Pictures of the Dead Wife
April 3rd, 2009 | 167 comments
A lively discussion has broken out in the comments section of my “5 Signs a Widower is Serious About Your Relationship” post about photos of the late wife being in the house. Since this is a question I have to answer rather often via email, here’s my take on the issue.
For Widowers
The woman you’re dating should feel comfortable in your home. Period. It’s hard to fathom trying to spend time with someone only to have reminders everywhere that he there was another special person in your life that you loved enough to marry. Women already feel like they’re competing with a ghost without constant reminders of the late wife everywhere. Photos just reinforce that and make the woman worry about whether you can love her even more.
Once you become serious enough with a person that she’s coming over to your home on a somewhat regular, take down the photos and put them in a box. Just because there’s no photos of the late wife in your home doesn’t mean that you’ve stopped loving her. You can take them out of the box and look at them when she’s not around if you want. If you’re serious about starting a new chapter in your life, please show this new woman the same respect you showed your late wife. Keeping photos up makes her feel like some piece of meat that’s there to fill the hole in your heart or to take the place of the late wife. Try and treat this new woman the same way you’d like to be treated.
Also, don’t put the burden of taking the photo down on the woman you’re dating. Don’t tell her that you’ll take it down if she’s uncomfortable. The woman you’re dating doesn’t need to be dragged into this issue. Be a man and take it down yourself.
The only exception I make to the photo rule is if you have minor children living at home. Odds are your kids are having a hard enough time with you dating. The last thing they need is for you to strip every memory of their mom from their home. But maybe instead of 10 pictures of her in the living room, try 2 or 3 and let the kids hang the rest up in their room.
For Women Dating Widowers
Don’t run screaming out of his house the first time you go there and see a photo of the late wife on his wall. If he a new widower and/or you’re one of the first women he’s seriously dated, he may not think twice about the photograph bothering you. For him it may simply be the way his house has been for years.
What you want to look for is progress. After visiting his house several times are their sings that the photos slowly coming down? Does he go out of his way to make you feel comfortable in his home? Is he treating you with the love and respect you deserve or is he taking you for granted and insensitive to your feelings?
Please keep in mind that the house is not yours. If you go in and make demands about how things should change, the widower’s going to view you as a controlling hag and get out of the relationship as soon as he can. IMHO you can’t make requests about changing the house for her look to yours until you have a ring on your finger.
Also, will you please stop sleeping with widowers who still has photos of the dead wife in the bedroom? Do you enjoy feeling like a mistress? Because that’s how the widower’s treating you. Please have a modicum of respect for yourself and tell the widower you’re not getting in bed as long as there are photos of the dead wife looking down at you.
Finally, if you don’t see signs that the widower is moving on or willing to make you comfortable in his home, grow a backbone and end the relationship. There are other men out there who will be glad to treat you like a queen. Don’t settle for someone that wants you to be number two. And when you end it, don’t forget to tell the widower know why you’re ending it. If he loves you he’ll make the necessary changes in regards to the late wife’s photos.
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Entry Filed under: dating a widower,grief,human behaivor,widow,widower,widower relationship issues
@John Like you I’ve slipped up several times and referred to MG by the late wife’s first name. MG has been hurt on those occasions but she doesn’t “shut down” the way your wife does.
Personally, I think she’s overeacting. Yes, it’s painful even when it’s unintentional but if it only happens on occasion, she has to find a way to deal with it.
My best guess is that she feels like #2. It may not have been anything you’ve done but there’s proably some lingering (natural) jealously. Have you tried talking to her to see if there’s any other issues?
Abel
I married a widower 3 years after I was widowed. We started our relationship talking about our former marriages and their deaths. I had young kids so he moved into my house when we married. We decided to put pictures of both families up on the walls. Together–all mixed up. We also waited until all of the children were ready. In 12 years we became a family. He died quickly this summer and I remain close with our kids and grandkids. I don’t know about the future but I don’t want to live the rest of my life alone. We had an awesome marriage and family.
@jnorthlee54 So glad the two of you were able to work things out. Hope you can find someone who can make you happy for the rest of your life.
I am married with a widower… At first, there’s no problem about his past… I accepted his 3 kids on his past marriage and they accpeted me too as their new mom… we have been married for 11 months… we met a year after his late wife died….
from the start, he never hide anything from me about his past.. Hence, no problem existed…
But, this chaged since last month,… I saw thier pictures together of his late wife in the cabinet inside our basement room… It hurts to see those… Honestly, it was my first time to see them together….
It hurts… I only saw the picture of his late wife during my first time to visit their home, but on my second visit, it was no longer hang in the wall… They put it off… I felt glad of course… but seeing their pics together still kept in one of our rooms, makes me feel bad… I guess, he is still living with the past.. according to him, its for his kids not for him.. But i dont buy his reason…. I started hating him…..
I want those pics out of our house… I cant understand why he has to keep those…. I’m his new wife… In fairness with him, he makes me feel loved always… He prove to me that he loves me… He even married me twice.. both church wedding….
I’m pregnant now with our first baby,….
I dont know how to feel…
I think that you are being unreasonable. The man had respect for you and removed the pictures. Afterall, his wife was there before you met him. She had children for him. They had kids together. Why would you want everything about her to vanish. Have more feelings for them. Stop being so jealous and spiteful. Cut out the jealously. What more do you want? He has treated you well. Don’t you think that the children misses their mother sometimes. Afterall, it was there mother. What so wrong with a picture in the cabinet in the basement. She is just a memory. Let the people take their time to mourn their lost. You are sounding like a very controlling and jealous person. Be grateful that he loves you.
I just recently met my widower through Craigslist after making a post about looking for someone new. When we first started to get to know each other via Instant message correspondence there was no mention of his late wife, until I posted a quote:
“The mark of a mature man is a certain scar he bears: the memory of a perfect woman never won, or of a once true love forever lost. However much he may love you he is here because she is not.”
He said it touched him in a big way that I posted it because of his late wife. She was killed in a hit and run about 1 year and 2 months ago.
