Why Recreating a Deceased Spouse with AI Is a Horrible Idea (and What to Do Instead)

Apparently, Suzanne Somers’ widower, Alan Hamel, is trying to recreate the deceased actress with an AI robot. Somers, who is best known for her role in the sitcom Three’s Company, died in 2023. Hamel says the “AI twin” looks and sounds just like her — and that when he talks to it, he can’t tell the difference.

I understand why it’s appealing to recreate your deceased spouse. When you’ve lost someone you love, you’d do anything to feel close to them again, but just because we can use technology to bring back a version of them doesn’t mean we should.

This video discusses why this is a horrible idea—and what you can do to honor your spouse’s memory in a healthy way.

Why Re-Creating a Deceased Spouse with AI Is a Bad Idea (and What to Do Instead)

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book, Dating a Widower, and today we’re going to discuss why recreating a deceased spouse with an AI robot is a horrible idea---and what you should do instead.

Apparently, Suzanne Somers’ widower, Alan Hamel, is trying to recreate the deceased actress with an AI robot. Somers, who is best known for her role in the sitcom Three’s Company, died in 2023. Hamel says the “AI twin” looks and sounds just like her — and that when he talks to it, he can’t tell the difference.

Now, I get why it’s appealing to recreate your deceased spouse. When you’ve lost someone you love, you’d do anything to feel close to them again, but just because we can use technology to bring back a version of them doesn’t mean we should.

So, let’s talk about why this is a horrible idea—and what you can do to honor your spouse’s memory in a healthy way.

The first reason re-creating your deceased spouse with AI is a bad idea is that it prevents grieving.

No one likes to grieve, but grief has a purpose. It helps us face loss, come to terms with reality, and eventually find peace. When you spend time interacting with an AI version of your late spouse, you never fully accept that they’re gone. You’re filling the silence with an illusion. It might make the pain feel easier for a while, but it keeps from progressing. You can’t heal or move forward when part of you is still interacting with a program of your late spouse.

Let me give you a personal example. Working through the grief of my late wife and daughter was difficult, but it taught me things I never could have learned otherwise. It taught me that I could make it through difficult circumstances, it taught me not to take Julianna and my seven kids for granted, and it taught me the value of being present and making the most of the time we have with those we love.

It also gave me increased sympathy and compassion for those who have lost a loved one or are going through loss. Where in the past I might have avoided people who are grieving, I now know how to help or, at least, give them a listening ear. Had some AI version of my late wife, Krista, been around, it would have stunted or made such lessons learned impossible. I’m a better and stronger person because of my loss. An AI clone would have made it easy to coast and stunted my mental and emotional work needed to move forward.

The second reason re-creating your deceased spouse with AI is a bad idea is that it distorts memory and reality.

According to the article, “The [Suzanne Somers] AI robot has not only been designed to look like the Three’s Company star, but was also trained by reading all 27 of her books, in addition to being fed hundreds of interviews that Somers did over the course of her career. Hamel said that he thought the robot was ‘perfect’ when he interacted with it at the conference.”

Now, I’m sure this AI replica of Somers sounds like her and even contains many of her thoughts and ideas. But at the end of the day, it’s just a program—a bunch of ones and zeros—doing exactly what it was trained to do. It can repeat her words and mimic her tone, but it doesn’t feel anything. It doesn’t love, it doesn’t grow, and it doesn’t care about Hamel or anyone else. It may seem like it cares, but it’s doing what it’s programmed to do.

Human beings change over time. We learn, we adapt, and we change as life shapes us. An AI version of your spouse can’t do that. It’s frozen in time—a digital snapshot of who they were, not who they would have become. And that’s where it starts to mess with your memories. The more time you spend interacting with it, the easier it becomes to blur the lines between what your spouse actually said and what the AI is generating. Before long, you start remembering the AI’s responses instead of real conversations. It can rewrite your past in subtle ways—and that changes how you remember your spouse, and not in a good way.

And that leads to the third and most important point:

Having an AI version of your late spouse. Erodes Real Relationships and Creates Unhealthy Attachments

Because an AI will be whatever you want it to be, it’s easy to depend on it emotionally. It feels like a real relationship—you can have conversations, get comforting responses, and never be challenged or surprised. But that’s the problem. When you’re in control of every interaction and can change it to answer and respond the way you want, that soothing predictability can become addictive.

