Widower Wednesday: Remembering the Late Wife during the Holidays
December 1st, 2010 | 16 comments
Last week I received seven emails from women who were all worried about the same holiday issue: how to deal with the widower doing something to commemorate the late wife during the holidays.
One lady wrote to me concerned that the Thanksgiving dinner she was attending would include a toast to the late wife. Another woman was worried about her widower wanting to scatter her ashes on a ski slope Christmas Eve. A third was worried about the widower who insists on visiting cemetery Christmas morning and how that might affect his attitude the rest of the day. You get the picture.
Holidays can be tough on anyone who’s lost a loved one. Generally, the first holiday season (and the first year for that matter) without the late wife is the hardest because the widower’s learning how to adjust to life without his wife. Once someone’s made it through their holiday without the late wife, the holidays become the second, third, and fourth time around.
My suggestion on how to handle these situations depends on 1) how long ago the late wife died and 2) how the widower acts during these events. For example, I didn’t have a problem with the Thanksgiving toast because this was the family’s first holiday season without her. Instead of focusing on the toast, I suggested she watch on how the widower treated her during the time before and after that moment. Did he seem focused on the late wife and the past or her and the present? Was he introducing her to friends and family or letting her fend for herself? Was he doing his best to make the day festive or did it feel like a wake? So long as the widower was doing his best to make the day special for her and treating her like number one, I didn’t see a problem with the toast.
I was a little more concerned with the widower who wanted to scatter the ashes onChristmas Eve. First he brought up the scattering the ashes after the two of them had already booked their trip. Second the wife had been dead two years and I found it odd that he was choosing their trip to do it. Sure, it might have been his way to saying good-bye and move on, but doing it during a trip that was supposed to create new holiday memories with another woman seemed like awfully bad timing. My suggestion was to talk to him and see what the reason was for doing it during their trip and there was a better time to do it that wouldn’t distract from the fun trip they were to enjoy together.
I was really worried about the widower who wanted to visit the cemetery on Christmas morning. The day held no significance in their relationship aside from the normal holiday stuff. They weren’t married on that day, she didn’t die on that day, nor did any special event in their marriage happen on that day. It’s just something he had done every Christmas (and every other major holiday) since his wife died five years ago. The woman said that after he visits the cemetery he’s comes home quiet and moody – not exactly the best way to usher in the spirit of Christmas. Where the wife’s been dead five years and he won’t go the day before or after Christmas to visit the cemetery, it appears like he’s still grieving and not ready to move on. I suggested that unless the widower was willing to forgo or delay the cemetery visit, it would probably be best if she spent the holidays elsewhere. In the meantime she might want to think about whether the widower is ready to start a new life with her.
Holidays without a spouse can be tough, but remember that once a widower has made the choice to enter a committed relationship with you, your relationship—not his grief—should come first. While there’s nothing wrong with remembering the past, living in the present, counting our blessings, and creating new memories with a new love is a much happier and productive way to spend the holidays.
Entry Filed under: holidays,Widower Wednesday
I think you gave great answers to the scenarios. As with everything surrounding grief and healing, it all depends on the situations and timing. I am five years out and when I visited with a widow going through her first holiday season, all the feelings of those “firsts” came rushing back. People are lucky to have you as a resource for difficult questions.
Excellent advice. My heart goes out to those who have to deal with this.
This post is just what I needed today. Thank you so much for taking the time to write them.
Scattering a late wife’s ashes on a special holiday trip with a new significant other is really troubling to me. One is an ending and the other is celebrating a new life and mixing them feels wrong. My fiance’s late wife asked him to scatter her ashes in six places. He had completed four but still had two. He understood completely when I asked him to honor his promise before our wedding in January and took an extra day driving from Detroit to Maryland (he works in both places) and honored her request. It felt right to both of us and honored both relationships. Thank you for these posts. They have been very helpful.
Good advice.
One thing about ashes for my own personal experience.
My husband’s late wife had a few specific requests for their scattering and he even embarked on a 3 month trip to places that were special to them both to scatter her remains, but the one spot that meant the most was not visited before we were married b/c his grown daughters needed to go with him and it’s hard to get schedules of three adults with jobs to match up for a lengthy trip.
