How to Talk to a Widower
March 5th, 2007 | 13 comments
Note: Though I wrote this, the real author of this piece is Marathon Girl. Most of the insight in this essay comes from her.
When you’re in a relationship with a widower, some widower-related issues are bound to arise. For example, the widower might seem like he’s having a hard time moving on. Maybe he spends an inordinate amount of time thinking or talking about the late wife. Perhaps you’ve become quite serious yet his home still looks like a shrine to the deceased. Knowing how to approach and talk to him about certain subjects can be difficult. Below are some suggestions to be able to effectively talk with the widower about problems that may be hindering your relationship.
Pick the Right Time
Finding the right time to talk to the widower is critical. Don’t do it when he’s upset or otherwise in a bad mood. Wait until he’s in a good frame of mind. This will help him be more receptive to what you have to say.
Marathon Girl is very good at knowing when to talk to me about anything that needs to be addressed in our relationship. If I’ve had a stressful day at work, she knows its best not to talk about it until I’ve had a chance to unwind. She knows I’ll listen better and be more receptive to dealing with the problem if I’ve had an hour or two to play with the kids or write. She also knows that if I’m in an extremely good mood (say the Detroit Tigers just won the World Series) that it’s probably best not bring up a serious subject until I’ve had time to celebrate.
The key here is patience. Most issues don’t have to be addressed immediately. Just wait for the right moment to bring it up. If he’s in an agreeable mood, the widower will be more likely to listen to what you have to say — an important first step to resolving the problem.
When Talking About the Late Wife, Don’t Act Jealous
Sometimes widowers say and/or do things that make you jealous. Maybe he tells a story about a trip they took or a fond memory of her. Maybe he keeps a lot of photos in the house of her despite professing his love to you. Whatever he’s doing, it’s driving you crazy because you feel like you’re competing with a ghost.
When you talk with him about this it’s very important that you do not come across as jealous even if that’s the only emotion you have at the time. You can’t expect the widower to stop loving his first wife. (You should, however,expect him to treat you like the number one woman but that’s another essay.)
You need to tactfully let him know that you want a strong, loving relationship with him but it’s hard to when he keeps talking about or doing things that show his love for the late wife. Let him know that you’re not resentful of the love he has for her but that you need to know he feels the same way about you. Nine times out of ten the widower is unaware how his actions are affecting you. Not coming across as jealous will make it more likely that he’ll listen and change his behavior.
Know What Problems You Need to Solve on Your Own
There are going to be some widower-related issues you need to deal with on your own. This doesn’t mean you can’t tell the widower about them but if you do, you need to let him know that he can’t help solve them.
After Marathon Girl and I became serious enough that we were discussing the possibility of marriage, she let me know it was sometimes hard for her to think about marrying me because a lot of the things that would be firsts for her (marriage, honeymoon, buying a house, having kids, etc.) were going to be seconds for me. Even though she told me about her feelings, she also let me know that this was something I couldn’t solve for her. She told me it was an issue she had to work through on her own and would let me know from time to time how she was dealing with it.
I really appreciated her doing this. Not only did it let me know what was going through her mind but it set an example for me. If Marathon Girl was willing to put the time and effort into working on problems, I should be willing to work on mine as well.
Solve One Issue at a Time
If there are multiple issues you need to discuss with the widower, pick the most important one and work on that first before bringing up the others. No matter how much a guy loves you, he hates being dumped on. Men are much better at being receptive to what you say when we only have to deal with one problem at a time. When you start going off on multiple issues, we start blocking out a lot of what you’re saying or start thinking of you as a nag.
Back when we were dating, there were times when Marathon Girl had several issues she wanted to discuss but wisely picked one at a time. When she felt the time was right brought up another one and we worked on that. She knew that telling me all the issues at once would make me defensive and make it less likely that they could be resolved.
Effectively communicating and working on the unique issues that arise with a widower can make or break the relationship. Knowing a little widower friendly psychology can be a good first step in having not only having open lines of communication one but a successful, loving relationship.
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Entry Filed under: grief,widow,widower,widower relationship issues
How ironic, I found this over the weekend on your other listing. I read much of it to my fiance over the phone last night-it’s one of those hazards of living in different area codes-and we both got a lot out of it.
Once again, a big thank you to you and Marathon Girl for sharing with us!!!