AI companions, especially those designed to meet emotional needs, can distort your perceptions of connection and intimacy. They make it easy to settle for a digital imitation of love instead of doing the harder, more meaningful work of real relationships. And when that happens, your heart starts to close off. Instead of healing, you isolate yourself from the real world. The longer you stay attached to a digital version of your late spouse, the harder it becomes to open your heart again—to new friendships, new experiences, and maybe even new love.

Technology can either enlarge or restrict our capacity to live, love, and serve meaningfully. In this case, it restricts it. It blurs your true identity and replaces genuine human connection with something artificial. And, if you ever decide to date again or remarry, an AI version of your late spouse will only make that harder. If you think competing with an idolized, dead person is hard, try competing with an AI robot. It’s not fair to your new partner—and it’s not fair to you either. You can’t move forward when part of your heart is still tied to a digital illusion of the past. You can honor your spouse’s memory without living in emotional limbo.

So, how can you honor your late spouse’s memory without living in emotional limbo?

By living a life they’d be proud of. Instead of letting grief and loss hold you back, AI might be able to mimic a face or a voice, but it can’t recreate love, soul, or shared experiences. It stops you from growing and living. It stops you from creating a Chapter 2 that your late spouse would be proud of. The goal after loss isn’t to rebuild the past — it’s to remember it, learn from it, and move forward.

Honor your spouse by living a life they’d be proud of — not by trying to reprogram the one you lost.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.

New, Second Edition: Life with a Widower

Cover Life with a Widower, Second Edition by Abel Keogh
Get Your Copy

You’re in a Serious Relationship with a Widower. Now what?

Loving a widower isn’t like dating someone who’s divorced or simply single. You’re stepping into a story that began before you and which hasn’t fully ended. His late wife lingers in his heart, his home, and sometimes in the eyes of his kids, family, and friends. So how do you know if he’s ready to love again? If he is, how do you build a future together without getting lost in the past?

This honest, practical guide gives you the clarity and confidence to deal with the special challenges associated with dating a widower. Inside, you’ll discover:

  • How to tell if he’s emotionally available or mired in sorrow.

  • When to be patient and when to walk away.

  • How to handle his kids, in-laws, and friends who might not be ready for you.

  • What to do with the late wife’s belongings.

  • How to create your own space, your own relationship, and your own future.

  • How to protect your heart without shutting down.

Written by remarried widower and relationship coach Abel Keogh, this book delivers no-nonsense advice and hard-won insight from someone who’s been there and helped thousands of women get the answers they need. It also includes over 20 stories from women who have traveled this journey.

If you’re tired of second-guessing where you stand and ready to find out whether your relationship with a widower has a future, this book will show you the way forward.

Get Your Copy

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: You Can’t Save, Heal, or Fix a Widower

Chapter 2: Love, Loss, and Long-Term Goals: Aligning Your Relationship Vision

Chapter 3: The Best Way to Honor the Late Wife

Chapter 4: Navigating Relationships with the Widower’s Children

Chapter 5: Navigating Relationships with the Late Wife’s Family, Their Friends, and Others

Chapter 6: Navigating Holidays and Family Traditions

Chapter 7: What to do With the Late Wife’s Things

Chapter 8: Should You Move in with a Widower?

Chapter 9: How to Break Up with a Widower

Chapter 10: What to Do When a Widower Ends the Relationship

Chapter 11: Widowers and Second Chances?

Chapter 12: The Power of Forgiveness

Chapter 13: The Courage to Commit

Get Your Copy

The Third Reason Relationships with Widows and Widowers Thrive

Are you tired of feeling like you’re living in someone else’s story? In this video, I’ll show you how to build a new traditions and fresh memories with a widower—without getting stuck in the shadow of his late wife. You’ll learn:

  • Why repeating old traditions can keep your relationship stuck in the past

  • How to start new rituals that make your marriage feel alive and uniquely yours

  • Simple ways to blend old memories with new beginnings—especially if kids are involved

Your relationship deserves its own story. It’s time to stop replaying the past and start creating the future—together.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book, Dating a Widower, and today we’re going to discuss the third of three reasons marriages to widows and widowers thrive. And what is that reason? It’s that they make new memories and start new traditions together.