Well, now he’s with me. This is our 2nd weekend (he lives a little farther from me) in a row together, and we have already been intimate (I just found this and read about that, now I’m worried!). When we are together everything is truly perfect, he’s a good man and I enjoy the time we spend together. That day was the first and last time that we had a conversation about his late wife though. I don’t really know how to bring it up, I feel like it’s something he needs to bring up but at the same time I’m curious about if I’m the first girl since the loss and a few other things. Then the first time I go over to his house, not only are there pictures of his late wife on his fridge, the front coffee table, and in his room, but her clothes and other belongings are still there. It’s as if she never left, and after spending a few days with him I don’t really know how I feel about it. I’m trying to be strong because I really care about him, but I don’t really know how to handle the situation as I’ve never been with a widower before. I am the kind of woman who falls hard and fast when a good man comes around. What’s the best thing for me to do in this situation? And how long do I wait before I decide to give up?
Gwenivere,
I know I’m not a good adviser, but based on my experience, I can give you sort of advice…
Before me and my husband get married, I had also the chance to be brought to his home… That was two weeks being officially together… There, I met his 3 kids…. the first thing which caught my attention was the picture hang on their living room of his late wife…
Honestly, I felt jealous, but I tend to ignore him…. but the moment he told me to go to his home again, I told him firmly that I wont, not unless he will have the nerve to put off the picture of his late wife… I told him, I cant be comfortable to go there if its there….
Thanks God, the 2nd time I went there, I can no longer see the picture…. But the moment, I got curious with his stuffs inside his room, I saw the clothes and belongings of his late wife… It hurts to see those as if the late wife is still living… Again, I told him that I will not go there again, unless he disposed all those stuffs… Hence, he donated all of them to charity..
With those, I can notice, that he is willing to move on and start a new life with me… As an advice, I suggest, try to be open to him about how you feel…. with his action, you’ll be alble to assess if he is willing to move on..
Perhaps I am reading into this a bit to much, but as a widower and a man who is actively looking for a new love, any woman who entered my house and demanded I box up every picture of my late wife would be shown the door and never hear from me again.
My house is not a shrine to my first wife, very far from it in fact. All her clothes were given to charity and I remolded everything the way I wanted it including donating much of the furniture to charity also and buying furniture I liked. There are a few pictures around but most are us and the kids; only one of them is just the two of us. I am willing to move on and willing to make new memories but I am not willing to act like she never existed just to make someone else happy or to create new memories. Any woman who is that insecure needs to go find someone other than me to spend a short time time with before getting divorced! Anyone that infantile has a whole host of problems that are better left alone. That is like a man dating a woman and getting enraged when he realizes she is not a virgin! 20 years happily married and two kids is a very long time with a lot of memories. It is pure infantile jealousy to demand no historical pictures in the house. Would you also demand that spouse and kids cannot talk about their mother in your house?
On the same token, if your dating a widower who has left everything as his wife left it, has all her clothes still hanging in the closet as if she is apt to return at any moment and demands that you not touch a thing, I would definitely tell you to run for the hills and break off the relationship immediately. That type of widower is using you solely for companionship and or sex and has no intentions of moving on and you will always be second fiddle.
I see no problem with pictures of the former wife, as long as they are tasteful, not everywhere, and as long as new pictures are also put up to chronicle memories and favorite times/vacations etc.
Do to my religious beliefs, I have a small shrine to my ex-wife in my house. I also still have a few favorite pictures of us and the kids and a painting my wife made that will never come down. The fact that my ex-wife painted it really is second to the fact that I really love that painting. I packed up and gave away all her clothes, a very long time ago and the house now is pretty much my own. If I meet the right woman, she and I will make choices how to integrate our lives together but as I said from the start, any woman that told me, “Take down every picture that has your wife in it and never mention her in our house or our life again would feel a blunt force in her but as she was moving out of the door!”
The only other thing I would add, if you as the person dating a widower like me who was very happily married find yourself asking the question “If his wife hadn’t died, would he be with me?” then you probably need to exit yourself from the relationship because you are not ready. The short is NO, if my wife were still alive I would still be happily married to her!
landon….are you equally as accepting of your womans past loves? meaning, would you want a woman that put up pics of her latest love (you know, the one she loved before you) and kept his tokens, clothing, aftershave, remnants of the past with him….in her heart and all over the home you and her share?? how about her ex’s relatives and friends, coming over and sharing, in your presense, how HE was perfect and the “love of her life” and you arent ever going to measure up?? i think not….how about placing HIS pictures in the bedroom you share with her, along with his favorite coverlet, sheets, memories(of the nights spent, cause you KNOW that happens) that come along with ….so you really wouldnt know if she was making love to you, or you were simply a “bedwarmer” for her, would you….if you are ready to bring someone into your life, by all means , keep a few pictures…and you will ALWAYS keep her in a corner of your heart, we all expect that…but dont expect a comfortable “threesome” to be accepted by any woman…its just not healthy for either , IMHO…frankly, some widowers/widows will never be ready to move on..and in that case, hopefully they wont drag an unsuspecting mate into the personal hell/shrines they have built for themselves…
I agree with you one hundred percent. Woman have to be more intelligent about this issue. If you can’t handle the situation, don’t get involved. Look for a single man.
Hi Abel:
I am so lucky to have found this site.
I met a widower two months ago on a dating site. The one year anniversary was at the end of April and he was the caretaker for three years.
He swore he was ready to move on with his life. The first month was fun and we clicked. Then I went to his house.
OMG, the place is a shrine to her. There is a picture on every wall in every room in the house. The ashes are in the bedroom (didn’t set foot in there just peeked in) along with the votive candle in front of them. Actually all the photos that are on table tops have candles.
He hit the wall on the anniversary. Now he is talking about feeling guilty when he is with me and that was my last huge red flag. I summoned my backbone, and ended it all in order to move on with my life.
Able, I can’t thank you enough for this blog. I am lucky to be getting out before I spend any more time or emotion on him. Pity, for what could have been. He is a nice guy but has a train full of baggage.
wish I would have found this site two years ago !
we married two years ago and he moved into my home that I shared with my children, he brought his LW ashes with him telling me he will placed them where that need to go but after two years they are still sitting in OUR bedroom. I feel so used and not loved when he also write and calls me his LW name on cards.