I notice that you NEVER refer to Marathon Girl as “my wife” or anything other than Marathon Girl and then she and her. Is this by agreement between you two–or do you not consider her your wife? I notice you always refer to your previous spouse as “my first wife”. What did she do to earn that “prize”? I have been married to a widower for 33+ years, and his referring to the woman he was married to for 12 year–before she passed–as “my wife” and me by my first name is getting pretty depressing.
Diane,
Three things:
1) Most of the refrences to Marathon Girl in this essay were from when we were dating — not after we were married.
2) I refer to the deceased wife as “the late wife” not “my first wife.” I have no problem refering to MG as my wife. Read my book and blog. It’s all over the place.
3) I’m sorry to hear you put up with such behavior from your widower for over three decades. That IS depressing!
Abe
I am grateful I found your website, the writings certainly have given me the insight I need to talk to the widower I recently became involved with.
Rewind to 3 years ago when he and his wife were visiting here ( he/they live in London, me PA/USA) No attraction, but social gathering events. Back home after a 50th wedding Anniversary, his wife walked into the bathroom and dropped dead. Shock waves were felt over the 3,000 mile pond and he said he would never return to the states.
6 weeks ago, a local friend of mine needed some storage space and I offered a garage. The pick up pulled in to drop off and they told me John was here. I stopped my gardening, wiped the sweat and soil off me and gave John a hug. The next 8 days I was offered up as John’s taxi while he was in town. Our car conversations were of my choice of singlemom to raise my teen daughter after a bad break up 5 years ago and his moving on after his loss.
He doesn’t want to have regrets of living in the past and I wasn’t even looking. Well, one thing led to another, I kissed and hugged him farewell, he flew back home and has been calling me everyday since his return. John has been all over Great Britain bragging about me, having his friends talk to me on the phone, told his Mom ( she asked if he is leaving her for me). Insists I send photos of me over. His son told him, just go back and go get her.
In 6 weeks he will be back here for 3 weeks. John seems to be a bit put off that I don’t want to play house with him for those 3 weeks. I told him I would take him hostage away from all our mutual friends for 2 days when I pick him up at the airport, then he is shipped off to his regular stay over house of his sis and bro in law. It’s not that I don’t want to see him, and I want to , after a work day. I am protecting myself and him from what I anticipate as a hard farewell when he returns for the winter and I don’t want to alter my schedule drastically creating a fantasy.
All indications are that is he ready, bragging about me, returning so soon for my birthday, wanting photos of me, calling me his sunshine. But, there are a few things I know can not continue if we are going to go for this. Just little jokes that I don’t get, then he says well, Bett and I did that. I kndly reminded him I am not Bett, nor will I ever be. ( it’s bad enough we have the same first given names).
I told him I respect his previous marriage and could not imagine the grief he must have felt. They grew up together, 50 years and her passing was certainly easier for her than him. One minute she was happy, then Heaven, he was left standing there all alone. He has slowed down on the references to his previous life. after I said that.
I know we are going to get intimate when he returns and he has told me I am the first person he even allowed to be even hugged. Women have been chasing after him, he told me I wouldn’t let them in, but your different.
I didn’t think of a gost in the bedroom, but after he told me I am the first since her I hope we can get thru that without too many cuts and scrapes.
He said he wants open communication, I have to tell him my feelings..just not sure how to go about the intimate times.
That’s why I said I would take him hostage, I called my best friends to visit them for a few days in Amish Land. Away from the familiar surroundings he has here.
I have the same issue with my boyfriend referring to his late wife as “My Wife”. That really bothers me. I feel like that makes her present and if thats the case what does that make me. I feel like the mistress. Also, he will not discuss our relationship with her family of his. He says its because he doesn’t want any grief from them and that it is none of their business. I live with him and they all know that but he won’t do anything that lets them know that I really matter to him. Also, there is no affection in front of his kids because they aren’t comfortable with it. He bought me a card that said how much he loved me and hid it so that his kids wouldn’t see it. I feel like I’m the other woman. Am I being wrong or selfish?
Isn’t *the* late wife/husband a little harsh? I do sometimes say “late husband” when I’m talking to someone who doesn’t know I’m a widow, but he’s *my* late husband, not a generic dead guy.
Vanessa,
It simply depends who I’m talking to and the context of the conversation. Don’t take “the late wife/husband” literally. Sometimes I say “my late wife” too.