Let me break it down for you. People are creatures of habit and widows and widowers are not different. They’ve often spent decades living a certain way with someone else. It’s not just the big things like holidays or birthdays, but the restaurants they frequented, the vacations they took, the TV shows they enjoyed, and the way Saturday mornings started. Over time, these routines become second nature. They’re comforting and familiar. However, you must create new memories and traditions together for your relationship to thrive.

In my coaching sessions, many clients tell me they felt they were living in the widow's or widower’s marriage to their late spouse. For example, they go to the same beach house he and the late wife visited every summer, decorate the Christmas tree with her ornaments, and eat the same breakfast he used to make for her. At first, it felt like they were being included in something special, but slowly, it started to feel like they were a guest in someone else’s story.

To be fair, most widows and widowers aren’t doing this to be hurtful. They don’t always realize that by keeping old routines, they’re unintentionally leaving their new partner on the outside looking in. Some even think they’re honoring the new relationship by sharing what was special in the past. However well-meaning they are, your relationship doesn’t need to be an extension of the past. It deserves to be a life with new memories and traditions reflecting the two of you.

Now, making new memories and starting new traditions go both ways. If you want a relationship that feels fully alive and grounded in the present, you must also be willing to step outside your patterns. That might mean letting go of how you’ve always done things, especially if you’ve been single or divorced for a long time and developed your own rituals. Maybe you’ve always traveled to your sister’s for Thanksgiving or decorated a certain way for the holidays. A strong relationship means being willing to blend, adapt, and start fresh together, not just expecting the widower to do the heavy lifting.

On a personal level, when Julianna and I were first dating, I made this mistake. I took her to restaurants that Krista and I loved and trails that we had hiked together. I didn’t do this to relive the past, but because I knew the food and scenery were good. However, it didn’t take long to realize something felt off. Even if the place was “neutral,” some emotional weight still lingered. So, I made a conscious decision to start fresh. I began planning new trips, finding different restaurants, and creating our go-to spots. Julianna brought ideas too—places and experiences I wouldn’t have picked on my own but grew to love. We built our new life as a team. That’s why, twenty-two years later, the goofy traditions, the new places, and the shared rituals we created together are the glue that holds us close. It’s what makes our relationship feel real, not recycled. Your relationship should feel similar.

If the widow or widower you’re with resists change or if you find yourself clinging to past routines, rituals, or identities, take that as a sign that it's time to shake things up. Suggest new places to visit and new traditions to start. Start small if needed. If either of you constantly defaults to what’s always been done out of habit, guilt, or fear of disappointing others, that’s a rut, not a life.

If you or your widowed partner has young children at home, be thoughtful about how you transition. You don’t have to erase everything. Children need continuity, especially after loss. However, you can still introduce new ideas and blend the old with the new. One woman I coached came up with a great approach: at Christmas, she kept a few of the family’s traditional ornaments for the kids but added new ones that reflected her story and personality. It made the home feel like everyone belonged. That’s the kind of intentionality that builds a life.

That solution may not work for you or the widow/widower you’re with, but if you put the effort into building a life that feels like yours, it will lead to a long and wonderful relationship where the past is honored but not repeated, one where both of you feel at home.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book, Dating a Widower and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.

New Dating Guide Covers and Editions

Big updates are here! My best-selling dating guides are getting a complete refresh. Dating a Widower has a bold new cover, and both Life with a Widower and Marrying a Widower are being fully rewritten—with fresh covers and brand-new audiobooks to go with them. You’ll find the updated Dating a Widower cover below. If you haven’t read it yet, now’s the time—it’s the go-to guide to help you know if the widower in your life is truly ready to open his heart to you. Updates to the other two books are coming very soon!

Learn more
Get Your Copy

Widow's Fire: The Hidden Trap After Loss

Widow’s fire is the sudden, overwhelming desire for sex and intimacy that often hits widows and widowers in the weeks and months after losing a spouse. It feels normal—and it is—but giving in to it through casual hookups creates more problems than it solves. In this video, I explain why widow’s fire can sabotage healing, damage future relationships, and leave behind a trail of broken hearts. I’ll also share healthier ways to handle that desire so you can move forward, heal fully, and be ready for lasting love again when the time is right.

