue to be alone, as troubling as this is, but this way someone won’t get hurt and heart broken. No woman deserves this abuse, and i’m not about to live with the guilt and shame of putting anyone through that. Being alone is bad but hurting an innocent woman because of a widowers self misery is unfair since it’s not her fault he didn’t get thru his grief properly. Thank you for sharing your stories.
Mindy,
You did the right thing.
Abel
This is all new to me. A co-worker introduced me to a man who just lost his 3rd wife after a extended illness. A couple of months after her passing they invited me to go out, as a group, to meet this man. After 3 group dates we have began dating on our own. We talk on the phone for hours and the only mention of the deceased is casual conversation. He has 3 children at home, one of which is from the deceased wife.
I have not been to his home yet, Or met any of his family.
We had not slept together until the other night. The next day, he seemed quiet and i pretty much figured out he may be feeling guilty about it. I was the first since his wife. When i ask him he told me he wasn’t going to lie to me, it did bother him a little.
I am being very guarded with this new relationship. IF he feels any guilt should i hold on and give him time or get out now?
I’ve been in a relationship with a widower for 17 months. His wife passed 2 years ago. The little voice in my head said that it was too soon for him to be dating, but he assured me he was ready and I knew that he had dated women before I met him. I felt so much sympathy for him in the beginning, but now it seems as though he has made no more progress in moving on than when we first met. Photos are everywhere, the shrine is still in the livingroom, he still tears up about once a week when his wife comes up, he wears their wedding rings around his neck, he tells me something about her about half of the times we are together.
The trouble is that he’s such a great guy. My kids are crazy about him, his kids are great. His friends and family like me, my friends and family like him. We make each other laugh, we enjoy spending time together.
I want to try to help him see that he is not moving past his greif, but I dont know how. I’ve tried to talk to him about how his feelings for his late wife affect us, but he doesn’t see it. He has said many times that he does not need counselling. I’m almost at the point where I feel I need to give him a choice between seeking help and ending the relationship. But it feels cruel.
I have been dating a widower for a year now and I have fallen in love with him, in spite of his lack of affection (kissing, hugging). We are totally compatible (widowed…me 8 yrs, him 4 yrs) as we both lost our spouses to cancer and we have the same interests in almost every aspect. We have had sex, but each time he feels guilty and says we really shouldn’t because we are only “friends”. I agreed to slow things down and consent to sex only when he initiates it, but my feelings are deeper now and I want more. He says he wants to date other women because he is not sure about his feelings. I suggested setting him free and he said he wanted to continue dating me because he really enjoys our time together. I don’t think I can “share” him with anyone else, but I want to give him space so maybe he can find out for himself that he really cares for me. What should I do?
JP…It is not cruel to protect yourself. You seem to view the landscape and have communicated. Take the death/widower issues out of this picture. If you were falling in love with another guy who presented certain issues, you expressed your concern over those issues, but he didn’t see any need to modify the behavior, then what would you do? I think is is different, would be different, if he said to you, OK, I try to understand where you’re coming from and get help, or ‘let’s work on this’….but you don’t seem to be getting that. Protect yourself. The wedding ring around the neck needs to come off before he moves on and he probably needs counseling, not just time passing, before that will happen.
Jo and Eve, sex with guilt? The widowers need time to heal and/or grief counseling. I hate that old adage that a widower needs one throw-away relationship after the death of LW to get back into life and a new committed relationship. I really do hate that, but it could be that this is the case for the two of you. Both of you have a right to protect your hearts and NOT feel guilty if you set boundaries, expectations and he does not meet them, and you walk away.
I HAVE BEEN DATING A MAN FOR A LITTLE MORE THAN 2 AND A HALF YEARS. WE BOTH LOST OUR SPOUSES WITH- IN A MONTH OF EACH OTHER, FIVE YEARS AGO. HE WAS MARRIED 41 YEARS – ME TWENTY.