I was happy alone and when we got together I thought it was God sent. was I wrong. he has no love for me I am just a bed warmer and lover. wish I could turn back time and go back to being alone. life was easier being a single mom
@Landon — I agree with most of what you said. I don’t think that a woman should demand that a widower remove the photos–I think that’s something the widower should do on his own.
How many photos of the LW remain is something between the W and the new woman. So you know most women who have this issues would be okay with family photos or photos of the LW up for the kid. The vast majority aren’t asking for the W to remove all traces of their former life. The problem comes when a relationship becomes serious and there are no pictures of her in the home while there are plenty of the LW all over the place. It’s a matter of feeling like #1 instead of competing with a ghost.
amen to that one, Abel…i kept all my husbands late wifes photos, didnt toss any(and believe me, there were TONS of em) but rather i put them gently in a box in the storage room…he has no children from that marriage, but it lasted 17 years, and i respect that…only i do NOT want to feel married to him AND her…i am his wife now…simple as that…if he cannot “let go” and “move on” then i have no business being wife #2…and he has no business asking me to fit myself into that slot…i have demanded now, 3 yrs into the marriage, that she exit the home…i was patient, i think, in allowing her to live here (which by the way, was “their” home) until now, since her knickknacks and memorabilia were in every room and her clothes (no kidding ) were stored in a pole barn (garage like bldg) without my knowledge…so if a man is unable to “put away” his late wife, he is unable to sustain a successful relationship and is NOT ready …
@Rosemary Glad you found the site helpful. You did the right thing. Kudos for getting out before things got worse.
I have just found your site and I am overjoyed to have found it. I guess I didn’t realize that there were so many people dealing with what I am. My boyfriends wife committed suicide just over a year ago. He has two children 19 and 21 who still live at home. They have finally moved out of the house where she killed herself. I never went into that room, their room which is also where she did it. We love each other very much. He is 100% a gentleman and meets all of the 5 signs he is ready to commit. He says he wants to marry me and have more kids with me. I want this very much.
Then the issue now is that he is nearly 20 years older than I am and he would be starting basically a second life. He says he is ready. But from time to time he retreats within himself. I see him slip away and it scares me. It is when he does this that he says he should let me go because I deserve to grow old with someone and someone who doesn’t have his baggage. I understand that. But then he comes out of his cave and says it may be selfish but he doesn’t want to let me go.
Since the last time that happened a month ago he has changed so much. He has been in therapy now for 2 months and is really excited about the future. I just get so scared that he will retreat again and I will be brokenhearted.
On top of that is the issue with his kids. They don’t do anything. I really, really like them as people and we get along great. But they don’t work or go to school or leave the house really. He is working on that with them but only at my suggestion.
I am scared to stick with it and then be heartbroken. But the thought of not being with him is sickening.
Any thoughts or advice?
p.s. he always writes me letters telling me how much he loves me and how special I am, that I am the love of his life. Just so you know.
Hello,
I’m married to a widower, and even though it’s tough sometimes, I’ve vowed to just be myself and not push my way into anyone’s life, re: his adult children. I’m blessed in the sense that my husband, then boyfriend, made it clear we were a couple and that needed to be respected. To me, it’s all about love, not who’s blood related. I always felt that his kids would let me in when they felt ready to, and they have. I’m not a replacement of their mother, but a new friend and someone who makes their dad really happy…and visa versa. The only concern I do have is that my husband’s daughter, who is 28, often mentions her mum when she’s with her dad and I. I have let it go because I’ve lost a parent as well, and know what it feels like to grieve, however, it does hurt me at time, if I’m going to be honest, because I don’t like picturing my husband with anyone other than me. They were married for 31 years, but not once has my husband ever made me feel second best…ever. He was happily married, but she had a stroke and after a few years, died from the complications. I think it’s because he had such a great marital experience that he was able to remarry. We are also expecting a child in two months. So, I guess what I’m asking is this, do I continue to let his daughter speak about her mum in front of us all the time, or should there be some boundaries put in place? If so, how do I/we/he do this?
Mark, you are a man among men. I forwarded your letter to myh former boyfriend, a widower of less than a year when I first met him. I tortally sympahatized with his plight (I am a widow myself) but his reluctance to let go at all and move on and to even truly love, instead of attesting he only felt “fond” of me, has caused me much heartache. Bravo for those widowers who realize the living deserved respect also!
When my husband and I got married 18 years ago, the pictures and the decorating – it all seemed so important. I moved into the home he shared with his late wife, and it was decorated by her so I wanted to make it my own.
Looking back now, I don’t know why it was such as big deal. If I knew how much grief it was going to cause, I wouldn’t have.
His daughters hold all of that against me so much – I took down all the family pictures. I got rid of their mom’s this or that. They use it as proof that I’m truly evil.
I wish I had just put all of that in the formal living room that I never go into so it never became an issue.