Let’s Talk about Widow’s Fire

Hi, I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and today, we’re going to talk about something that a lot of people don’t understand—widow’s fire—and why it keeps widows and widowers from forming healthy, long-term relationships.

For those who may not have heard the term before, “widow’s fire” refers to a sudden, overwhelming desire for sex, intimacy, or connection that often shows up just weeks or months after losing a spouse. It feels confusing, even shocking, because it collides with grief. One moment you’re crushed by loss, and the next you’re consumed by the urge to be touched, held, or desired again.

That’s normal. It’s part of being human. But here’s the problem: using sex or casual hookups to fill that spouse-shaped hole in your heart doesn’t bring healing—it delays it. And more often than not, it creates a whole new set of problems.

I was reminded of this by a post I saw on X. A young widow wrote:

“My widower guy friends who deeply loved their wives are coping by sleeping with everyone. I’m kind of impressed because it seems to be working for them.”

When I asked her what she meant by “working,” she said:

“Well, they do seem happier now, but I assume it’s also a way for them to ignore what’s going on.”

Her observations are actually spot on. It does look like it’s working—for a while. Widow’s fire can create the illusion of happiness. But what she couldn’t see—and what I’ve seen over and over again in my work with widows and widowers—is that widow’s fire doesn’t heal anyone. In fact, it does the opposite. It complicates grief, makes future relationships harder, and leaves unnecessary damage in its wake.

Here’s why:

  • It offers temporary relief, not healing.
    Hooking up may take the edge off your grief for a night, but it doesn’t deal with the pain underneath. It’s like putting a bandage on a broken bone. You wake up the next morning with the same emptiness—sometimes even worse—because deep down, you know sex alone can’t bring your spouse back or repair your heart.

  • It sabotages future relationships.
    Widow’s fire runs on impulse and short-term thinking. By chasing that immediate high, you never give yourself the space to grieve, reflect, and do the work of moving forward. When the fire burns out, you’re left trying to start a real relationship with the baggage of unprocessed grief—and often, with habits or patterns that make bonding with someone new a lot harder.

  • It confuses grief with attraction.
    When you’re hurting, it’s easy to mistake the relief of intimacy for genuine love. You might convince yourself you’re falling for someone new, when really, you’re just desperate to fill the emptiness. Those false starts often lead to rushed commitments, messy breakups, and even more emotional wreckage down the road.

  • It stunts emotional growth.
    Grief, as brutal as it is, can lead to strength and personal growth if you work through it. But when you mask that pain with hookups, you sidestep the lessons grief is meant to teach you. Instead of learning resilience and building a new life, you stay stuck in survival mode—unprepared for the healthy, lasting relationship you may want later.

  • It leaves others hurt and confused.
    Every time a widow or widower uses someone to satisfy that fire, there’s usually another person who walks away heartbroken. They thought they were building something real—while the grieving spouse was just looking for a way to numb the pain. That trail of broken hearts doesn’t just hurt others; it creates guilt and regret that adds to the burden of grief.

Some of you are probably thinking, Abel, what’s the alternative? How can you handle that very real desire for intimacy without derailing your healing? Here are four healthy ways to deal with it:

  • Channel the energy into physical activity. Exercise—running, cycling, lifting weights, or even walking—gives your body an outlet, boosts endorphins, and takes the edge off in a way that builds you up instead of tearing you down.

  • Spend time with trusted friends, family, or even a support group. Share your story. Let people see you. That connection meets your need for closeness without pulling you into something destructive.

  • Focus on personal growth. Learn a skill, take a class, or dive into a hobby you’ve always wanted to try. Widow’s fire is your heart and body screaming for something new—redirect that energy into building yourself up instead of burning yourself out.

  • Seek professional help if needed. The right grief counselor, therapist, or coach can help you sort out the emotions and desires you’re feeling. Sometimes just talking it through things and getting professional guidance makes the fire less overwhelming.

Now, let me be clear: wanting intimacy after loss is normal. It doesn’t mean you loved your spouse any less, and it doesn’t make you a bad person. It just means you’re human. What matters is how you respond to that desire. Giving in to widow’s fire is no better than trying to drown your grief in alcohol, drugs, or any other temporary fix. It soothes for a moment, but it prevents the deeper healing your heart really needs. And until you do that hard work of grief, you’ll never be fully present for yourself—or for anyone else who wants to love you.