HE SHARED ALL OF THE GRIEF BOOK TITLES HE READ – THE GROUPS THAT HE WENT TO – AND THE EVENTS WITH THE WOMEN HE DATED FROM THE GROUPS.
HE HAS TWO HOMES [ ONE NORTH AND ONE SOUTH ] AFTER TWO AND A HALF YEARS I NOTED THAT I NEVER RECEIVED ANYTHING OF A PERSONNAL NATURE – ONLY ITEMS TO HELP THE SEX LIFE WHICH HE FELT I WAS NOT THRILLED ENOUGH TO PARTICIPATE AS OFTEN AS HE WANTED – NO JEWELRY NOTHING REALLY TANGIBLE.
I LEFT THE RELATIONSHIP LAST WEEK WHEN I REALIZED THAT THE PICTURES OF THE FIRST WIFE HAD NOT BEEN DISTURBED BUT HE ADDED ADDITIONAL ONES. ONLY A
2 1/2″ PHOTO OF OUR FIRST DATE REMAINS IN HIS HOME. I FELT I WAS HIS SEXUAL SUBSTITUTE UNTIL HE RE-MET WITH HIS WIFE IN HEAVEN.
I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST – STILL GO FOR CHECK UPS – AFTER MY HUSBAND DID WHAT YOUR WIFE DID – I THINK I GOT A BETTER HANDLE ON MY GRIEF.
THIS WEEK I SIGNED UP FOR A DATING SERVICE. I’LL TAKE MY CHANCES WITH DIVORCED MEN AND WIDOWERS WHO HAVE MOVED AWAY FROM THE GRAVE.
Ted,
Thanks for your words. The wedding rings came off. After I typed my last message, I knew I had to deal with that one. He said it was hard for him, and he talked a bit about the emotional process of taking them off. In the end he took them off for me and he expressed insight into how my feelings were impacted by the rings. He actually seems a bit more relaxed in general since they came off.
The widower I know sticks his wife in most conversations, saying my baby_____ bla bla bla. Geez this seems very passive agressive, like he is pitting any woman he meets up to his past ideal immortizied memories. Yea and sweet he is but I say this, I am only his enamored friend and while he is pleasing and flirtatous in a million years I would be too selfish to have the object of my desire sticking a decease female name in all our conversations. it likes me to necromancy (thats the wrong word). So I bailed and failed to tell him why cause like marijwana he likes his addictions. I can sense that he does not like women either, except the glorious dead one. It’s just sic….
I think the thing to realise is that people have to take their own time over this. The man I love lost his adored first wife 7 years ago. They had been together since he was 19, married for almost 25 years, and I have no doubt that if cancer hadn’t intervened they would still be happily married. So although he loves me (and shows it and says it) there will always be a part of him which grieves. After all, it will always be a tragedy that a lovely, young woman died, missing out on her children growing up and the plans they had made. We have been together a year and I noticed that as the anniversary of her death approached he became depressed and withdrawn. He also comes with a history as a result of ‘moving on’ far too fast. When he was practically demented in the first weeks after losing her, ‘friends’ fixed him up on dates with a much younger single mum, who suggested that they sleep together to see if he could make love to another woman. They did and although she had said she was on the pill, she got pregnant, because she thought this would ‘force him to commit to her’, as if being thrown into a whole new set of emotions would mask the first trauma. They married because of the baby but it was always miserable he now felt guilty on all counts, because he felt unfaithful to his first wife and couldnt love the second and hadn’t wanted a new family (he had told her this at the start.) If just prolonged the grieving process until he was practically suicidal, and because he wasnt ready to give up things like the picture of his wife on his desk at work, wife #2 was of course jealous, and forbade any mention of her. But it’s impossible to be with someone without forming memories which are part of you. I have always felt he loved me just for me (I am very different to her) so I have never been jealous of her, although I did become impatient on a few occasions at the start when he would refer back to ‘her’ at inappropriate times for me. I was also dealing with hassle from his (ex) 2nd wife, and really didn;t need to have to share magic moments with a plaster saint, into the bargain! (His dead wife truly seems to have been very sweet and nice, and made him happy, but it’s clear that she has achieved sainthood since death, and when you’re also taking flack from another woman simply because he had tried too soon to