Well this should be my last post. Thanks to all who post so I could see more clearly. I really, really would have liked some advice though. I let the daughter escalate her behavior throwing out my property, rifling through my clothing, and I kept telling him that she needed to get a job and move out and stop being so disrespectful. I let him handle it since it was his 25 year old not mine. Well she was also stealing $ off his credit card when he gave it to her to pay for her tuition each semester. She would run it up on clothing and makeup etc. He finally decied to stop giving her the card, but she had already written the numbers down and there went another $1000. She also changed the billing address to her shcool address. After 6 weeks at a 4 yr college she quit and snuck home to her fiances house. She never told the school and had not paid rent after the 1st month. She ended up owing 2 months. After a few weeks she got kicked out and had to come home. He managed to get her to move to a firend’s house and he was secretly paying for her to stay there. She still didn’t get a job, she didn’t pay the school, she was taken to court and she did not go, there was a bench warrent out and the friend sent her home. Meanwhile each time she acted up her dad got sick. His weight went up, blood pressure and the dr wanted to start increasing the PTSD meds he was already taking way too much of and that stressed him out even more. She would sit and wait until he came home often after 9pm to he could cook her dinner. She refused to eat the salads he was eating so he would cook all the fatty foods she wanted and eat them himself. In January he was seeing a shrink, but it wasn’t helping, he has hiding much of hte stress. I was out of state working only able to come home on weekends. I contacted his deacon and we set up a time to come in finally. Well the weekend before he tried to take us away to destress, but it didn’t work out. He ended up crying on a friend’s doorstep. Neither of them told me. 4 days later he was dead of a heart attack. His daughter went around telling everyone what a “B” I was, how her dad was a slut, how her dad must miss her, she went to hit a friend of ours at the wake when she said she was a friend of mine luckily the friend ran out the door, she called the cops and asked that I be barred from the church and she told the family members that he and I had broken up. I am EXTREMELY leery of dating another man with an adult child and if the child is still in the house- you will not see me dating that man. It has been 5+ months and I still cry every day and wonder if I should have stood up and told her where to get off and told him how much his acceptance was hurting me. The deacon told me he did what he did for his daughter out of guilt and not love. It this point it does not matter.
Dear Abel,
I am so happy to see this website. I hope i will get some advice! I am engaged to a widower who has two children. We already live together. I take care of the children and am basically the mother figure. As the time is getting closer to our wedding date i am wondering about some things i would have hoped to change. There is a huge picture of LW in dining room on a table with a few other memorable things on it. The kids use it as a shrine and place flowers or things on there when its her birthday. The kids also have the eulogy read at the funeral framed in their rooms. He also has a tattoo of her on his arm that is a picture along wit words. I feel like I am surrounded by it everywhere i go and for some reason as we get closer to the wedding its eating at me more becuase maybe i am hoping the picture in dining room will at least be put in kids room or somewhere else. I just feel like more and more people are coming into our house (this is a new house from where he lived with LW) and I feel like I am becoming more uncomfortable with the big picture in the dining room. I am okay with a few family pictures in the kids room and the eulogy (well i think its kind of weird being thats something you would put away and take out for the kids when they got older to show them what was said.) I feel like i should have said this along time before and now were getting married so soon. Any advice?
Abel, I forgot to mention she passed away 5 years ago and we got engaged 2 years ago.
I have been dating a widower for a little bit over a year. His wife died 7 years ago. He has a 12 yr old son that lives with him. He makes me feel great and like I am a priority in his life. I am the first serious relationship after his wife died. However, his bedroom has at least 7 pictures of his wife. This is the only issue. He doe snot hide me from his friends or relatives. The only problem are those pictures. I am not sure how to address it. He did take down the one he had on his nightstand. But I don’t think that’s enough. I am not sure how to address this.
I’ve been dating a widower for nearly 2 years now. He lives in the same home he shared with his wife of 23 years who passed away 7 years ago. There are constant reminders of their life together everywhere, including many, many photos.
This had been bothering me and from searching on Google, I found this blog and was relieved this is that I am not alone feeling this way I finally had the courage to speak up and explain how uncomfortable photos and other mementos of his late wife made me. He agreed to remove them and we went out shopping for home decorating items since his home has not been updated much since the late 90s.
Last Saturday, his youngest son returned home college and saw the changes made to the home. He accused me of trying to “get my claws” into his father and trying to “erase all traces of his mother” from the house.
Instead of standing up for me, my widower said the request to remove all of the photos was insensitive to his family and late wife’s memory. Today, I saw that he has created a so-called “memorial wall” in the front hallway that contains family photos and other mementos of his late wife and other family members who have passed away including his father, grandparents and brother (who was died last year in a car accident) and a plaque that his late wife received for cancer research fundraising.
He doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do about the photos and memorials to his late wife and told me I need to accept that he wants to be surrounded by mementos of people who are important to him as a way to pay tribute to them. He says that me insisting on removing the photos and plaque makes his family view me in a very negative light.
I can’t offer any other reason for him to take down the photos other than how uncomfortable they make me. I can’t explain how seeing photos of his wife makes me feel nor do I like having these feelings of jealousy.
I don’t have issues with the memorial to his father (it has his navy service metals) or photos of his grandparents or other relatives. I only want to photos of his late wife removed.
I’m afraid that his son is right about me. I would like to erase all of the traces of his mother from the house so that I am not reminded that the widower loved someone else- maybe more than he loves me.
Am I being insecure? Should photos bother me this badly? I’m struggling with how I can deal with these emotions.
OMG, it is MY story, but i am still dating my W….
(Soon 4 years of a sterile relationship)
I have no guts to leave him….
I have visited this site very often but this is my first time posting. As a widower, I have found this site to be very informing and educational as well as stupid and regressive at times. Specifically I would like to talk about photo’s of the late spouse. To do that however, I need to tell my story.
My late wife and I were married for 17 years and together exclusively for 19. We got married when we were 19 and so I was a pretty early widower. My two girls were were in their teens when she died and she died very suddenly and without any warning signs from a massive aneurysm.
Within a year of my wife’s death, I was offered a promotion which also required moving across country. My wife and I had lived close to her Parents, while my parents lived in Texas. As much as I loved my In-Laws, it was painfully obvious to me they would never move past her death and I saw this promotion as God opening a window when he closes a door. I immediately accepted without any consultation to friends and family and we moved to our new home. I also found this move to be a chance for a new start. Together with my girls, we collected all of my late wife’s belongings and we went through them one by one. If I, or the girls, wanted to keep something, the person who wanted it kept it. (Two special items, her wedding ring and her 10th anniversary ring I put in the safe to give to the girls much later on) All of the other things went to charity or good will. During this time my girls also decided they wanted new bedroom furniture. At first I was reluctant but I soon decided this was a perfect step. While we did keep several items of furniture, we pretty much gave our entire household away save pictures and again special family items.
So we moved to our new house very light so to speak. It took a few weeks for the movers to get what we had moved across country but as soon as we arrived in the new house we started shopping and bought entire new Living, Bedroom, Kitchen and Dining room furniture. I had kept several of my wife’s things, but by no means was my house a shrine to my late wife. Upon moving in I was not interested in dating and so we hung most of the same pictures on the walls along with new ones etc.