When the trip was finally set, we’d been married for two years. The ashes were in our basement (in fact, some still remain) and he asked me to come along. I told him that the girls would probably be more comfortable making the trip with just him (they are wonderful girls but I have a small daughter who would have had to come along and they would have felt obligated to take her feelings into account – they are protective of her – and wouldn’t have been able to grieve as they needed with us along). When I explained my reasoning, he understood but pointed out that he needed me there. He was going to be supporting the girls but who would be supporting him?
He had a good point and one I think has been missed. Sometimes people hold off on scattering remains for logistical reasons and b/c it’s emotionally taxing, and they haven’t got support. Kids, even if they are grown, are not the greatest at being sensitive to what their remaining parents needs and, frankly, can’t be that kind of emotional anchor. A new partner isn’t a useless extra body at this scatterings. They are support. At least that is the way I see, but I am widowed too and that might explain it.
If the xmas eve scattering feels like an affront, definitely speak up, but she might be surprised to find that he was simply looking for support and hadn’t realized how she might view it. Being there for our partners is part of the deal.
Thank you for sharing your information. I am going to add this to our blog about Grieving through the holidays if you don’t mind
http://www.homebuddyblog.blogspot.com Thanks – Jessica
Great advice!!!! Thank you so much for your help and your thoughts!!!!
This is tough stuff.
@Annie — Yes, being there for our partners is part of a relationship with a widow(er) but, at the same time, widow(er)s needs to have some tact and sense of timing for events like this.
@Home Buddy — I send you an email wiht some questions.
@Everyone — I have an update on the Xmas Eve/scattering ashes event. I’ll post it as part of the WW post next week.
Tact and timing aren’t really anyone’s strong suits or go-to places when trying to incorporate past and moving on. It’s a learning thing and there will be missteps – just like any non-widowed people relationship. As long as people speak up and talk about things as they happen, it should be okay. After all, it’s not like most of us ever had a deceased spouse before and have that handy experience to fall back on, and I didn’t get a playbook after either, so it was make it up as I went along. Kinda why it’s important to share insight when you’ve got it.
I’m a woman who is not technically a widow. My fiance hung himself on my birthday before we were married. I am dating and living with a widiwer and his 16 year old son. When I fisrt moved in I was not so concerned about the pictures, the memorial garden in the yard with statues, flowers ( they ask me to plant and I did even though I felt uncomfortable I tried to do it for the son) and there are 100′s of turtles (she loved them) allover the house. In the beginning (since I don’t have kids) we all got up together. We fixed breakfast together, ate, prepared his son’s lunch and prepared dinner together. All of the housework has become my responsibility. We have never been on a date. He tells me he loves me more than anything and shows it it some ways. I can tell he is still very angry over losing his wife. He calls me names sometimes and while I know this is not appropriate I have let it slide because of fear of more anger. Recently he was diagnosed with cirrohsis. He doesn;t drink or do drugs. Apparently his diet was a contributing factor. I know I’m all over the place with my thoughts and facts here and that’s part of the situation. I am finding it increasingly difficult to cheerfully make his child’s meals (no one eats together anyway.they both eat in their rooms in front of a tv! Every time I try tosuggest healthier ways it becomes a battle of control. I am told I am a controlling “*#%&(), and he’s sick of it. Her voice (5yrs after her passing) is still on his phone. I have no pics of my ex. No clothes, no memporials in our yard although he has said it would be ok. I think it was to shut me up. Some days this seems hopeless. I’m very concerned for our emotional well being as well as physical and mental health. Do these sound common as far as situations you may encounter when dating a widoer? I know they say they love me and show it sometimes but I am the slave of the household and I’m also taking chemo right now and could use some help. I pay him right now. That’s another issue…money. I pay for more than 1/2 the bills for 3 and I pay him to work on my home that I am going to rent. Well, perhaps I could reconsider.
Sounds like the relationship is all about him and not about you. For your own mental and physical health, I’d get out of there ASAP.
Hi Abel, this is my first time reading your blog, so I was unaware of your story. This is so sad. I am so sorry to hear about all of this.