shelve his memories of his dead wife, it all begins to feel a bit icky.) What I did was create boundaries. I did NOT want to hear about intimate things about her/him. I did NOT want to be dancing with him and him mention that this was the song they first made love to. In fact, any area of life where I wouldn;t want a third person in the room, she had to stay outside. But I DO want to hear about what makes him tick, and laugh at some of his memories this is part of knowing him. We are building our own memories and making our own plans, and we are here and now. I told him I would listen to aspects of his past, but I wouldn’t live in it with him, and if he wanted to live there, he must do so alone. So he knew that if I was going to be in his life, he had to make me number one, while still honouring what a sweet person she had been, and respecting the love they shared for so long. I think this is basic kindness and respect for a man I love. He simply moved wife# 2 into the home they had shared, and there was still loads of wife#1′s stuff around, but we are planning to marry, and he wants to move into a new home with me, and give most of his dead wife’s memorabilia to his children. He wants a completely fresh start with me, and that, to me, is real love.
I feel I must add (to my already long ramble, above) that any relationship must be based on full commitment, giving of yourself 100% while you are there. In the case of my partner and his second wife, they never stood a chance, because they were both “in the wrong”. He was basically knowingly experimenting and using her to fill a gap which it was impossible to fill (in other words, living a lie, by being with a woman while in love with someone else.) She was disregarding the fact that he was grieving, and forced his hand. She went off sex very early in their marriage – and I can imagine how sick it must have made her feel, when he had spent an evening boohooing about his ‘perfect’ dead wife, then got into the bed he had shared with Mrs Perfect, and tried to jump her! And she was cruel and stupid to pounce on a man when he was vulnerable (he would not have dated her if he had not been, frankly) and then bring an innoccent life into this world, against his expressed wishes, as if that could replace decades of deep love, trust and companionship. In other words, their relationship was based, from the start, on arrogance and selfishness. I agree with you Abel, that people should not put up with behaviour from a widow(er) that they would not tolerate from a divorced partner. There is an added poignancy to the relationship having ended without any choice whatsoever, but at the end of the day, the widow(er) should learn, as we all have to, to give thanks for what has been…and devote ourselves to what is.
I recently started dating a widower.
he is 57 year old…his wife was a couple years older than him and died about three years or so ago.
he has pictures of her everywhere.
she had two children from a prior marriage who he raised as their dad was not at all around.
he considers them his kids too.
and is in touch with them.
he doesnt like hearing about my ex boyfriends, as they are still alive ..and maybe a threat in his mind?! lol
so its ok for him to talk about his wife..as she should be no threat to me as she is not alive?!
this is what i am guessing is his thinking.
but tonight we were talking about sex and i said something about me and her..and he snapped back at me..nasty and said.
we dont go there..we dont talk about that.
i was married to her for thirty years.
is that understood!:?
i was taken aback as i meant no disrepect or harm..
but damn…its like a minefield…
whats ok to talk about
whats not!
all i know is it seems that you always are second fiddle
…the subsititute ..with the ghost always hanging there
in the background..
not present..but most definitely there.
and i didnt like how he snapped at me..to protect her..
what does that say about how he views me.
ill always be on the lower rung of the ladder..
if they are divorced they are screwed up .
if they are widowers they are screwed up in a different way.
there is always that third person in the relationship.
the wife/ ex wife.
Heidi,
You shouldn’t feel like #2 all the time. If sounds like this widower isn’t ready to move on. If you can’t talk about the late wife and are always feeling like you’re in his shadow, it’s time to move on.