The truth is, there are not shortcuts when it comes to working through grief. There’s no fast lane, no escape hatch, no magic formula. Healing only comes when you face your pain head-on, feel it, and let it reshape you. That’s not easy, but it’s worth it—because on the other side of grief is strength, clarity, and the ability to build a future you can be proud of. And when you’ve done that work, intimacy will no longer be a distraction or a crutch. It will be real. It will be lasting. It will be a bond built on honesty, trust, and commitment—not just the need to feel something in the moment.

So here’s the bottom line: Giving in to widow’s fire keeps you stuck in survival mode. If you want to heal, move forward with life, and, at some point, a healthy, lasting relationship, resist the urge to throw a quick fix on your pain. Give yourself the gift of time. Do the work of healing. And when the time is right, you’ll be able to love—and be loved—in a way that honors both your past and your future. That’s when you’ll discover that love after loss isn’t just possible—it can be deeper, stronger, and more meaningful than you ever imagined.

Why Widows and Widowers Will Never Be Their “Old Self” Again

When someone loses a spouse, they’re forever changed. Widows and widowers don’t go back to being their “old self” — and that’s not always a bad thing. In this video, Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower, explains how grief can either harden or refine widows and widowers and what that means for future relationships.

Hi, I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and recently, a viewer left the following comment on my YouTube channel:

"Abel, I’m dating a widower who lost his wife 1.5 years ago. There are no major red flags, and though we do have some issues, we are working through them. The problem is that my widower boyfriend is concerned that he’s not his old self anymore. He says he used to be more joking and lighthearted, and now he’s more of a serious person. Do you have any ideas on how to get more of his old self back?"

Great question. Here’s my answer: loss changes you. When you lose a spouse, the way you see the world and interact with others is forever altered. Your widower isn’t going to be exactly his “old self,” and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. What matters is how he’s changed since his loss.

Some widows and widowers struggle after loss. If they’re not careful, grief can pull them in the opposite direction. Instead of softening their hearts, it can harden them. They can become bitter, cynical, or so focused on their own pain that they stop showing up for others. Some withdraw entirely, shutting people out. Others lean too heavily on their kids, friends, or a new partner to carry the weight of their grief.

Grief can also make people careless. They might neglect their health, finances, or responsibilities. Some numb themselves with alcohol, overspending, or rebound relationships. Anger, irritability, and impatience can replace kindness and compassion. And perhaps the most damaging of all, they can get stuck in the past—clinging so tightly to their late spouse and old routines that they miss out on building a new, meaningful life.

But grief can also refine and reshape a person. For those willing to work through the pain, it can teach patience, resilience, and compassion. Loss often sharpens priorities: wasted time and meaningless drama don’t matter as much, relationships are valued more, and loved ones are appreciated in ways they weren’t before. Life feels fragile, so every day is lived with greater focus and intention.

For many, grief strips away pretense. There’s no energy left to fake or play games. Instead, it fosters honesty and authenticity. You learn to show up as yourself, unapologetically, and to invest your time in things that truly matter.

I can give a personal example. In the days after Krista’s first death anniversary, I did some soul searching to make sure I was ready to marry Julianna. Mentally, I felt profoundly changed—like I had aged and grown 20 years wiser. As a result, I was:

  • More compassionate

  • More grounded and focused

  • More resilient

  • More patient

  • More grateful

  • More spiritual

  • More serious

  • Less judgmental

  • More intentional

  • More present

I’m not perfect—far from it—but my loss forced me to learn some hard lessons. Those changes helped shape me into someone ready for a lasting, loving marriage. Had I gone the opposite direction, allowing bitterness or self-centeredness to take hold, there’s no way Julianna and I would have enjoyed 22 years together and raised seven kids.

At the end of the day, loss changes all of us. Some people let grief harden them; others let it refine them. Your widower isn’t going to return to his old self, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be a better man than he was before. The real question isn’t whether he’ll crack the same jokes or carry the same lightness he once did—it’s whether the man standing in front of you today has grown into someone stronger, wiser, and more intentional. That’s the version of him you need to evaluate, because that’s who you’ll be building a life with.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book, Dating a Widower, and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.