Within days of starting my new job, I met my new love. However at the time, as many post in this thread state, I was not ready to date and although I immediately recognized she was an amazing and very attractive woman with a great personality, I did not ask her out. We became regular, maybe somewhat better than regular, work friends and that is where our relationship stayed for quite a while. By the time I was ready to start dating, the my new love was was dating someone else. In many ways it seemed like the classic Murphy’s Law. Almost to the day I was ready to ask her out, she started dating another guy.
As fate would have it I dated several other women. Most wouldn’t last beyond a date or two but a couple did get into the moderate serious area. Only one got into the really serious area where we were having sex and I had invited her into my home and into my kids lives. At first everything seemed to be going great. The first time Miss G came over to my house, I still had all our pictures up. At first she was inquisitive about each picture (When and where was this taken) and very positive about them. She commented several times that the late wife was very pretty and she could tell we were happy together. This was enough to make me realize I had done a stupid thing by not taking them down prior to her coming into my house. The next time she came over I had taken down every picture of me and my wife, but I left up the family pictures and one painting my wife had done very early in her career that, besides launching her painting career, had very special meaning to me and my daughters. The next time Miss G came over, she immediately noticed I had removed all the photo’s and momento’s of just me and my wife and while she told me I didn’t need to do that she was also thankful that I had.
As we started to get more serious though, Miss G became more demanding. She wanted all the family photos down. She wanted the painting down. At one point she declared that she would not enter my house again until I got rid of “All my late wife’s furniture” and we bought new things together. I told her I had bought all new furniture upon moving here and while I was willing to negotiate on the furniture “We” kept or bought that I refused to throw everything out. The final straw came when she told my daughters not to talk about their mom in front of her while I was not around one day. I broke of our relationship and still to this day believe it was the best thing that ever happened.
A few months after our break up, I found out that my new love and her boyfriend had also broken up. A few weeks later I approached my new love and told her I knew she might not be ready to date after breaking up but whenever she was ready that I would like to take her to lunch one day. She responded to my offer later that morning saying that as it turned out she was free for lunch that day and we started a whirlwind romance. We had always been good friends from the moment we met and actually if you remember to the start of this story, I was immediately attracted to her but was unready at the time. What I did not know was that she was immediately attracted to me at that same time. As fate would have it, she had tried to chase me as she tells it and it was quickly obvious to her that I was not ready or interested at that time either and so we remained just really good work friends.
Now for the main part of my story on photo’s of the late spouse. The first time my new love came over to my house and met my kids, she was also interested in looking at our pictures. I had never put the photo’s of just me and my late wife back up but our family photo’s were still displayed prominently along with the one painting. Long story short, my new love never demanded that family photo’s come down and today we have our new family photo’s prominently displayed along with the old family photo’s with my late wife. We were in our 40′s/late 30′s when my new love and I married. Having our own kids together was not an option physically or personally for me since I’d had a vasectomy in my early 20′s. My new love is now my wife and Nina to our grandkids and while the grandkids know there was also a “Nina K” they are still to young to understand it all at this point.
What I would hope anyone who dates/loves a widower or widow will understand; while it is quite understandable and necessary for the widower/widow to move on and for the new love not to live within a shrine to the late spouse, the new love has no right to demand that the widower/widow live their life as if the late spouse never existed. If you are a new love and cannot deal with that, you need to move on and find someone else who has never loved anyone else before..
For those of us with kids or siblings this is a very easy concept. Just because parents have more than one kid does not mean they love the 2nd or 3rd kids any less. The 2nd and 3rd kids definitely have a different life experience than the first born does but that does not equate to the parents loving the first born child more than second or third.
Thank you so much for your post. You have a wonderful way of expressing a feeling I was trying so hard to understand.
amen to that one! i agree wholeheartedly….i have been married to a widower for almost 3 yrs now…it has been a total eye opening experience for me…the first 2 yrs, honeymoon years, where anything but….very unsettling, miserable years…he wasnt ready, IMHO…and he also had her things and pictures everywhere in the home, “their home”…made me feel like i was married to someone elses husband, and dropped into someone elses life…i was dead serious in wanting to end this, and was planning to, til he turned a 380 deg turn and “let go” and broke the last thread with his past…we still have “widower issues” but nothing like it was…not everyone is cut out to be married to a widower, i agree, but no one will be able to survivie being a wife of a former widower if the widower cant move on…i got to where i told him, that i too had a few “lost loves” from men i love in my past…and did he want me to resurrect them on the walls and in my heart? then the age old “widower card” argument arose, “but shes DEAD”, and your guy friends are alive….to which i replied, yes, maybe, but if late wife is still alive in your heart, then i have NO business here..and he started changing…being a widowers wife is no picnic, and not for the faint of heart…if he cant let her pictures and knickknacks (wall hangings, etc..) go, what makes you think he has let her go in his heart and able to enter you as his new “love of his life”…highly unlikely…and the damage all that does is immeasurable and permanent, in most cases….thanks for voicing what i believe to be truth about life with a widower…God bless you!
jaret….i really like your story….especially about your “new love”…but i disagree on your “wall of photos”…and i must ask, does your wife also have a wall of former loves displayed as well? if so, to each their own…if not, thats unfair…to expect her to accept your former loves, but not hers?? i am sure she had a few, everyone does…anyhow, its refreshing to see a widower that tossed most of “their” furniture, starting anew, especially for his new wife/new life…unfortunately, most widowers dont, and its a struggle for those that actually consider a life with those men…because , frankly, they are still “married” to their late wife, IMHO…those that move forward, like you have, are refreshing to read about…may God bless you and your new life with your wife
Hello everyone, at the beginning sorry for any misspelled words etc…My English is not perfect. ( my partner is British but I’m from eastern europe)
I have my own story to tell and I would like to share with you. Please feel free to comment as I need any advice possible…
We have started dating 4 years ago… just after 6 months of my partner’s wife death.