Abel
Hi I just stumbled onto your site because i was looking for some answers to some questions i had and while reading it, I found myself having more questions about the relatinship i am in now, i have been dating a widower for about two months now and i am recently divorce, I have two kids of my own and he also has two kids. I have met his Family and friends and his kids and he has also met mine. And he has already told me that he loves me very much and that he wants to marry me, His wife has been dead for almost 4 years now, And we were both blondes with wavy hair and we do have alot in common, But he has also offered to get rid of the things in the house that make me feel like i don’t belong there. I do love him very much and i also love his children, But i wanted to know Is it wrong of me to ask him to get rid of things, And is it wrong that when he talks about his late wife i feel kinda sad and even a little heart broken or even jealous.. I feel so wrong for it but i just thought you might be able to help me I don’t want to ruien my relationship with him by telling him such things but i also want to be open and honest with him do you have any advice for me? He seems to be ready to move on with our relationship and i am also but some how i feel bad for how i feel. He doesn’t talk about her very much. Andd i also don’t know if he is partialy attracted to me because i am a nursing mother just like his wife was when she got in her accedent.. Please let me know if you have any advice for me.. i am in a slump and i don’t want to hurt him but i don’t want to stay if it might turn out he just hopes i’m going to be just like her.. Paitently pondering
Elizabeth
While trying to back to myself after dating a window for four years, and reading your articles, I have come to a conclusion that you can’t win again a ghost and children who are devoted to their father’s memory. Addetd to the factors that i dated her forty years ago , she choose another man and had some emotional problems now.
As you memtioned, she didn’t want to take any pictures from the wall.
i think the odds were against me.
He tells me he loves me, he has told his and her family about me and taken me to meet them, in our small city we move in the same circles and everyone knows we’re a couple and accept it. Wife is dead 3.75 years after a year being sick, he has compared me a little but some things he liked she didnt and I do and vice versa so it comes out even. I am the same age she was when she died and before I changed my hair we had the same color, thickness and style. He was not happy when I changed mine. He wanted me to wear her clothes, but in his memory she was a lot thinnner that she really was so luckily I fit nothing except some shoes. He has told me he went off the deep end when she died- on incredible doses of several drugs and now almost 4 years later the dr is finally almost weaned him off them. Don’t ask me my opinion about a dr who triple doses someone for 4 years when studies show no efficacy in such doses or dosing for more than 6 months. He has dated a handful before me and only slept with the daughter’s godmother right after the death. However, the whole house is a shrine and although I finally got him to clear out her photos and clothes from the bedroom, he stll has a shrine of stuff and candles with her photo in there and the ashes in a box in the livingroom in a double box. He says he is willing to pack up and rid of everything and we’ll move into our own place and I can decorate how I want. Well he has been “packing” for months, but only his own clothes, not the rest of hers and not the thousands of own hand made crafts and tons of knick knacks from HSN. He talks the talk with no walking it. We will see how it works, he has 6 weeks until I am due back and he knows I expect to see more put away.
This is one of the worst I’ve read on this site. After dating my widower for 15 months, and yes there were red flags, I’ve
sold my house and have moved in with him. I just learned
from him, (somewhat inadvertently) that the ring he wore
all this time on his left hand was his wedding ring!!!!! He only in last couple of months has taken it off. There were so many issues I’d get on his case about due to how much of her stuff he still had, that I never in wildest dreams imagined he or anyone would behave to me as he has, (seemed genuinely in love, etc) and at same time be wearing his wedding ring.) The style of the ring isn’t strictly wedding, so I thought it was just a ring) This is beyond shocking. I don’t know how I can go on with him and at the same time have just spent upwards of $1,200 to move in with him. I can’t imagine what advice I can be given except I must be beyond crazy, don’t mean to sound flippant. I’m just floored. His LW was just short of 3 years past when we met and he’d had other relationships before ours.
