Comments for Running Forward:

Comment on Widower Wednesday: A Different Emotional Place by Anonymous

Anonymous — Thu, 17 May 2012 21:19:35 +0000

Sorry, *Golfing, lol

Comment on Widower Wednesday: A Different Emotional Place by Anonymous

Anonymous — Thu, 17 May 2012 21:18:38 +0000

I’ve come across some very mean people since I’ve been dating my W…who has two young boys who are 10 and 6 years old. His late wife committed suicide a little over two years ago. We’ve been dating a year and 5 months. So I totally get that maybe my W moved on faster then most but we are extremely happy with eachother and I am head over heels for his boys. We all live together and I am actually 4.5 months pregnant. W’s late wifes family and some friends had a really hard time with us being together, and I get it. However, I know that I’m a good person and totally did not deserve some of the treatment I was receiving from them. Just the other day, Mother’s Day I took the boys miniature golging (my W had to work, so it was just me and the boys) and we happened to run into a friend of LW’s. Which I had no idea at the time. She was extremely rude to me and telling W’s 10 year old that he should be spending Mother’s Day with Nana (who is LW’s Mom)…asking him why he wasn’t with her, etc. Needless to say, I was PO’d. I could tell a million stories of how these ppl have treated me and my W over the past year…but I won’t bore you. The 10yr old invited me to his “Special Woman’s Tea” this past Tuesday and the things he said about me and drew for me touched my heart in ways that only a child can do. And it all made me realize that I am truly so lucky to have the two boys and their Dad in my life…and I finally decided that I wasn’t going to let these people that will never understand our situation bother me anymore. I love the boys as if they were my own and I know they love me just as much. And I believe that I’ve helped them in ways that only a mother figure could. And I’m going to continue to do so…no matter what any one else has to say. My family, W’s family and our friends are all extremely happy for the family we each now have. And come October…there will be one more to add to the bunch. LW’s parents have come a long way…and are nice to me now, knowing that I’m not here to hurt anyone or take anyone’s place. But deep inside me, I think they are nice to my face bc they are afraid of losing their grandchildren, which would never happen…of course. I just find it very unfair to treat ppl so coldly, esecially when they aren’t actually doing anything wrong. Good luck to all of you!

Comment on Widower Wednesday: A Different Emotional Place by Abel Keogh

Abel Keogh — Thu, 17 May 2012 19:56:18 +0000

That’s a different problem, C. If he’s not even telling people about the relationship, that might be a red flag that he’s not ready to move on. I’d be concerned about this.

Comment on Widower Wednesday: A Different Emotional Place by Abel Keogh

Abel Keogh — Thu, 17 May 2012 19:55:03 +0000

Three years is plenty of time for her to adjust. She’s not grieving at this point–she’s just being mean.

Comment on Widower Wednesday: A Different Emotional Place by C

Thu, 17 May 2012 19:06:02 +0000

You have made some valid points Abel- but the difficulty that I have is that W seems to be lead by everyone else and is playing down or even not acknowledging our relationship with friends and HIS family, ( LWs family don’t really keep in touch and lW and W did not have any children together), he does this saying he does n’t want to offend or upset them

Comment on Widower Wednesday: A Different Emotional Place by Lynn

Lynn — Thu, 17 May 2012 11:36:15 +0000

Very sound advice. Sadly, after 3 years, adult SD’s slanderous blogging and acting out is getting harder to ignore. Also harder not to take personally since I’m no longer “new.” As I’m sure you know, having a supportive partner makes all the difference.

Last two columns have been spot-on, thanks!