They have been together for 17 years and she died from cancer. He started the flirts and all that stuff so I assumed he was ready and I have never questioned that. I Have brought to the relationship my 1 year old son.. (now he is 5), they couldn’t have kids so I believed it will do good for my partner.
At the beginning it was great, all the love, flowers, cards he even proposed to me… but I broke up the proposal after 2 years due to the arguments and fights we had (which in his words he never had with his wife) All of his family were against us and were telling him that is to soon for a new relationship.. we didn’t listen as we were in love.
I’m (26) 13 years younger than him and I have totally different character from his wife (yes, he still calls her ‘my wife) Of that what I have heard she was a living angel… quiet and shy etc. I can be stubborn and possessive at times.. and like to have things done my way, but I’m nice and helpful.
After one month of us living together I slightly introduced the idea of her clothes, photos to be removed. He did it in his own time. What may be interested here that after she died he put the stone to her after one year after her death… he had money to do it before but I think maybe he wasn’t ready,.. but then what the hell I was doing in his house.. He wanted it. For a year or so he wasn’t able to go to visit her grave, he didn’t put any flowers, nothing…. which was weird and I tried to speak with him about it but he didn’t wanted. After a year of her death we went together to arrange the stone, I felt like I helped him and supported him. I thought that that is over and he is definitely over the grieving. Then the time flew… we went to visit his mother few times, she still had the pictures of him and her together, and from a weeding day. It did hurt me and then I have stopped going over to her, she knew the reason but haven’t done anything about it.
Now we are together for 4 years, and for the past 3 years he is sending flowers to her grave (we live in another country now so its impossible for him to go there… he wouldn’t even do that anyway… that would cause him pain I think). I’m reading through his emails sometimes to see if he is sending anything… I know I shouldn’t do that for my own sake but can’t help it. He is sending her flowers and cards for
1.valentine’s day 2. birthday 3. weeding anniversary 4. death anniversary.
Last year he send her flowers with a card saying ‘to my beloved wife, the more time has passed the more I miss you, I wish you were still here with me, your husband with all my love forever’, when I have read that I burst into tears, it hurts so much, I couldn’t shake up from it for a while and its coming back every February, march, may, September. I know him and I know that everything he is writing that is important he thinks about it for two days up front so there are not just empty words. This year in May is her fifth anniversary of death and he sent her flowers arranged by some company and he said in the email that he struggled with wording that one…
with all my love, to my only love, love of my life etc…
All his family and friends are sending messages saying that they know how hard it is for him now…. but what about me and my child? He sent her flowers in February (valentine’s day), march (her birthday) April (no occasion) and May (death anniversary) and I have recently seen another arrangements for the rest of the months this year. So every month he will be sending her flowers…
We had an anniversary on January and he forgotten about it, for valentine’s day no flowers, no card, mother’s day nothing…. Am I right to say he cares about her dead wife more than for me? She doesn’t feel, hear or see.. I do, I’m alive and I have feelings. I said before that they couldn’t have kids… so they had dogs… and one dog is still with us.. And sometimes I feel like he cares more about that dog then ‘our’ child.
I’m honestly starting to feel that is over between us… I can’t stand the relationship when I’m being a second choice. I love him very much.
I’ve been reading this blog for a while now and decided to write today as today I have asked him how many times per year he is sending the flowers.. (we all know it’s not about the flowers.. it’s it what they mean to him) and he said it is not my business and that I look only from my perspective and not his which is he sending flowers to his wife… that is what he said.
I know most of you will think that we shouldn’t happen at the first place and we should have waited… but when you are in love you don’t think about it that way. I think I was patient but I’m starting to feel unwanted… or being used as a bed heater. I don’t think anyone should have experienced that awful feeling.. so why should I?
I have dreams about her… that she is coming back and he is going to her .. Wherever I see or hear her name I’m staring to feel anger and upset. Is that obsession?
please don’t tell me thing like I’m competing with dead person.. I’m not- I’m competing over his feelings! I wouldn’t even wish to be like her… it’s just not me. He thinks I’m full of heatred… but I wouldn’t see him wearing my shoes. I’m not a heater, I act in deffense… I’m defending my feelings.. I dont want to be hurt.
Please any advice.. any comments I would really appreciate them.
I don’t know what to think and what to do… I’m moving to another bedroom as I can’t stand being beside him knowing he loves her ‘with all his hart’
I have been dating widower for over 9 months. I am going to tell him to take off the wedding photos from the wall in bedroom where we make love. Once he asked me whether I felt comfortable about that. I just wanted to be polite and said that is ok. I have told him before that I felt as if it was not my home because of these pictures. No, I feel angry about that and ready to set the boundary. In case where pictures are not taken down I am leaving the house and visiting him casually as a guest.
widowers will always love the first wife more. the first wife was taken from her. he settled for the second wife. if he had it his way, he would have the first wife back.
Happy To Tell you that its not always the case,my husband died 2 weeks ago,and had been married before,his first wife passed away,and I met him 4years later,from the beginning he told me I was the only woman he had ever loved,and had not really loved his first wife even though they had children,he proved this throughout our marriage,we always talked about her round the kids,and kept her memory alive,he was obessed,and besotted with me as I him.so not always the case.
widowers can be selfish. they had their turn to love and be loved back wholeheartedly. sadly it ended abruptly. the new woman in his life, deserves that too. but that cant happen with him because he is in love with another woman and always will be. first wife has first place in his heart. he gets to be loved and the experience the affection of a woman again, a companian and resume a normal sex life. and when he dies, he will no doubt choose to be buried alongside his first wife and then be reunited with her in heaven. but where does that leave the second wife???
i could NEVVERRR marry a widower. i would just feel like every time we made love he would wish it was with her/ he would be thinking of her. and i would never know for sure if he was telling the truth. i could not live a lie. how do i know he is not telling me he loves me as much as his first wife to make me feel better? how do i know he loves me?? i dont even know that a man is able to love 2 women at the same time. he can only devote his love and heart to 1 woman.