LL
I just wrote the above from LL and mis-spelled Susan, but
wanted to add that as I will continue clearing out my house, my
computer will be disconnected and I may not reconnect, so hopefully I will hear from a few saner people than myself in
next 2 days. My fiancee and I do have a good relationship in so many ways that it’s hard to ditch the good, but wearing your wedding ring 3 3/4 years, hmmmmm, – want to add that we are @ 67 years of age and his house is for sale and we are actively looking for “our house”
LL
I started dating a widower 51/2 months ago. He has started to remove some of the many photos of his deceased wife but he continues to sleep in their room with her clothes in the closet and drawers, her purse still hangs on the dresser and large portraits of them all over the room. We use the guest room when we are together. There are memorials to her all over the house. I could almost tolerate that but the latest was when his 2 adult children living on their own requested that I not be there when they have their rare visits with him as seeing us being affectionate hurts them too much. I totally get the pain they must have but the problem is that my boyfriend is honoring their request. He has to be alone if they see him. The holidays are coming and we won’t be able to spend them together. As I write this, I see red flags and I should save myself.
[...] will jump into relationships that they normally wouldn’t get involved in. Keep your eyes open for red flags and other warning signs that he’s not ready to move [...]
Abel,
Thank you for your site. It’s been an excellent resource .
I’m 43 never married nor have children. In August of 2010 I met a 44 year old widower. His LW had passed away from breast cancer at the age of 40 in January of 2010. She was gone within a year and half of being diagnosed. She had two grown children from a previous relationship ages 23 and 25. The widower and his LW did not have children. The relationship us has been push/pull for 7 months. Each time I push him away in fear of getting hurt he pulls me back.
After being in several dead end and hurtful relationships I found the widower to be a breath of fresh air. We went on fun trips and nice dinners. He was loving and affectionate everything I yearned from my passed relationships. I was falling in love with him. However, everytime I expressed my fear that he was dating too soon he would get defensive.
Fast forward 7 months (March 27, 2011) he tells me he is still grieving and having a hard time getting on with his life. He still lives in same condo he shared with the LW and is suppose to move this month but having trouble doing so. He still has LW clothes and shoes in the closet. He doesn’t know where he fits in his “new life”. He said he doesn’t have a home. The home he shared with his LW is no longer a home and he is having trouble moving on. Needless to say I have decided to move on.
It hurts very much, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. He asked me to be compassionate but he doesn’t seem to care about my needs.
Abel, thanks for your blog I will reccomend it to anyone who is dating a widower. Your right if I were the right woman for him he would’ve moved on.
Danielle In San Francisco
I just recently started dating a widower, and I must say he has mentioned her fairly often, at least every other time I see him. He also refers to her as his wife, which is odd to hear in the present tense. Our first date was the day before her birthday, which coincidentally, is also my birthday…..and she would be exactly my age. A little eerie to me. I am trying to be understanding, but we are both on a social networking site and I did have to tell him that five years after her death, and seeing her pics up as his profile pic is a little weird for someone he is trying to date. He has seemed to respect that. I guess it’s just one of those things where time will tell, and actions speak louder than words. I think if her name continues to come up a lot or he continues to refer to her as “his wife” the relationship would have to end, for my own sanity.
Hi Kim,
I don’t want to rain on your parade but I would be VERY careful. I too met a widower on a social networking site only find out that he was just lonely even though he kept telling me he wasn’t. I think it’s a little odd that he has pictures of his LW on his profile.
Actions do speak louder than words. I say follow your instincts. I wish I had because now I’m dealing with a very broken heart and only memories.
Danielle
@Kim — I see a lot of red flags–esp. since his LW has been gone 5 years. As Danielle said, proceed with caution on this. From what you wrote, it doesn’t sound like he’s ready to make you #1.
@Danielle — Glad you found my blog helpful. You did the right thing by breaking it off. Sounds like he was lonely and not to the point where he could make room in his heart for you.
I must admit I got a laugh out of the have “compasion” remark. How selfish. You shouldn’t stay with someone out of compassoin but for love. Glad you had the courage and stregnth to end it.