Abel
Interesting site… some useful tips. Still think I need more help! I hope I can cope with dating a widower. I love him so much.
Sabrina,
If you need more help with widower issues, feel free to contact me via the contact form on my website or join the Dating a Widower group on Facebook. http://www.facebook.com/#/group.php?gid=57856999232
Abel
I have been in a long-distance relationship with a widower for 6 months. He has been widowed for 10 years and I have been widowed for 4 years. He has dated 7 or 8 women but says he hasn’t found his 2nd soulmate. I would like for the relationship to continue as I am very attracted to him but only get to see him about every 4-6 weeks because he doesn’t have the desire to see me more than this and then he only enjoys about 24 hrs. with me and wants to go back to his own home and life alone. He says he really enjoys our time when we are together but he doesn’t miss me when we are apart. We communicate well and there seems to be”chemistry” but then he withdraws when he is apart from me. I am very confused by his behavior. Could it be that he has been alone so long now that he has become accustomed to his routine and doesn’t really want to change it? He is 61 and was married for 30 years. I am 51 and was married for 18 years.
Liz,
So much of what you shared reminds me of my experience. We are currently long distance, his kids and I speak, and he calls me “his angel”, his late wife and I have almost the exact name.
My boyfriend and I have already been intimate. It was very tough at first. I see you wrote your post years ago. What ended up happening?
Thanks!
Abe, I am so grateful to have found your website. Really, your essays and the respondent comments might very well save the 5-month long relationship I have been in with a widower. We do not live together, but our houses are only 3 minutes apart, and we see each other almost every day. I love and appreciate this man very much. He is wonderful in nearly every way. He treats me like a queen; has committed to an exclusive relationship; has “been there for me” in several ways, especially when I lost a beloved horse to cancer (an experience that brought back painful memories since his late wife succumbed to the same disease); and when I asked him to, he was willing to take down her big photo in the bedroom.
On the other hand, her very large portrait photo still dominates the family room where we spend most of our time. (There are also a few smaller pictures, including a couple from their wedding which I don’t like particularly, but I can live with them.) I have told him that the large photo bothers me, but he has said that it would make him feel disrespectful to his late wife to take it down. (I think she has been dead just 2 years, so maybe it is too soon.)
My sense is that he is trying hard to move on, but despite having made progress, he is just not there. I know that I cannot rush his grief process, and that he needs more time. I just don’t know how long I can stand seeing that giant portrait. But I am not ready to end the relationship over this issue.
Living with that portrait would be easier to tolerate if he had a better understanding of the normalcy of my competitive feelings of being “second best”, the “mistress” etc., or of being compared unfavorably to his late wife. It bothers me that he doesn’t seem to understand. I would think that he would realize these feelings are completely normal.
Perhaps I am oversensitive sometimes. I do infer certain comments to mean that I don’t measure up or “fill the bill” somehow. He denies that he was making a specific comparison, and although I know his intention was not to hurt me, it has led to hurt feelings on my part and defensiveness on his. He thinks I want him to stop loving his late wife, expect him to get rid of his memories of their life together, and am trying to make him “choose.”
Why can’t he just understand that it is a normal feeling for any woman in love to not want to be reminded of another woman’s place in her man’s past life and current psyche? Is this an unreasonable expectation? Actually, I’ve given up trying to have him understand this, and I realize that I am the one who has to make the adjustments–at least for now– if this relationship is going to succeed.
For now, I have concluded that I need to try to be more understanding, and have hope that at some point, he will be able to move on entirely–and take that picture down.
Your essays and the comments from other women in a similar situation will, I hope, help me to find the patience and compassion to give him a little more time. I am interested in whether you agree that I am on the right track.
Thank you.
Maggie, im right there with and wondering where to draw the line. My boyfriend lost his wife of 15 years only six months ago, weve been dating 3 and a half of those months. He has introduced,me to all his family and friends, has pictures up of me, tells me all the sweet things he should, and has even told,me, he never thought hed even date again but with me he can see marrying me. The problem im having is like you there are still tons of photos of her everywhere. He does have three small.children so I try to be understanding. we have talked about it and he even told me he would always have pics of her up but it becomes increasingly difficult to see her everywhere, her pics are.still in his bedroom.although he finally moved her last outfit off the bed. looking for.advisement