I cannot even imagine the suffering of being a widowed person. My own spouse is my whole life.
@Maria Thanks. The good news is that life goes on and it’s possible to find love again.
BTW: You’ve got a great blog too.
I had a conversation with the man i have been in a relationship with. She’s been gone 3 years (after 28 years of a very happy marriage) he speaks of her every time we are together. He spent thanksgiving with her parents. I so understood that. But he is very much reliving their life thru me. He brought her ashes on our first date which was a hike in botancial gardens, as she would have loved the place. I had never experienced this, and felt ummm well ok? but hmmmm what about me? then felt bad for having that feeling bad feeling.
For our own Intimacy, I was getting so uncomfy, there was a Picture of him and her in the bedroom. and a shrine to her in the office (which was fine to have to me!! ) he lives alone, he needs to have those memories, but the pic in the room I was sharing with him? I could not handle the way it felt. How do I describe it, I was still sleeping in their bedroom. Then I found out she died in that bed. Months after we had started sharing the room. I felt honored that he shared things with me, and then would feel sad, and bad that I was feeling bad.
I finally got the courage to speak to him and ask him if he thought he was ready to move forward, and if so, I would not be able to stay anymore in the bedroom with picture, if he could move it to the other room any room but the one we were sharing…. as much as I am not trying to replace his late wife I was not going to hurt my heart (i was really feeling like shutting down and wanting to end things, but wanted a chance to see if he was ready) he changed the subject.
The next day, about 6 pm he text me, he said, Trish, I know this is going to hurt you, your a great woman, and deserve a good life, but I cannot see you anymore. Please throw away my key or mail it back to me. This will only get worse and harder and won’t work for me.
So it seems he can’t discuss his late wife (his wife) and me bringing my needs up despite the love he felt for me. Well, it’s for the best.
I am relieved that it ended and that I was able to tell him what I needed, even though I still feel horrible about it, like man did I hurt him… I called her “late wife” he has never said that, I am sad for him, but know that he was not ready.
He hates the idea of therapy, and was forever crying to me bad crying, then I would cry, about some of the things he has never spoken. that part was sad, but I handled the part which seems odd that hurt me, was how much he longed for her, and took me to their favorite places, I felt so insignificant. Even though we were together, and there was not physical “threat ” of her, the emotions were so deep, I am so sensitive I just really feel horrible, even though relieved, I am left wondering am I am bad person for asking that pic to be moved to another room or I would no longer sleep with him in his room? And asking was he ready to open his heart to me? I should have just said it’s not working out for me, and not said the things that obviously hurt him. Oh well… It was a totally new experience for me!
My husband died 17 years ago. I was 40, he was 50. At the time he died his relationship with his family was strained to say the least. However they attended his funeral and were of course grieving.
Because it was his wish I had him cremated. I couldn’t “let him go” just after his death, but I knew he’d want his ashes scattered. So at the one year anniversary of his death I “compromised” thanks to a “sign” I received (THAT story is too long to tell) and scattered his ashes that evening in a side memorial garden I had planted in his memory. I did it alone. It felt like a private event to me.
17 years later I’m told by my stepdaughter (my husband’s daughter) that my husband’s sister is angry with me for spreading his ashes alone. Neither remembers being informed. Frankly I don’t remember whether I informed his family of my plans or not. I have been essentially cut out of the family since my husband’s death and have seen his sister maybe twice since he died. To hear this brought up 17 years later by someone who I see as having abandoned both her brother emotionally and certainly myself completely is hurtful. My husband’s daughter and I have managed to create a very close relationship in spite of the other family drama. I am worried about this issue coming up an hurting us.
The big question I guess I have is – if I didn’t tell anyone what I was going to do, did I do something wrong? I think it didn’t occur to me that it was anyone else’s business at the time. And I can now see how thoughtless that was and also know I was going through hell at the time – grieving my husband and dealing with a then-diagnosed very serious medical problem with my son.
Opinions would be very welcome!!!
You didn’t do anything wrong. What’s wrong is people still holding a grudge 17 years later. If you have a close, open relationship with your husband’s daughter, it shouldn’t wreck things.