I’ve been dating a widower for 7 months and we have been exclusive for 5 months. His wife will be gone 2 years this month. He had the first relationship not long after his wife passed away with a friend of the family. Unfortunately, she was hurt as he realized it wasn’t right. She had been a long time friend to the family. He went through grief counseling and seems fairly well adjusted. We are discussing our future and have plans to become engaged soon and ultimately married. He is a wonderful man and is letting me help him work with the decorator of the new home he has under construction where we will live. I live in another state now but was originally from his area having moved away about 7 years ago to be closer to my family. We went to school together in middle and high school and have seen each other over the years at class reunions.
They had a wonderful 26 year marriage, never had kids together but he has 2 kids from his first marriage and now 3 step kids from his LW. They are all grown and moved out. He also has several grandkids. We are both in our early 50′s and have really enjoyed each other these past few months. He is well off financially and so we’ve been able to keep the relationship moving along seeing each other nearly every weekend. He has taken me on nice trips and bought me jewelry. All in all a fairly tale romance unfolding.
He hasn’t removed any of her things yet from the house stating that it will be gone through and removed when the new house is complete so I’ve been hanging in there. But it is odd to see her robes hanging on the back door of the bathroom door and toiletries on the bathroom counter when I come to visit. I use a different bathroom in the huge home he resides in and it is LW free. However, I do sometimes use the bathroom in his bedroom in the middle of the night. He uses a different bathroom in the house and always has except for the middle of the night. Sleeping in their bed bothers me but I’m not sure where else we would sleep.
He has a shrine to her in his office at his business but all of the kids work there and I am sure he feels pressure to keep it up there. His LW’s office was right next to his in their business and is still exactly as it was left when she fell ill. His own kids are fine with us and have been great to me. However, his step sons and their extended families are the ones who seem threatened as if I will come in and take what is theirs which is the furthest from the truth. I am financially stable and own 2 homes in the state I reside in and plan on keeping them as I have one grown child who will inherit my possessions when I am gone.
The widower plans on sitting down with all of the kids after the 2nd anniversary of his LW passing later this month and letting them know we are getting engaged and what our plans are. He didn’t want to do this until he got passed her birthday which was last week and the 2nd anniversary of the death. He plans to tell them about the financial aspect and assure them the trust is still in place that he and his LW set up before her passing. The family is still very upset about losing LW and threw LW a birthday party last week complete with a birthday cake. They rented a room at a pizza place and had the entire family there and celebrated her life. She was a wonderful person but I think that is going a bit too far but I’m not sure what others think. My widower lit the birthday candles and of course the entire family posted pictures of this event and tagged him on FB with the photos. I have to admit it made me feel bad although I understand their loss. There is one 19 year old granddaughter who deleted me on FB because she didn’t like seeing pictures of “us” together and has made a huge deal out of us being together. My widower likes everyone to be happy and tries his best to make everyone happy. He has the best disposition and handles it all very well.
He told me he doesn’t do a big celebration for the anniversary of the death although last year he put a full page article in the local newspaper where she at one time worked in advertising. Should I find out if he plans on having this birthday celebration every year? Should I be worried about them carrying on that tradition if he plans on doing so?
The house will be finished sometime in June or July and that is when he wants me to move back there. (I was originally from there and still have many friends there) My company is going to transfer me there and everything seems to be falling into place.
It is very hard to get use to his huge family though….One of his step sons got married a couple of weeks ago and made sure I was invited so I flew out for the weekend. They had a dance in LW’s memory at the reception and it seemed as though I was the elephant in the room. Everywhere I looked people were staring at me so I got up and walked outside the country club. There was an alcove off the front entrance I ducked into and was trying to pass some time while the dance was going on. The next thing I knew all of the women came outside the front door and were all talking about LW and carrying on about how they all missed her, etc. Some of the things I heard were hurtful although not directed at me personally. Soon after my widower was texting me asking where I was at. I told him I would be back in soon that I needed to step outside. He came looking for me and brought me back inside where I finished the night having a great time and dancing. He went out of his way to tell me how proud he was of me.