My heart goes out to anyone involved with a widower. that woman really is a strong woman indeed and a very special woman, that deserves to be loved more than any other woman is loved by the man she loves. dont let a widower use you.
you always hear of widowers loving their first wives more but you never hear of them loving the second wives more. go figure
I have been with my fiance for 7 months now. His ex wife passed away almost 2 years ago. I just moved in with him and his brother and his sister in law 2 months ago just until we get our own house. I woke up 2 morning’s ago in pain thinking I might have been pregnant and might have miscarried. As we had breakfast his sister in law proceeded to talk to him in Spanish about his ex wife. I found it inappropriate due to the fact that she knows I am white and don’t speak or understand the Spanish language that well. So I politely excused myself and went to my room to sit for a few minutes before heading outside to have a cigarette with my fiance.after the smoke he left for work and I went back to my room to lay down for a few hours. When I awoke I went to have a cigarette by myself and what do I see but a memorial picture of the deceased ex wife hanging on the wall right by the front door. From what I understand it has not been put up there at all before. Needless to say I found it to be rude and inappropriate. I feel like his sister in law has slapped me in the face. Am I over acting or crazy to feel this way?
I spoke to him about it later and he said there is no disrespect. Meant by it. But I still see it hanging.
Hello,
I’m a young widower who has recently started dating again. I think it’s very important to leave the past in the past, and focus your sights on the future. Birthdays and anniversaries are going to be hard, and your new love should respect and try to understand that. But the days moving forward rightfully belong to her (your new love). A widower must understand what she is experiencing. Nobody says “hey I’d like to find a man with a lot of baggage”. You don’t need to rub it in with a bunch of photos all over the house. Get rid of the bed, donate the clothes, and sell the house. It’s time to give your new love the respect she deserves.
The first time I had my new lady over to my place, I hid the urn, put away all of the photos, donated the clothing… this I did out of RESPECT! Both respect for my wife and new girlfriend. It’s very important to recognize the difference between people, memories & material possessions. Once you recognize this difference make sure you never get them mixed up, otherwise your road to recovery will be a long and lonely one. Material things may trigger memories, but they are not memories or the person you miss. Do yourself a favor and shed these things. Photographs and memories are all you have left, but there is no reason to display them. Keep them in a photo album or put them in a memory box. They will still be there for you when you need them.
I lost so much when I lost my wife. I lost my lover, my best friend, my councilor, my home, and our future. You could take every worldly possession of mine, and it would still pale in comparison to the loss I’ve already experienced. I’ll always have the memories, and nobody can take that away. Don’t lose site of your future happiness, consider yourself lucky and put away the past.
… And to those of you who are in love with widowers, thank you for your kindness and understanding. It’s a tough job, and just know that your are appreciated unconditionally. It’s a tough transition for us to make, having your help and understanding makes life worth living.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Mark. You’re doing the right thing.
Mark,
I hope you are happy. You diserve to be loved. I have been dating a windower for almost 2 years. I love him so much, but I am ready to let it go. It is hard but I feel like it is a right decision. He tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But recently, I asked about the plastic flower arrangment in his bedroom and he was honest. He keeps the flowers from his wife grave in his bedroom. I just thought they were simply a sign of bad taste. I did not say anything. But, I started to put things togehter. His wife voice is on the answering machine ( she passed away over 3 years ago), His big house is full of pictures, they are 40 pictures in his bedroom. I love him but how can I accept all of these and believe that he loves me. I think that he likes just being close to women’s body. I am crying now because I know deep in my heart that I have to let him go and just a while ago I thought that he is a man of my life. How strange. I never thought about reading about dating a widower. I thought they present the same challenges as we all do. How wrong I was. I feel like am dating a man from space. And he is a nice one. I told him about my feelings, and I told him that it hurts me. No reaction. I am visiting him soon. I think that he deserves to be told that I let him go in person. I think he can be conforted by his 100′s of pictures. I abviously, I am angry and feel like a fool. I could I make get myself to this? I need some wise adive. I feel like I am getting crazy here.
I have known a widower for 7 months. Two of them good months..talking and seeing each other daily. But he also has ptsd from Viet Nam and struggles with grief and anger over losing his wife and the harm from Viet Nam. Also he has problems with guilt. Not taking care of wife & war. He has virtually cut me out of his life. Wants to rid himself of baggage. At one time he asked me to wait until he got well. I am not dating anyone..just came out of a 35 yr marriage with sex/love addict. I know I have to heal. But I allowed myself to love this man. He is a christian with same values as me. Now that he has cut off all contact…do I just wait for him to contact me? I have been dien away from my ex for a year.
Wow! I’m glad I have not been attracted to such ill-hearted ladies (or they to me). I am left with the memory and praise for a truly exceptional most kind and loving woman who has changed my life profoundly and forever. And Ithank God that I will never be the same as before. I am a vastly different and better man because of her. Because of her there is a reseviour of loving and good to bring to any relationship I may have. Some time ago I put both my my wife’s and my wedding ring on adjacent fingers thinking to honor the marriage and let others know, if they cared. But an elederly lady friend and confidant told me that that wouldn’t work as I had thought. She said that that would make interested women feel more secure towards me. And, if I am to ever be married again that’s the kind of deep loving peson I I would want to pair with.
I do understand what you are saying. I just broke it off with a widow due to some of his actions. He has two kids and his wife has only been dead for 11 months. What bothered me the most, was when I would go to stay at his house her bra and other things were still all around the room and also her pictures. His children are teenagers which I do get along with and have no problem with them, it’s him still acting like his wife is still here and refusing to remove things out of their bed room like her hanging bra and clothes hanging in the closet so I said nope can’t do this as I told him it bothers me and they still remain so I ended the relationship which I am pleased about as I will not be living this other woman’s life. He even gave me a pair of her shoes to walk around in their house which I refuse to wear. I do understand where you are coming from as it’s not fair for him to still act this way after marrying you. It seems like he has not moved on. Take care and god bless.
the widower I’m dating is a very special man who has only been widowed for about 7 months. He says he loves me and wants to remarry but not so sure he’s ready, as he thinks he is. Her picture is on his phone, her ashes sit on a cabinet in the living room with her picture of 40 yrs ago. Her house is a shrine everywhere you look. He cries at her favorite songs, their favorite movies, her birthday, their anniversary. He says, it is nothing against me and that he will love her eternally. He said he loves me as deeply, but this is the problem…I might be his priority now, and the one he comes to and wants to be with, but I am feeling that I’m “better than not having anyone”, especially her, so I am second best. There is no pictures of me in his house, in his wallet, nothing anywhere. She is in his wallet, on his phone, all over the house including most of her clothing, her toiletrees, decorative collections, all of it her things, her house.