Comment on Widower Wednesday: Where to Bury the Second Wife? by Ken

Ken — Wed, 16 May 2012 15:16:58 +0000

I have been a widower since August of 2010. My LW died after a long battle with cancer so we talked a lot about things. Before she died, the only acceptable answer to me was to be next to each other with a large headstone with both of our names and the date of our marriage. I delayed getting the stone for a few months because I wanted to make it special. I went through 3 or 4 different designs with my 13 yr old daughter and finally thought about one with our photographs laser etched into it. Then I started putting my foot into the dating pool and had second thoughts about the laser etching – so I nixed that idea. I was all ready to sign the purchase papers when the salesman at the cemetery quit and the remaining people didn’t know the details of the order. I tried to make another meeting with the new salesman but at the same time I started falling in love with a women who I have been dating. Then I didn’t know what to do and felt like a deer in the headlights — especially when my inlaws have made it clear that too much time has passed and there needs to be a stone NOW! I’m very conflicted on what to do. I have 4 plots next to each other and I don’t know if I should just have her name on one monument or both of our names on one. What if I marry this new woman?? Anyone have suggestions on what I can do now? It’s like I’ve come full circle from making a huge statement of my LW and my love for each other, to giving her her own stone in less than 2 years.

Comment on Widower Wednesday: Widowers Wearing Wedding Rings by David

David — Mon, 14 May 2012 18:47:40 +0000

My wife and I gave up our gold bands for turquoise rings many years ago to mark a significant point in my life. Ten years ago, the stone fell out of the ring, and it would have been impossible for me to find it. With my wife’s agreement, I bought a ring with a Hopi design. So it doesn’t look like a wedding ring but did serve that purpose. My wife died three years ago, and I have continued to use the ring because I like it–but didn’t change ring fingers. Now that I’ve met a woman I like, it’s going off. I’ll look for another ring–on the other hand.

Comment on Widower Wednesday: Bad Talking the Late Wife by Jane

Jane — Mon, 14 May 2012 18:03:27 +0000

Great discussion. It’s easy to blame everything wrong on the people who aren’t here to defend themselves. You know the saying: there are two sides to every story, and the truth can usually be found in the middle. Speaking from experience here: when my parents divorced, my dad married a woman who hated my mother with a passion. Everything bad in life was her fault. It was so awful, hearing bad things about my mother, feeling such negativity towards me because of that hatred. I felt loyal to my mother. When you’re disrespecting someone’s parent, you are making the child/teen/young adult feel like THEY are less of a person. That is their parent! And when that parent dies, the issues are so much deeper. I feel for any stepparent who feels frustrated, I do. But all you can do is support the kids, make sure they know they are loved, try to implement your rules, even if it causes hostility. I’m a widowed mom, daughter is 17, and am engaged to a widower. If he ever ONE time disrespected her father in any way, he’d be out the door so quick he wouldn’t know what hit him. But that’s not in his nature, thank goodness, he’s got a loving, kind heart, and is very conscious of what she’s gone through. I find Barbara’s line, “Only if they acknowledge that she was wrong and I am right are they going to change or be able to have a relationship with me and their father.” very, very sad. That’s drawing a very unfair line in the sand. But I guess if someone’s ego is that large, and they feel the need to be “right” more important than peace and kindness, then there probably will always be strife in that family. I feel so sorry for the daughters.

Comment on Widower Wednesday: Bad Talking the Late Wife by annie

annie — Sun, 13 May 2012 16:48:31 +0000

Whenever you have a situation where there was a long term illness and children were called upon to “man up” or were overlooked as a result, there is going to be fall-out. But as long as this remains a battle of “I am right and your mother was wrong”, I doubt progress will be made.

The thing is that LW is a dead wife not an ex-wife and that little detail means that pointing out her flaws is always likely to be a lose/lose scenario. So far, this tactic hasn’t worked for you and your husband and really, what are the odds that this will change? Can you keep doing the same thing over and over and really get different results?

The daughters are clearly still “dealing” and not very well. Maybe it’s just time to leave that all to them (as they are grown) and not rehash things that can’t be changed anyway? You don’t have to engage with them on the subject of their mother. Listen and change the subject. Or don’t listen at all. She’s their mother and they can remember her anyway they like but you don’t have to participate in their fantasy.