It is very hard to be in the shadow of a prominent woman but I do know he is trying to make me #1 in his life. But the kids and grandkids are not going to make it easy on him. I am getting ready to uproot my entire life for this man (after the ring) and he tells me to trust him that everything will be fine, he is just handling this the way he is this month because of the birthday and anniversary and that after that it’s full steam ahead.
He has a vacation home in another state where he has removed her things since he took me there so I know he is trying. He hasn’t had a ton of time at home because he spends a large part of his time coming to see me.
I guess my main concerns are over the birthday celebration and what I should consider normal in this case. Do men who are planning to remarry hold birthday parties complete with cake and balloons to let go outside if they have moved on? Should I ask him if he plans on continuing this for “the families sake” after we are together? If he plans on running a full page ad every year in the paper should that concern me? I know it would bother me slightly but that could just be me thinking he is not making me first in his life when maybe I should be okay with it?
I’ve never dated a widower before and I know I have a very beautiful life ahead of me with him as long as I am okay with everything. It could be that he has no plans of doing this once we are together but it will help me to know if anyone besides me thinks it’s odd.
Thanks for your help!
I recently started to date a widow its been 1 1/2 since she pass,he is someone that i grew up with but havent seen in about 20yrs i moved away. we started to date, he was quick on putting me in front of his friends, public, his kids 2 under the age of 18
and his family at first. went to his house one day and her clothes r still in closet. nothing intaminte happened between us un less i was willing and prepared to commit to a relationship. He refers to her as his wife which i’m ok with can’t say he has spoken alot about her or the grieving, the way he acted with me i thought he was prepared to move on, until the anniversary date came its been a month since i seen him or heard his voice
part 2:just a couple of text say that he is feeling low andhe is sorry, but he does miss me. PLEASE ADVICE ANYONE!
I feels so good to know that I am not the only one going through this drama, I am also dating a widow, his wife passed away 8 months ago. we dated and were in love with each other in high school, we broke up and he married his late wife she passed away from Cancer 8 months ago, he has 3 kids 21,18,13. we started dating 10 days after her passing, and yes she was not the one he wanted to marry and they did not have a good marriage, but now she is on her way to saint hood, all of the memories are good memories yes we have had intimate relations ( we did back in high school) and we still having them now. the truth is I was fine with the pictures the shrine and the memories, I respected and understood, I have been trying to be there for him and the kids, they have bee through so much. but lately is been getting out of hand, the in laws have been coming around more often, as a result I have to hide, he tells me I don’t have to but I do not want him to have any more problems, his family adores me because they know that we were meant to be together and they know how unhappy he was in his marriage, every one is happy for us they said we should be on Oprah, his kids adore me, the 18 year old not so much, but lately since the in laws have been dropping by more often ( I think they suspect something) it seems like the memories are re surfacing. the shrine is getting bigger and I notice that their is flowers and a candle on the shrine is now on 24/7, I don’t know if its just for the in laws to see. He did not want to celebrate Valentines day because she use to have a big celebration, I understood cause it had only been 5 months since her passing, the 18 year old did not want a graduation party this past may because his Mom would not be there ” It won’t be the same” but when the in laws helped with the party it was a great idea. Now he does not want to celebrate fathers day because she use to make a big deal about it. I stoped talking to him on tuesday he has not call me, I love him but I don’t know what to do, I’m so glad I found this web site I was looking a the warning signs and it does not look good for me, should I wait for time to past? but then again I was reading about the lady that lost 5 years of her life. HELP WHAT SHOULD I DO
AVL, I feel your pain I know what your feeling. this site showed me that I am not the only one going through this ordeal, please update to see how it went with the anniversary and B date. News paper post?