I liked his LW. She was an old and dear friend. I don’t mind reminissing about her now and then, but It is simply hurtful to know that what we have is never going to be as filling for him, and I am tired of always being the second best, just OK, better than no one kind of girl. I want to feel that I am special in my own way. Not to take anything away from her, but do I have to always feel like she is the reason for everything in his life. She has a hand in “us”, she would want it this way or the other and if she would give him a sign she isn’t OK with it, what does he do.? When he sees a bird in the window, it’s got to be her, when he sits by himself he is lonely and misses her. He dreams of her or thiinks of her first thing in the morning, last thing at night….I hear myself saying this, and yet, I’m still with him. Maybe he feels that since I knew her, he is always allowd to be married to two of us at one time. But at his home where she is “everywhere” as if she were still living there, it is very uncomfortable for me. He wants to marry and live there in his house. Not so sure that will work for me. We are both 60 years old. He’s such a great guy, but I think it’s way too soon.
I am dating a man( basically living with) who was divorced 7 years ago. He married the love of his life at 22 became a father at 23, wanted to divorce at 26 due to incompatibility before wife was diagnosed with cancer and couldn’t divorce her. A couple of years of treatment later he tried to divorce again, she was diagnosed again. Years of separate lives, anguish, guilt because the then young daughter did not want them to divorce wreaked havoc on his mental state of being.. After third bout of cancer and after him seriously becoming mentally imbalanced from the entire very sad drama..13 years later, he had an affair that basically forced his wife to file for divorce( she loved him very much and said she would never divorce him but the affair was very out in the open- pr?de) They were married for 13 years but the majority of the time was spent away from each other, and they were not husband and wife for most of the marriage. He is very devout, a superb father his affair was in his mind, the only way she would let him go. After his divorce, through therapy he came to terms with everything, but he is a tortured soul. He worships his daughter, but after his divorce had a few relationships, two short very impulsive wrong engagements and after 6 years divorced our 20 yr old children kind of fixed us up and we have been blissfully in love for over a year. His ex wife died a year into our time together. His daughter is his obsession and I am nothing but sensitive supportive extremely caring and careful at this very critical time. My d?lemma is, the home which is now the daughters also ( she studies abroad- 5 months a year with dad) has become a shrine for the ex w?fe and he is acting as if his wife died and not his ex. 7 years, two engagements later and he is like a widower.I am in major pain. He is ridden with gu?lt,he is obsessive about his daughter who has been through quite an ordeal since she was 4 with a very sick mother, but he has totally lost all regard for any feeling I might have. He is impulsive, asked me to move in after 6 months but I am very rational and logical.Out of my respect for his daughter, I dont stay over because she is in a time of morning grieving and adjustment ( living with dad now ) but his bedroom, living room and now the room we basically live in the den also has their photos, wedding photos too.. everywhere. The mother while living with the daughter did not have their photos ( wedding, dating, threesome photos framed. Am I wrong to think this is not healthy? I am ok with photos of her… photos of her with her daughter, but the marriage ended and ended ugly. He barely spoke with her post divorce. And now the family photos, wedding photos are everywhere. I walk in the house and ? want to cry. He is so frantic for his daughter’s well being, I think he is being irrational. It has been three months, but her premature death was expected…I love him very much and I understand the importance of his daughter is his life, she is important to me also. But I am dying a slow death inside by being treated with such ?rrelevence.. Am I being selfish?
As a widower my self I can only shed light, not give advice. Your husband isn’t doing anything wrong. I’m sure he’s not the one bringing up his late wife on the holidays. He’s just a nice guy that goes along with the conversation. It hurts him just as much as it does you. And the picture in the wallet, that’s just loyalty he has for the woman he loved. It would be weird if he didn’t have it. It tells me he knows what love is. And if he married you, he loves you. You are holding that man together and you make him feel like god sent you just for him. As much as you love him, I can garuntee he loves you.
I’m engaged to a widower and am finding myself having second thoughts. He has two small children. The first time I went to his house pictures of his wife were everywhere. The second time, more were added…in the bedroom. As time went on I became more and more upset about the pictures. I never said anything. Finally I got the courage up to say something. He said once he moved to a new house only the pictures in his daughters rooms would remain. I did get him to take down one of the pictures of her that was in the bedroom next to the bed. Never once did he put a picture of me up. I had pictures of us and his kids plastered all over my house. Now we have moved to a new place. All the pictures have found their way into his daughters rooms. He keeps telling me different things about the amount of pictures that will be up in there and which ones. I understand his daughters should have pictures of their mother up, and I’m ok with that, but it’s hard for me. I think two picture should be sufficient. Plus in unpacking I’m finding a bunch of her stuff and it upsets me that he didn’t think to go through it. He doesn’t know what it’s like to have this saint and her stuff thrown in my face all the time.
Hi abel,
Ive been with a widower for 6 months now.everything is going well.and things are getting serious with ourcrelationship.
Only….
I was actually having this uncomfortable feeling the first time he brought me to his house i saw bunch of pictures of his late-wife hanging on the wall in his room…they were wedding pictures…and he is sharing his room with his 4 yr old son.
We actually once discussed about the pictures hanged on the wall..but what he told me the pictures will only be taken down when he decides to get marry. I dont know how to let him know that i am a bit hurt and uncomfortable.especially whenever we get intimate at times. Another is about their wedding band worn as a necklace is also a bit uncomfortable whenever we go out…am i being so sensitive with the whole thing?